GF (with PTSD, anxiety and depression) Wants to Breakup

[novascott87]

Hi everyone,

Appreciate any support and advice that anyone can give, but also feel like I need to tell you all about my dilemma.

Basically, my girlfriend (25 years old, I'm 32) has said to me earlier today that for a couple of weeks she had thinking that it would be best if we just be friends, and says that she cannot commit to a relationship, and wants to focus on getting better. Despite the fact she has kinda said this before a few months ago, and we got back together the following day (!), this has still took me by surprise, and I'm a combination of feeling anxious, frustrated, upset and puzzled. I know that for these past couple of weeks her mood has fluctuated more than usual, and that she has come across as more depressed recently - even making reference to suicidal thoughts on occasion. I have not seen her as much per usual these past couple of weeks due to her being at work, and due to her been suffering from sickness and migraines. She only told me today as she had not been in the "right mindset", but for sure her mental health issues (PTSD, anxiety and depression) have taken a toll on her these couple of weeks, not too mention her being stressed due to physical illness, money worries, family issues, etc. Does not help that she is a massive overthinker / worries a lot!

I have always done everything in my power to help / support her, but also realise that she needed her own space, Admittedly, I have done stupid things on occasion and upset her by mistake and always apologised. She also told me that I had put her off by unintentionally upsetting her by snapping at her when I was driving a couple of weeks back (I apologised for this), and for supposedly giving her friends "dirty looks" at times, which I completely denied! But the main point was that she just wanted to sort herself out and not wanting to commit. I know feelings change, but considering how affectionate we have been, and all the things we have said to each other when (even after the aforementioned dispute to an extent) we message / talk to each other, it just comes across as quite sudden. I know she has not messaged me as much recently, but I had also given her some space when she was bedridden with sickness / migraines.

Before she wanted to breakup, I was arranged to join her and family (not for the first time) for drinks and we had communicated about it a couple of days prior like nothing was wrong between us (though, she was stressed about a toxic family member). But even now after breaking up with me, she has offered me to come along tomorrow still as a friend. This is even more puzzling than the first time we 'broke up', especially seeing as she has now told her dad that we are just friends now.

Of course, I was upset when she told me the bad news, and was desperate for her to stay with me, and that I was willing to give all the time in the world to sort herself out, and give me another chance. "I'll see" were the words she would say when I asked her (admittedly, more than once) that when she is feeling better, she would consider giving it another shot. But she also reiterates that she wants to be single for a while. She was very thankful for everything I've done for her, and said that she will always have a "soft spot" for me. I have told her enough times that I want to be with her when she is in the right mindset. Now I just feel emotionally exhausted and don't know else to do. Admittedly, I have some minor issues with anxiety / insecurities and going through this ain't helping.

I seriously hope she reconsiders, as I think the world of her, but I just also feel exhausted, upset and puzzled, and I don't know to how much of an extent her mental health issues have caused her to supposedly wanting to 'break up' with me (again!)

Also, another point, we are technically co-workers, but hardly work together. The vast majority of staff do not offically know about our relationship, which had been official since around June (we were also FWBs for a couple of months beforehand). My GF would also tell me about her being wary / nervous about all the staff knowing about our relationship, despite my reassurances.

Apologies for rambling, but I just needed to vent!

Any advice / support would be greatly appreciated.

[breatheinandout]

Hi there,
Welcome - it is good to vent and get it all out. Did you feel a bit better afterwards?!

Not sure what advice to give you - intimate relationships can be challenging even without mental health difficulties. And they can be a distraction / interference with treatment or recovery - and from what you say she appears to be really struggling. Also sounds like you are walking on eggshells a lot of the time trying not to say the wrong thing? Maybe breaking up is the right thing for both of you? I'm never convinced by the staying friends thing - unless you were friends before you got together.

This may not have helped but say hello and respond!

[novascott87]

Hi there,
Welcome - it is good to vent and get it all out. Did you feel a bit better afterwards?!

