Protecting child from depressed husband's anger

[lucy42]

My husband has been depressed for several years. I finally persuaded him to get help at the start of this year and the GP has referred him for counselling but 6 months later he is still on the waiting list.

In the meantime, one of the effects of his depression is that he is very irritable and can quite easily get aggressive or angry (in terms of shouting or aggressive language, he is never physically threatening). This has been going on for a while and I am worried about the effect on our 5-year-old son (as well as on my own mental health). I have tried talking to hubby about it, as gently as possible, but that only results in an aggressive-defensive response from him.

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this? At times I have been so worried about it that I have considered leaving for the sake of my son, but I don't want to abandon my husband when he needs me most.

[isola701]

This is very close to home, I suffered with depression and anxiety for a number of years and when my wife and I had a child it got much worse. I was exactly as you described your husband was. We spilt up for the sake of our son, it was incredibly sad. As much as she would try and talk to me nothing went in and it was too late one i realised what i was doing to destroy my lovely little world.

I would say you need to think of your child first and your husband needs some space and a wake up call, tuff love is horrible but sometimes its whats needed to snap out of things before its too late

[lucy42]

Thanks for the reply, especially for taking the time to reply to something so close to home which must spark difficult feelings for you. Gosh that's really sad, I worry that we are heading down the same road. I love him and I don't want to split up, he is my soul mate, but I just feel like our current situation is really bad for our son. I know he wouldn't be like this if he wasn't depressed. I wonder if I should hold on to see if things improve once he finally gets the counselling he is waiting for. I worry that us leaving would make his depression much worse.

[isola701]

I saw a few different councellors and they didn't help much, they just tended to repeat back to me what i had opened up to them. I found CBT has very helpful but you have to be in the right headspace to put the work in. I didn't like the antidepressent drugs as they gave me side effects. Its a cliche but exercise and healthy eating is as good as anything. He needs to know you are there for him but as horrible as it sounds, he needs the shock factor to know that if he doesnt improve a little and start trying to realise why he does it (could be for effect i realise mine was) that he will lose you and your son. I can't put into words how much i love my son and life is not perfect and i do have struggles but sometimes you just need to "dig deep" and see the bigger picture. I am more than happy to discuss this as much as is helpful.

[rsxo]

Good to hear that you've realised things and tried to step in, that's the first step. If this keeps happening, suggest solutions - like couple counselling etc. If he gets defensive about his behaviour, and won't listen to any solutions, then it doesn't sound like he's in a place to care about the consequences of his actions. At that point, you need to do what is best for the child and take some time apart - things as they are don't sound good for your kid at all. I know how much you care for your partner, but he really needs to see that his condition isn't just affecting his life, but affecting others - no one can do that except himself to be honest. But you can, so do what's in the best interest for your child - after all, once you've had children, you're parents first and foremost!x