breatheinandout wrote:Hi there,
Welcome - it is good to vent and get it all out. Did you feel a bit better afterwards?!
Not sure what advice to give you - intimate relationships can be challenging even without mental health difficulties. And they can be a distraction / interference with treatment or recovery - and from what you say she appears to be really struggling. Also sounds like you are walking on eggshells a lot of the time trying not to say the wrong thing? Maybe breaking up is the right thing for both of you? I'm never convinced by the staying friends thing - unless you were friends before you got together.
This may not have helped but say hello and respond!
tomg wrote:Hi mate,
I completely understand your situation as I'm currently going through something slightly similar. Let me explain...
I've been seeing a girl since 4 months, and if I'm honest, I've absolutely fallen for her (I've not felt this way about a girl before). A couple of months into dating, she told me that she had been suffering from anorexia/bulimia for the past ten years. I was fine with this and we carried on seeing each other.
About a month after, she told me that before we had started seeing each other, she had applied for a rehab programme and she had just been accepted. She needs to go to this as it's going to deal with her disorder once and for all. And she also said that we can't have a relationship until she comes out (sometime between June-Oct 2020) as she needs to heal from past relationships while she's there (these were part of the problem, as guys would take advantage of her vulnerabilities and just use her for sex). We originally decided to take things slow until then, but a couple of weeks ago we both decided that it would be best to put things on pause temporarily until she comes out.
I'm still coming to terms with the fact that there can't be anything between us for a year, and we can't even message each other during this time (the rehab is a residential which aims to isolate the client from the pressures of the outside world...no phones, computers, limited visitors etc.). This has been so tough, and I completely resonate with your situation.
Let me tell you what I've realised throughout all of this, and hopefully it will help you. This is all about her getting better. That has got to be the main goal. I was finding it hard because I was positioning having a relationship with her, rather than her and only her. There is no point in being in a relationship if she's always going to be struggling. And in order to help her get better, I need to take myself out of the picture, as difficult as that may be. There's a chance that things might not restart between us when she comes back next year, but that's the risk I've got to take. I can't be selfish. Even if it doesn't work out, she will be better.
I think that the thing you need to focus on is this: if you truly love her, you need to do everything in your power to help her. I guess you probably feel like me - I want to be there to physically support her. But sometimes the best support is giving her total space. Let her know that you're there if you need her. Be someone to fall back on, but don't be there all the time. Like you say, if it is temporary, she'll one day realise the sacrifices you've made to help her, and that might even help make the relationship stronger. You've got to be strong for her.
I'm sorry there's no easy way around this. I genuinely am. Keep focusing on her and not the relationship and just see where it goes. Give her space, and maybe she'll come back to you. But at the same time, don't cling onto her. You need to look after yourself too. You don't have to stop having feelings for her, but try and place them somewhere at the back of your mind for now (easier said than done I know). If things don't work out, it will make it better for you. And if they do work out, then you'll be able to bring those feelings to the front of your mind again.
I really hope this helps. It would be great if you could reply so I know you've seen this.
It will all work out in the end, I promise x
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