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Not sure who to turn to...

Posted: Mon Oct 28, 2019 2:55 pm
by popsie15

I am really struggling to know where to turn for help with my mother. She was diagnosed with depression about 20 or more years ago and has struggled with mental health ever since. It has been very hard to deal with for my dad and my 3 sisters but its getting worse and I don't know if she is just depressed or if there is a possibility she has other mental health issues.

She has been to the GP periodically over the past 20 years, seen a psychologist, gone through CBT and taken what seems like every anti-depressant going. The more recent years have seen her flat out refuse to go to the GP and go and stop taking her meds (we have tried various ways to get her to) saying no one can help, the doctors are crap and cant help and the meds make her feel ill. Me and my family struggle pretty much every day to try and help her but it isn't getting any easier or better. The biggest issue is that she is aggressive and irrational most the time and we have to try and say or not say the right things, just take whatever she says (and its often the most hurtful and cruelest things you can think of) and try to appease her just to get through the day and not cause an outburst or to avoid her starting on my dad and sisters who live at home.

Now and then she can erupt and things get so much worse where she is inconsolable, irrational to the point she can contradict herself in consecutive sentences, she is so angry and hateful, she doesn't want to see anything from anyone else's point of view, says she doesn't care about how other people feel and that none of her family support her and she twists everything you say into a negative comment (like you are attacking her) when it might not be about her or you said nothing of the such. She almost becomes the worst bully each of us could imagine because she uses the things she knows we are all most sensitive about to mock and hurt us. She verbally threatens to commit suicide but refuses any kind of help. She claims to hate her parents and says vile things about them (when in reality they are the kindest people) but will call them to tell them we have picked on her, telling them the things we have said (none of the things she has and the things she tells them are not verbatim, they are the twisted versions). It is so confusing to here her be so different about them and its like this with almost anyone in our life.

She recently had one of these bad outburst a day after the sudden and untimely passing of my uncle and she made very hurtful comments towards my dad who she knew was struggling with the loss of his brother only the day before. It was like she said the most disgusting things deliberately to hurt him and I am finding it hard to support her with her issues while she is saying these things to my dad who is grieving.

I was sexually assaulted ten years ago, when I approached her to ask her if what had happened to me was wrong and what I should do she called me a slag. I dealt with this all badly at the time and became very ashamed of it and convinced myself it was my fault and so hadn't told my boyfriend of the time (I was too scared he would see it as I had cheated) and as time passed began to feel guilty about not finding the right time to tell him. It is ten years later and I still hadn't told my now husband (rightly or wrongly). My mum would threaten to tell him whenever we disagreed with something or when she had a serious episode of anger. last week she loudly alluded to telling my husband about it with him in the next room (he heard) and I just lost control and became overwhelmed with the emotion of losing my uncle, feeling hurt by what she had just done, tired of being made to feel the way I did about what happened to me and how she as being so angry and cruel to my father. I told my husband and I am now dealing with a very complicated situation as he wraps his head around it.

The issue with my mother is serious as when I left last week after what she said, she immediately returned to being 'normal' and calm and asked my dad why I left. My dad told her because of what you said and she denied saying it and said it was about something else (this makes no sense and I was not ready and would not have chosen to tell my husband what I did if I did not think she was saying what she was). I am really worried now because over the years I have started to wonder if it is just depression my mother has. I am not a professional but it feels like it might be more but when she goes to the gp they don't see the side of her that we see. My dad managed to get her to agree to go to the doctors and he asked me to come along also. I did go along despite what happened as she really does need help as the episodes have caused serious issues for each member of our family and between us also through the things she says and does.

In the doctors she cried, was quiet and vulnerable and told the doctor she just didn't want to be here plus she doesn't see what she said or did as wrong or irrational. She denies it or tells us its not her fault its her depression so she wouldn't ever explain these moments to the doctor, the doctor just sees her sad and crying. The doctor was focussing on dealing with these issues and it wasn't appropriate for me to say about all the angry, aggressive things that I am worried are another issue so she is supposed to be taking anti-depressants and my dad is trying to support her with taking these and getting therapy. I obviously want her to get better but I am struggling more than ever with believing this is depression and have no idea what to do to try and get her help. It has been 20 plus years and it seems to be getting worse and worse every year. I don't know how or if I will get over what happened last week as I may lose my husband and I wasn't ready to deal with the sexual assault stuff. I know how to find help for myself but I just don't have a clue who to talk to about the issues with my mum. I have to try and be strong and support my family when she has the outbursts and its hard because its only a matter of time until it happens again. I am dreading the funeral as it seems moments like that and celebrations are triggers.

I know I have written a real lot (I have also left a LOT out too) and there are a lot of issues but its really knowing how to deal with my mother that I need help with. I don't have a clue how to explain what she is like without going into examples because I have never seen or met anyone like her and have no words to explain it succinctly. I also hope you understand that while it may come across cold or to the point, its a confusing relationship and I don't know how to deal with how I feel about her and the situation and right now pushing my feeling aside to try and support my dad and hold on to my marriage. I just know if someone is hurting or suffering that badly then I wanna help them get better and I don't think she will while no one can see all of how she is. I feel like I have tools and know how to support a person with depression but don't have a clue how to help her or the rest of my family cope with this.

Re: Not sure who to turn to...

Posted: Mon Oct 28, 2019 6:22 pm
by supersonic
Hi popsie15 I hope the15 in your user name is NOT your age.No one that young should have to deal with what you posted. I am sorry and feel your suffering.All I can suggest is get your mum to the Doctors and tell the Doctor Everything thats going on.

Re: Not sure who to turn to...

Posted: Thu Oct 31, 2019 10:31 pm
by piggy
See if you could get a gp app to discuss concerns about your mum without her being there if the receptionists are difficult say it's an emergency as situ is getting worse at home simply say you're considering having her sectioned that actually may get you all the help you need take a friend you can trust for support and write everything down all the examples give it to doc to read try a female gp they are usually understanding be prepared for her being sectioned if she is talking about sucide whether she means it or not it is SERIOUS YOU MUST MOVE ALL KNIVES TABLETS RAZORS BELTS LACES Scarfs anything she could harm herself on I've got the tee-shirt been there that many times I've tried the s word I don't know what time you put this in or how old your mum is but I was diag with borderline personality disorder at 45 so it's possible promise me you will do all this TOMORROW OR TONIGHT IF SHE IS Bad lots of luck

Re: Not sure who to turn to...

Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2020 6:26 pm
by prycejosh1987
Try to understand where she is coming from, as you make choices on contact with her. Good luck.