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Struggling

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
torn82
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Oct 29, 2019 6:38 pm

Struggling

Postby torn82 » Tue Oct 29, 2019 6:56 pm

A few months ago my partner started to show mental health issues, from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and anger attacks, they were put on antidepressants and now seeking professional help. I took a month off work to support them, be there, take care of them and ended up moving in with them providing 24hour care. I love her with all my heart, she is my world and it pains me to see her like this
A few weeks back she went to stay with her aunty, when she got back she handed me a letter saying she can’t be in a relationship with me or anyone right now, she has to fix her self on her own and learn to not depend on anyone. I genuinely no she is so broken right now and needs to tackle this illness but I am struggling to understand why she broke off our relationship, we are both hurting and upset and struggling so I am unsure why she would choose this option.
We have been broken up for just under two weeks now and I saw her for the first time the other day, she told me she needs a friend her best friend (me) and maybe we can go for coffee, walks and work on just being friends and hopefully when she feels she’s able to have a relationship get back together but she cant promise anything. As she doesn’t no what she wants right now
I am so torn in what to do because I do want to support her and help and be there when she needs me like I’ve always been. I made it clear to her that friends would be hard because I love her and ultimately want to be back in a relationship with her. I Am struggling with how I am meant to be there but only as a friend, knowing there is a massive chance we will not have our relationship back.
We have been together for a year and been through so many happy times .

tomg
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Oct 30, 2019 3:12 pm

Re: Struggling

Postby tomg » Wed Oct 30, 2019 3:39 pm

First things first...you're not alone. I'm going through something similar (I'll explain) and I used to think I was alone. But actually, there's plenty of guys who have gone through this and made it through the other side.

In terms of my situation, I was seeing a girl who was suffering with anorexia/bulimia for about three months when she told me that she had been accepted into a residential rehab programme that would sort out her disorder once and for all. Whilst this was great for her, she said we couldn't be in a relationship until she comes out (June-Oct 2020 kind of time). She needed to heal from past relationships where other guys had taken advantage of her vulnerabilities and used her for sex. I had absolutely fallen for her, so this was tough on me. We're now "on pause" until she comes out, so we're just friends for now, but there's no guarantee things will start again this time next year.

The thing is, what I've learnt is that as much as you love her, you can't prioritise being in a relationship with her. Her health has got to be the priority. Once you accept this, you feel like a weight is lifted off your shoulders.

You can be part of your partner's process of healing by giving her the space she needs. Unfortunately, you can't fight her battles for her as much as you wish you could (I know I want to fight girl's battles), but you can just be someone for her to fall back on when she needs it. If you love her, you'd do anything to help her get better, including making huge sacrifices.

I know it's not easy, honestly. There's no guarantee things will work. If they don't, you'll have still helped her and you can be comforted by that fact. And if they do, you two will be stronger than ever.

Hopefully I've made sense. We can discuss this on here further. It would be great if you reply so I know you've seen this.

It will all work out, one way or another. I promise.

torn82
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Oct 29, 2019 6:38 pm

Re: Struggling

Postby torn82 » Thu Oct 31, 2019 5:57 pm

Since are break up I have seen her for coffee and it was so hard but lovely at the same time, I realised just how much I love her but understand she also needs to get better, however she has thrown her self back in to work , seeing her friends and or drinking most nights. She sober told me if she messages me when she drunk or just lonely and try’s to get me to go over I’m to say no because she needs to make this decisions when she’s sober. Low and behold she was messaging me last night drunk trying everything she could to get me to come over, I stood my ground and said no which killed me, and was so hard, she messaged me this morning to say sorry and that she shouldn’t have put me in that position. I also had to had in my notice at work today as we work together and I no I couldn’t work with her seeing her everyday not ever knowing if we would or wouldn’t get back together, also building up friendship so quick would be to hard. She said she agreed and that it prob would be the best for us in the long run if we didn’t work along side each other. But she is a very much out of slight out of mind person so I’m worried this will do nothing positive to bring us back together, or ultimately if i stayed working with her it could also add to much pressure for her.
So now I’ve left with out the person who I love and want to get back with, a job I have to leave within 4 weeks, drunken text messages, and her saying she wants a future but can’t promise , let’s be friends until I’m better.
I’m just wondering how much of this is mental health or if it’s just the guilt of a break up. On her part.

torn82
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Oct 29, 2019 6:38 pm

Re: Struggling

Postby torn82 » Fri Nov 01, 2019 11:24 pm

She took an over dose today, recovering in hospital I’m such a mess

tomg
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Oct 30, 2019 3:12 pm

Re: Struggling

Postby tomg » Sat Nov 02, 2019 1:44 pm

You've got to remember this isn't her talking, but her mental health. She wants to be with you, but as long as she has these problems she can't. You need to step back to help her get better. Honestly, once she's better she will realise how supportive you've been. It's going to be so hard, but you are strong. You can make it through.

I'm sorry to hear about the over dose. I know how you're feeling. But remember she'll now be in safe hands where people can keep an eye on her.

You're doing the right thing. Stick with it and things will work out.

prycejosh1987
Posts: 246
Joined: Sat Jul 18, 2020 3:30 pm

Re: Struggling

Postby prycejosh1987 » Sat Jul 18, 2020 6:25 pm

torn82 wrote:A few months ago my partner started to show mental health issues, from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and anger attacks, they were put on antidepressants and now seeking professional help. I took a month off work to support them, be there, take care of them and ended up moving in with them providing 24hour care. I love her with all my heart, she is my world and it pains me to see her like this
A few weeks back she went to stay with her aunty, when she got back she handed me a letter saying she can’t be in a relationship with me or anyone right now, she has to fix her self on her own and learn to not depend on anyone. I genuinely no she is so broken right now and needs to tackle this illness but I am struggling to understand why she broke off our relationship, we are both hurting and upset and struggling so I am unsure why she would choose this option.
We have been broken up for just under two weeks now and I saw her for the first time the other day, she told me she needs a friend her best friend (me) and maybe we can go for coffee, walks and work on just being friends and hopefully when she feels she’s able to have a relationship get back together but she cant promise anything. As she doesn’t no what she wants right now
I am so torn in what to do because I do want to support her and help and be there when she needs me like I’ve always been. I made it clear to her that friends would be hard because I love her and ultimately want to be back in a relationship with her. I Am struggling with how I am meant to be there but only as a friend, knowing there is a massive chance we will not have our relationship back.
We have been together for a year and been through so many happy times .

You might have to support her from the sidelines and remain in contact with her, its a bad choice to stay apart. I wouldnt recommend it.


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