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Rage and smashing things and feeling suicidal: why is my mum like this?

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Joined: Sun Jan 26, 2020 12:19 pm

Rage and smashing things and feeling suicidal: why is my mum like this?

Postby rainbowdust » Sun Jan 26, 2020 12:24 pm


I would like to get some help and advice. Both me and my mum are adults.

All my life; ever since I was young, my mum has severe mental health problems. She has just been told she has anxiety and depression but I believe it is more than that. And I don’t know what to do.

My mum flies into rages, for things that seem completely disproportionate. She becomes violent, to herself or to other objects around her - For example yesterday she threw down things she was holding in a rage, and the glass smashed all over the room and water and other cups went all over the floors. In the past she has thrown and hit things, and hit herself (eg hitting a bowl on her head), screaming she wants to kill herself. She tells me she also flies into rages or screams when she is outside the home - when she gets angry with other people in a supermarket, or receptionists etc.

She tells me it’s my fault that she is like this - because I’m the only one at home who makes her fly into rages. She says she would be fine if she was on her own at home. She tells me the reason she smashes things and throws things and hits herself, is because in that moment she wants to kill her self - and there’s a risk of killing herself, and that I should know that because I’m pushing her to it. So she says she has to throw And smash those things because otherwise she would do something “worse”, ie kill herself.

The situations that this happens, it’s completely disproportionate. Eg the last time it happened, my mum needed to do a household task and because she procrastinates a lot, I kept reminding her to do it for 5 days. On the 6th day I got very irritated and anxious and asked her about it in the evening, saying it should have been done by now. To that, she flew into a rage and smashed a glass, water cups and a toothbrush she was holding. She says it happens when she is already tired and stressed and when I put pressure on her.

The difficult thing is that she continues to blame me, and I feel very guilty for it and like I am a very bad daughter, she doesn’t have a diagnosis for it so I don’t know how to get her help. I cannot leave the house either as I am bedbound due to illness so I depend on my mum and my boyfriend (who works full time), for my care. My mums rage is not related to me being ill, she has been like this ever since I was very little.

I know she loves me but she becomes very strange when she goes through these rages. She is currently being seen at a nhs clinic but they’ve just said it’s anxiety and depression, and also referred her to a Autism assessment, because I believe she could have Aspergers (I was diagnosed with Aspergers a few years ago and it can run in families). However I do not believe these rage issues are due to Aspergers at all as I do not get these rage issues.

She also has OCD, hoarding behaviour, gets paranoid about things, and says she doesn’t feel much and feels numb.

I cannot go anywhere to speak to anyone eg family counselling, due to being bedbound. Do other people have experiences on this kind of behaviour - If so what conditions do your loved ones have? I really want to somehow get my mum the correct help. I don’t know if it’s bipolar, BPD or intermittent rage disorder, or something else?

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Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2018 8:13 pm

Re: Rage and smashing things and feeling suicidal: why is my mum like this?

Postby supportivewife » Wed Jan 29, 2020 4:55 pm

Hi Rainbowdust,
I'm really sorry to hear about what your mum and yourself are going through just now. I can appreciate how difficult things must be just now at home. I can relate a lot to what you are experiencing as I am disabled and at times due to pain, can be bed bound and not manage out of the house. My husband is my carer, but he has mental health issues (Mixed Personality Disorder and OCD) he also experiences rages on a daily basis and smashes things in the house, punches holes in doors, shouts, swears and constantly talks about committing suicide and it is very hard to deal with and see someone you love going through that. He also blames me for everything that goes wrong also and that can be extremely hard to listen to.

You say your boyfriend is your carer. Does he witness the rages also or does it tend to only happen when you are alone with your mum? Have you tried speaking to your mum when she is calm to let her know how worried you are about her? Although my husband refuses to speak to his GP or CMHT regarding his own mental health, I do tend to say to him how upset I feel when he flies into a rage and how worried I am about him. Sometimes he takes on board what I say, sometimes not, but I think it is important to say your bit and to let the person know how their behaviour is affecting you and that sometimes it is not acceptable.

Would it be possible to update your mum's GP with the issues she is going through just now? Maybe if she won't discuss this herself, could you arrange to have a phone appointment with her GP or ask your boyfriend to go to speak to them? That is, of course, if they are willing to discuss your mum with you and your boyfriend. If you think there is more to it than depression and anxiety affecting your mum then keep pressing them to try to explore what is wrong further, but they may only act upon this with your mum's co-operation. I have been told that I can do nothing to help my husband as he has to seek help himself which is quite frustrating.

I struggle with my husband's rages so I don't really know what to suggest regarding them. I try to set boundaries when I can that sometimes work and sometimes don't depending on my husband's mood. For example, if he screams/swears at me then I tell him that I won't speak to him unless he can speak to me in a calm way. Maybe setting boundaries may help in your situation also, although I know this can be difficult to do?

Just make sure your own well-being is good as living with someone who is going through this can be exhausting both mentally and physically and you need to take care of yourself so that you can best support your mum. I realise this will be difficult when you can't access support outside, but online forums are good such as this one and there are other mental health organisations who have them also and I find it useful to just speak to others who know what I am going through. Telephone helplines are helpful too. Also there maybe online support groups so it is worthwhile looking into this too as sometimes you can find these on Facebook, other websites, etc. When you are being blamed for everything it is hard not to feel guilty and accept what that person is saying about you to be true, but please try to remember what your mum is going through isn't caused by you and you can't cure it. Your mum is responsible for her own actions/feelings and you can't control it. I try to tell myself that every day when I witness the behaviour my husband displays. I try my best to listen to my husband and validate his feelings as best I can as I find this can calm a situation somewhat.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but I wish you and your mum all the best and hope things improve for you both soon. If you need someone to talk to anytime then I am happy to listen as I do know how you feel. Aileen. x

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