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Looking for advice

Posted: Fri Nov 09, 2018 7:49 pm
by worriedhusband
I am concerned for my wife. In her last job she was depressed and stressed. She had to find another job and took her last month off work for stress leave. Since starting her new job she enjoys it much more, is really driven and is working much longer hours out of choice and bringing her work home. Her social life has changed dramatically, she is going out a lot more and even sees friends during the week. She has also said that she is leaving me. The way she talks is that she has to make herself happy and can't rely on anyone else. To me she seems void of vulnerability and slightly emotionally detached. There are a lot of positives in the way she has changed but it seems like a dramatic change in a short space of time. I am worried there is something deeper going on with her mental health. Her dad showed what I think are similar symptoms and was diagnosed with bipolar a year ago. Am I right to be concerned?

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 12:05 am
by upwards-is-the-aim
Well it is all a bit bizarre

You give passing mention to her also leaving you as if it was just an item on a shopping list and not an issue for you at all

Why have you done this - are you bothered even ?

Did she say why ?

Maybe the new job is a winner for her and all round and nothing to worry about at all - maybe it has just given her that kick start in life after a crap time before

Or as you say maybe there is more to it

So go on tell us more and lets see where we get to

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 9:19 am
by worriedhusband
I am absolutely devastated. I love her so much she means the world to me. I am falling apart. I just don't want it to seem like I am accusing her of having a mental health condition just because she's leaving me. There were a number of issues. She is giving us 6 months to see if we can be happy. I have stopped all the negatives actions that held us back before but now she is being completely cold with me. She seems unaffected by it all.

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 10:43 am
by robin71
She has committed to work things theough with you that is not being completely cold. Remember you are somewhat shocked by recent events so may not be feeling as much empathy with her emotions.

So try to communicate how you feel, talk, write, phone. But also give each other space, yet still maintain time to be together and listen.

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 1:51 pm
by worriedhusband
Thanks this is all helpful. So do you think there may be an issue with her mental health by what I have described above or am I just clutching at something and reflecting my own feelings?

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 3:46 pm
by robin71
I admit I have no way to answer that. Her previous job; stress lead to depression this is common with or with out mh problems. Once released from that she is more positive and active.

My point of view was that mental health is hard to diagnose and treat, but failure to communicate is always high on the relationship agenda, and you can't do the former without it.

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 4:13 pm
by worriedhusband
You are right. Communication is something we have discussed and have to work on. I have communicated my feelings but they are mostly fear, and neediness. I have tried asking how she feels and again it comes across as being needy. She is sick of discussions like that so I try to give her space but I am really struggling. I do need her. Anyway I am afraid to discuss my concerns for her mental health because I think she will take it as an accusation or criticism. Also she has asked me to get help for my mental health which I will do but I'm scared to take the first step. Again I fear as she has asked me this, if I question her mh she will take it as "No I'm not, you are" kind of thing.

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 7:45 pm
by robin71
First step, errm there is an elephant in this chat room?

Also my wife has ocd, so there is a phrase about doing things that you are scared of, it's a blunt instrument so I apologise for using it on you. Feel the fear and do it any way. Your wife has asked you to do it, get something booked. Then tell her, and that might be a good time to say that your worried about her high energy episode.

I don't think it is needy, it must feel like she is about to pull the rug out from under you.
Listen carefully is she saying you are needy or is she saying that she is tired of circular discussion?.
You could write down a list of your fears, needinesses, And ask her to write 'I understand' which I assume she does, then you might be able to park them in a draw or something.

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 9:18 pm
by upwards-is-the-aim
Well you have a relationship that you value and you are aware of your own MH issues and she wants to give it time
Seems like a good start point to me

Maybe seek her support to help you get going with things - maybe come to the first session with you - or at least part of it
What issues does she think you have - neediness - anything else
Are you needy - have you always been
Did she like you being needy but not now

Also look back and try to work out what has changed between you and what you use to do

Maybe do some of the old classics but together and try and find things to share together
Walking - good for the mh also
Crosswords -
Go to a cafe
Go to the pub for tea
Quiz nights in pubs - two of you mean you can invite yourselves to join another team
Watch a boxset on netflix together

Maybe you have become a bit boring and need some new zest

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 12:18 am
by worriedhusband
The problem I have with getting help is I have to go and see the same doctor I would for a sore throat. It's impersonal. To phone the receptionist and ask for an appointment because I'm feeling a bit sad. I just struggle with that.
She is saying both. In the past I haven't been there for her how I should or I have got irritated with her for stupid things. Let's say I've made a lot of mistakes. Now I want to make up for that by being there for her whenever I can and doing kind things for her. Problem is I am pandering to her. She has become so strong and independent and driven recently she takes that as an insult. I need to relax but I want to show her I have changed and how much I care for her. She gets irritated with me doing that because it's such a change she thinks it's not genuine. I try to ask her if she's ok or how she's feeling but again she gets irritated because I am pandering and not being myself. I guess I'm coming across as being desperate which must be tiring for her. I guess I can empathise with her a bit. Iv never done this before. I guess talking to people about it kind of helps.
And no I'm not normally needy. I can be at times but there have been times when iv been a bit cold with her. Iv told her how sorry I am about everything. I keep a journal now. I used to message her with what I'm feeling but it got too much. Iv filled nearly a whole book.