Hi Claire and upwards,
It’s ldg but under another username (I couldn’t log in with the other details and as it’s silly o’clock in the night this one will have to do).
Thank you for your kind replies and for reminding me I’m not alone. To answer your question upwards, yes he was diagnosed a long time ago and has been in and out of mh services for most of his adult life. He moved to the new town before me to start a course, which is very positive but hasn’t been without it’s challenges for him, and had been seeing a psychologist for his conditions as well as for ptsd. The ptsd was really helped, although on moving day he teetered on the brink of a panic attack after being triggered by something. Sorry I don’t want to go I tot of many details right now for anonymity’s sake, but suffice to say his issues have been compounded by other factors and his anxiety and depression remain severe with not much sign of change in the near future seeing as waiting lists are so long and he’s currently unwilling to reach out to his last psychologist.
It’s been an up and down month and of course moving is stressful for anyone, let alone someone with all his problems and the person supporting him (me). I have tried really hard to make time each day to do something I enjoy during all of the packing, stressing and trying to reassure him. At times I’ve not been very good at it and held my hands up and said I’m sorry I’m not being very good at supporting you, it’s cos I’m stressed. It hasn’t helped that I’ve had a large falling out with my dad, who I have always had a difficult relationship with. In the end I couldn’t handle all of these stresses at once and have had to put my relationship with my dad on hold for the time being as it was all just too much. That is what looking after myself this month has boiled down to. That and going back on amitryptelene to handle stress-induced ibs.
We did the move a couple of days ago and it went quite well all things considered. I suppose I’m writing now because I’ve woken up in the middle of the night and panicked about what comes next. Is it going to be more of the same for the rest of our relationship? Will he get stronger? Will we ever have a physical relationship again (we haven’t for 10 months and actually it’s a huge strain on the relationship. I’m starting to feel so unattractive and unwanted even though I know it’s medicine that’s the reason and that’s a whole other can of worms because it’s directly about my needs- of course not only physical ones- and him not being able to meet them and then me feeling guilty for not always remembering that he can’t always help it). Have I just moved to a new town far away from my friends and family for a giant gamble? Well yes I have, but I think I’m wondering, at now 5am, and this is the hard bit to type because it makes me sound selfish in respect of everything I’ve told you, will it be worth it? You can’t answer that I know.
I didn’t just move for him, there were other good reasons eg job prospects, a fresh start, more exciting place to live. But he is the main reason I moved to this particular place and he has, through no fault of his ow, dominated my life for a huge portion of our relationship and I do factor him in to most of my daily actions and my lifestyle. Life has hanged a lot since we met and much of that has been out of my control, and he would say out of his control. So I guess the reality of moving in these circumstances means it’s inevitable to wake up at 4am and wonder what the hell i’m getting myself further into?
Knowing I’ve got the space on here to say all that helps me to look forward to the future a bit with dare I say it, confidence? Or shifting something through a rant helps me to keep being really co-dependent? I don’t know, I think I’m rambling now and I’ve still got two weeks until I next get to skype my councillor, so I’m really sorry for the long long essay. I needed to get that out. Xx