You had experienced two emotions, one positive and one negative; here you may have experienced and observed for the first time the conflict between them both in one instant. Yet felt a sense of sorrow that immediately came afterwards, because of the experience of a lifting feeling that may have left you feeling ‘whole’, feeling free for a moment, to feel a sense of happiness all in one small moment.
Yet a part of you may have made you feel that you didn’t deserve to feel this goodness about yourself, in turn the negative feelings increased back, these kinds of shifts may often result from experiences of being verbally and emotionally abused, to be told you’re not worthy of love or to be loved is usually one of the themes to these kinds of abuse.
Of course I don’t presume you had experienced abuse but wanted to comment that when someone has a good thought about themselves, guilt and sadness tends to creep up soon behind the good feeling and tries to close it away, as such an emotionally and verbal abuse would do to a person’s own self worth. In time the abuse is so frequent and routine it becomes a conditional one in everyday living, sadly finding and believing good in oneself is in itself hard to accept and believe.
Helping yourself to think differently, fixing yourself and taking the journey to a more struggle free life is certainly a hard one, yet you have experienced that both positive and negative thoughts are with you, a positive thought about yourself may not have been felt for some time, hence the effect of a lifted feeling.
You have positive thoughts; the lifted feeling comes from them. The more you can experience these feelings and to consider ‘trusting them’, the more you can think about following them, as you do the negative ones may become quieter over time; the more the positives are followed the more the negatives fade.
This does take an amount of courage to take that first step, to start the change to think differently about yourself, to start rejecting any thought which attempts to take you away from the positive feelings and tries to tell you that “they are lies, that they won’t work, that it’s pointless trying because you will fail”. What tries to take away your happiness is a false sense of self, a part of you that could have been created out of negative experiences. In other words a learned helplessness, a learned understanding about what others have told you to believe. If you have a thought that makes you feel lifted, good about yourself, then this is that part of yourself that believes you want to follow it, the more you do, the more the positives will rise to your acceptance of them.
Your comment “I am trying to keep a journal to pinpoint triggers but I'm not coming up with any specific triggers, it seems anything can set off feelings, moods, thoughts. Which makes sense that I can't find triggers as I'm obviously resistant to acknowledging them”. You have a good understanding here, but keeping a journal in my opinion is an excellent way of trying to record triggers, if some triggers are in the unconscious, this should not deter you from the journal. A journal can help greatly to look at triggers, causes and most of all a way to regain control of life.
Keeping a journal is a statement to the bad thoughts telling them that you are now in control and that you will succeed in exposing them for what they are and that you will come to prove that these bad thoughts have no control over you, that these bad thoughts don’t belong to you, they were given to you, you were forced to take these thoughts and ended up owning them as your own. In your mind it is Time to give them back to where they came from. As you turn to the quieter true positive thoughts, as you do sensing them becoming stronger and louder.
There is always hope, (HOPE – Hold On Pain Ends) pardon the pun!. Hope never leaves you; it just becomes disguised under the low clouds, as these clouds begin to dissipate over time, hope rises from below to let you know it is always here.
It is difficult, it can be so hard and at times feeling there is nothing to live for, asking what’s the point, questioning yourself as a person, your worth, importance in life, bad thoughts create so much havoc on the mind that it’s so difficult to find a way through the maze of confusion. The thoughts seem too heavy, so loud and demanding, so convincing that positive thoughts seem nonexistent. Within a mind and world of turmoil its understanding to feel this way.
Yet I believe that good thoughts also live inside, they are there to rediscover, everything good and whole about you, everything kind and caring is there, even the strength and courage to overcome difficulties in life lie deep within.
Taking the road to rediscovering these natural characteristics about you means to keep faith and hope that these are your true qualities, to learn to trust in the positive and uplifting feelings, in this trust you may find the positives will sense your acceptance and will start to release more positives to you to feel, why does the positives do this? Because you has decided to believe in them. The positives within you will be so pleased because you are ‘accepting’ them they will continue to flow more and more as you accept and believe them..
No one can truly know anyone else’s pain. That in order for my words to make a difference is that you need to feel the relief 'now'. To feel free 'now'. Words may not always offer this freedom now, but the feeling you get when reading words may inspire somewhere inside you to make those decisions, in turn the relief you may have hoped to experience will start to come to you.
Against all negative and bad thoughts, just by trusting in yourself, believing that you can do this, and knowing that there is a wonderful, caring and compassionate person inside you that wants to love you on the outside and throughout.
Being treated badly for many years may not be an overnight fix, something conditioned within you, and the things you were made to believe will need baby steps to unravel and to unlearn what you had learned. I know you had mentioned there was no support, well I hope SANE forum so far has helped in some way and most of all knowing that support and care is always a place here for you from members.
Start believing, start hoping, start to learn to love yourself, know that you deserve everything good in life and more, to love and nurture yourself, to know you are strong, so courageous and brave, that these traits will start to make themselves aware to you. Trust that time will unfold these too you, if you decide to take the first step in accepting, believing and following any little good thing about you and what you can come to believe.
Any negative thoughts that want to fight you that tell you different, throw them all out on here, rant them out, let your fingers flow them into the forum, they don’t deserve your mind as their home, evict them, you don’t own them and they don’t belong to you.
My motto in life for me was "If you want to do something so much, but too afraid to? then do it afraid"
There is a lot here to take in, take what you feel could be of use; I hope you may find some inspiration.
"Some ideas to consider, Seek out all things that make you feel lifted, that makes you feel good about yourself, to be with supportive, understanding and caring people, just a chat with the right person over a phone call may help change a mood, when shopping visit shops that gives you a sense of calmness, feeling relaxed, lifted inside, buy an item of clothing without having to spend a lot out that makes you feel good.
The significance with the item of clothing means that you are "putting something good over yourself that you had identified as something good" something that is good wraps around you. (Of course be careful not to fall into the trap of buying to keep experiencing a positive high, but every now and then helps to contribute to all the other good things),to do things that gives you a feeling of goodness, reading uplifting and positive writing, good self help books, listening to music that creates an internal environment of uplifting feelings, news, watching positive TV,( I would say avoid newspapers and news on TV that tend to survive on bad news, you could be amazed at how this alone makes such a difference). Food can be expensive these days but maybe one or two little changes that wont be expensive in adding raw food i.e. fruit and veg etc could help any rises and lows in moods, moods resulting in triggers of the bad thoughts.
A walk in the outdoors can often give a sense of feeling free from worries, if something nice on your walk catches your eye stop to spend some time with this, absorb how this makes you feel, learning to sense goodness inside helping to recognise this lifted feeling anytime in the future, exercise in itself not only increases serotonin (the feel good chemical) but also increases oxygen levels helping to reduce panic attacks and anxieties, but importantly may help to connect socially with other people in turn could create new friendships etc, steering your way bit by little bit,to a life you want to feel and live"
The point overall is to learn to re-experience and reconnect to the real goodness about the true part of you, each lifted feeling helps to return this sense of self worth back to you, in turn trust and belief in the wonderful deserving person you are begins to return.
Most importantly use the forum for support if and whenever you need too and seek ways to reconnect with people that could lead to building deep connective relationships.
As always Take care