Not sure what advice to give you - intimate relationships can be challenging even without mental health difficulties. And they can be a distraction / interference with treatment or recovery - and from what you say she appears to be really struggling. Also sounds like you are walking on eggshells a lot of the time trying not to say the wrong thing? Maybe breaking up is the right thing for both of you? I'm never convinced by the staying friends thing - unless you were friends before you got together.

This may not have helped but say hello and respond!

Hi there!

Thank you for your input and advice. And yes, it's definitely good to vent!

Well, I personally don't think that it's a case of me walking on eggshells, but it just feels like an odd situation. I totally get what you're saying regarding regarding relationships being an unwelcome distraction / stressor when mental health treatment is needed - her head must be an absolute mess currently.

She still invited me to see her family, and I kinda agreed to be friends with her, but she definitely knows how I feel. We were sort of friends in the beginning, well, work mates, but all the time we were working together much earlier this year, she was actually crazy about me and confessed her feelings to me back in March.

Since the supposed "break up", we have spoken generally, and about her stresses (such as her still being affected by migraines) yesterday, and today, but nothing has been brought up regarding our supposed break up / relationship. I just keep remembering her commitment issues and her worrying about not being ready for a relationship / second thoughts back in June. She suppposedly just wanted to be "friends" and broke up with me at one point, but wanted to get back with me the following day!

I do want the issue sorting out sooner than later admittedly. I mean, I love her to bits, and I'm hoping that due to her health problems / stresses, she's temporarily putting things on hold with me. When she is in a good frame of mind, and physically well, I should probably talk to her about face to face, and not just rely on being a friend. Perhaps then I can get a clearer idea on what will happen / what she wants. Besides us being together, I really want her to be as healthy and happy as possible. Of course, I need to be strong for myself as well.

Thanks again for your reply.

[tomg]

Hi mate,

I completely understand your situation as I'm currently going through something slightly similar. Let me explain...

I've been seeing a girl since 4 months, and if I'm honest, I've absolutely fallen for her (I've not felt this way about a girl before). A couple of months into dating, she told me that she had been suffering from anorexia/bulimia for the past ten years. I was fine with this and we carried on seeing each other.

About a month after, she told me that before we had started seeing each other, she had applied for a rehab programme and she had just been accepted. She needs to go to this as it's going to deal with her disorder once and for all. And she also said that we can't have a relationship until she comes out (sometime between June-Oct 2020) as she needs to heal from past relationships while she's there (these were part of the problem, as guys would take advantage of her vulnerabilities and just use her for sex). We originally decided to take things slow until then, but a couple of weeks ago we both decided that it would be best to put things on pause temporarily until she comes out.

I'm still coming to terms with the fact that there can't be anything between us for a year, and we can't even message each other during this time (the rehab is a residential which aims to isolate the client from the pressures of the outside world...no phones, computers, limited visitors etc.). This has been so tough, and I completely resonate with your situation.

Let me tell you what I've realised throughout all of this, and hopefully it will help you. This is all about her getting better. That has got to be the main goal. I was finding it hard because I was positioning having a relationship with her, rather than her and only her. There is no point in being in a relationship if she's always going to be struggling. And in order to help her get better, I need to take myself out of the picture, as difficult as that may be. There's a chance that things might not restart between us when she comes back next year, but that's the risk I've got to take. I can't be selfish. Even if it doesn't work out, she will be better.

I think that the thing you need to focus on is this: if you truly love her, you need to do everything in your power to help her. I guess you probably feel like me - I want to be there to physically support her. But sometimes the best support is giving her total space. Let her know that you're there if you need her. Be someone to fall back on, but don't be there all the time. Like you say, if it is temporary, she'll one day realise the sacrifices you've made to help her, and that might even help make the relationship stronger. You've got to be strong for her.

I'm sorry there's no easy way around this. I genuinely am. Keep focusing on her and not the relationship and just see where it goes. Give her space, and maybe she'll come back to you. But at the same time, don't cling onto her. You need to look after yourself too. You don't have to stop having feelings for her, but try and place them somewhere at the back of your mind for now (easier said than done I know). If things don't work out, it will make it better for you. And if they do work out, then you'll be able to bring those feelings to the front of your mind again.

