Right so I've posted some stuff in the past and just talking about it seemed to have helped so I guess I'll try with this too?
Anyhow, so I guess I'm scared of starting a relationship? I don't know something about it just terrifies me? I've never really had a bad experience so that's not the case but just whenever I get close to someone I full out panic? The moment things become too serious I just back out.
Take for example my most recent escape...
So there's this guy I've gotten very close to a year or so ago and we were getting closer by the minute but suddenly every date seemed almost like a chore? Like I'm forcing myself to meet him? So being the complete and utter coward I am I broke things off.....over text. Yes I know it was awful of me and immature but i just panicked! I didn't mean to hurt him but i couldn't stomach the idea of so much as seeing him! And it's not like he ever hurt me in any way shape or form! He was the perfect gentleman, very sweet and caring but I just couldn't let it go on? And then after a year of not talking which I fully don't blame him for after how I broke things off. We started talking again and got close again....and guess what? I panicked again...and again told him that i just couldn't meet up with him. I even told him that it just terrified me, he asked me what was it that had me so terrified and I just couldn't give him an answer. I just don't know what's wrong with me.
And well yeah another thing is that I'm pretty scared of getting intimate...yes I mean sex. I guess everyone has some reservations before their first time right? At least in that I think I know what has me scared at least partially. I think what it is is the fact how much you trust that other person when you're pretty damn vulnerable. And that trust is just not something I had ever had in the past with anyone so I never let anyone even close to getting that intimate. It's also pretty embarrassing i guess? I never really though of myself as a selfcouncious person, I'm maybe not the prettiest and have a few stretch marks here and there but Im not exactly ugly either and never really was all that bothered about that. But the idea of being that close to someone and the act itself is just terrifying.
Anyone else had dealt with anything like that? Any advice?