I really hope this helps. It would be great if you could reply so I know you've seen this.

It will all work out in the end, I promise x

[novascott87]

Hi mate,

I completely understand your situation as I'm currently going through something slightly similar. Let me explain...

I've been seeing a girl since 4 months, and if I'm honest, I've absolutely fallen for her (I've not felt this way about a girl before). A couple of months into dating, she told me that she had been suffering from anorexia/bulimia for the past ten years. I was fine with this and we carried on seeing each other.

About a month after, she told me that before we had started seeing each other, she had applied for a rehab programme and she had just been accepted. She needs to go to this as it's going to deal with her disorder once and for all. And she also said that we can't have a relationship until she comes out (sometime between June-Oct 2020) as she needs to heal from past relationships while she's there (these were part of the problem, as guys would take advantage of her vulnerabilities and just use her for sex). We originally decided to take things slow until then, but a couple of weeks ago we both decided that it would be best to put things on pause temporarily until she comes out.

I'm still coming to terms with the fact that there can't be anything between us for a year, and we can't even message each other during this time (the rehab is a residential which aims to isolate the client from the pressures of the outside world...no phones, computers, limited visitors etc.). This has been so tough, and I completely resonate with your situation.

Let me tell you what I've realised throughout all of this, and hopefully it will help you. This is all about her getting better. That has got to be the main goal. I was finding it hard because I was positioning having a relationship with her, rather than her and only her. There is no point in being in a relationship if she's always going to be struggling. And in order to help her get better, I need to take myself out of the picture, as difficult as that may be. There's a chance that things might not restart between us when she comes back next year, but that's the risk I've got to take. I can't be selfish. Even if it doesn't work out, she will be better.

I think that the thing you need to focus on is this: if you truly love her, you need to do everything in your power to help her. I guess you probably feel like me - I want to be there to physically support her. But sometimes the best support is giving her total space. Let her know that you're there if you need her. Be someone to fall back on, but don't be there all the time. Like you say, if it is temporary, she'll one day realise the sacrifices you've made to help her, and that might even help make the relationship stronger. You've got to be strong for her.

I'm sorry there's no easy way around this. I genuinely am. Keep focusing on her and not the relationship and just see where it goes. Give her space, and maybe she'll come back to you. But at the same time, don't cling onto her. You need to look after yourself too. You don't have to stop having feelings for her, but try and place them somewhere at the back of your mind for now (easier said than done I know). If things don't work out, it will make it better for you. And if they do work out, then you'll be able to bring those feelings to the front of your mind again.

I really hope this helps. It would be great if you could reply so I know you've seen this.

It will all work out in the end, I promise x

Hi there!

Sorry to hear about your situation, and I truly hope it works out for the both of you.

I totally get where you're coming from, and appreciate the advice and kind words.

My situation has taken a bit of a toll on me, and has also flared up some of my anxiety issues / insecurities / self esteem issues that were, to an extent, absent for a long time before all this happened. I feel like I have been too accomodating towards her over the course of the past few weeks, and she has often initiated contact to, usually, ask for a favour. Over time, this has gradually affected me negatively, despite me wanting to support her any which way I can. I wouldn't like to think that she is just purely taking advantage of my good nature, and she knows how I feel about her. The whole situation just seems rather odd at times. Still, she is always appreciative.

Admittedly, she is still physically unwell, and, in the past couple of weeks, has had her daily fluoxetine dosage increased to 40mg again. It might take some time for her to be in a consistently stable frame of mind due to the increased dosage.

I've just had to tell her to try to refrain from messaging me for at least a few days, unless she is upset / stressed, or, has had a change of heart regarding me and her. I will message her back at some point, and try not to be TOO accomodating. I'm also gonna try to avoid using Facebook as much as possible.

There still has been no real indication of her being ready for a relationship / wanting to get back with me, but it might take a long time for when / if she wants to try again. I can wait for as long as, assuming I'm still single. I need to keep my options open.

As you have said, I need to look after my own mental health, first and foremost, and I'm in the early stages of getting back on the right track.

It will probably take some time before things become clearer.


Thank you for your response!