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Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2018 11:07 pm
by upwards-is-the-aim
So an exercise for you

(How old is your son)

Try to pretend that you have left the house and what your life will be like during the days and weekends and what your contact with your son and mum will also be like
Where will you be living is one of the considerations

And write it all down and post it back here

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2018 7:30 pm
by worriedhusband
With couples therapy it says it requires 6-12 sessions. She says she will only go once and only if I am seeing someone for myself too.
My boy is 5, will be 6 at Xmas time. I am dreading Xmas, it is usually such a happy time. I have never enjoyed or been happy at Xmas time before her. I am not really close with any of my family. When I met her, I was welcomed into her family and Xmas became a wonderful time. Now it is something I will struggle and have to get through.
I will move back in with my dad, who I have a bit of an awkward relationship with now. Then I will find a place to stay and rent. She will stay in the house until our fixed rate on our mortgage is up in 3 years then we will sell.
She drops him at school every morning because I can't and I pick him up 3 times a week so I think we would stay in fairly close contact. I am scared that makes it harder though. What if she meets someone else. Or even has a fling, in our bed. Even seeing a pic of her on a night out with a guys arm around her or something. I can't bear these thoughts.
At weekends I will do things with our son myself then take him back to hers. Apart from that not much other human adult contact. It feels like it will be a lonely time. Too much time to think. Especially knowing she is out living a great life, the life she wants. I wish it was with me.
I swear if we stayed together this could be the best thing that ever happened to us. I have never had so much gratitude for having her by my side. I know exactly what I need to do to make us both so happy. I have never done what I should have the whole time. I have so much regret. Now it's too late.

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2018 11:00 pm
by robin71
My guess is that in couples therapy the therapist will take full account of what your wife wants, it takes some pressure off you both over negotiating. I would remain open to the idea of other help, but it's OK to do start one by one, and the first person you talk to may have good advice about what else to do. Also sometimes in couples the therapist wants to see you individually too.

From your description work colleagues aren't providing human contact?

I can't fix the issues that lead to your fears, but your honesty will help you move on when you are ready. When you begin to rebuild it should be from foundations that are honest, but it will take time, sadness is more healthy than hysterical denial.

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2018 11:08 pm
by upwards-is-the-aim
robin71 wrote: but your honesty will help you move on when you are ready. When you begin to rebuild it should be from foundations that are honest, but it will take time, sadness is more healthy than hysterical denial.


You are being very open here - the advantage of that is that you and others can work on your problems

I do feel for you and your position

Tell us about your relationships that you had before you met your current wife
And how you behaved in those

Were you happy back then or were you also worried in them

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2018 3:51 pm
by worriedhusband
I saw the doctor this morning. He was less personable than the one I spoke to on Monday. But more like a tough love kind of approach. He asked about diet and exercise. I told him I have nearly stopped exercising and can barely eat now. I know that being physically active and healthy is good for mental health but I can't bring myself to at the moment. But he put it in a different way. I have told my wife I will make a change and be the person I want to be in our relationship. He said that the only way to really show her I am going to change and that I can be that person is to focus on myself and do regular physical exercise and start properly eating healthily. And if the relationship doesn't work then I will be in a better place to deal with it. If I don't and I crumble into myself which I have been doing then our marriage will never work.
I texted my best mate who I have drifted away from a bit in the last few years. He knows a bit about the situation but I told him a bit more and asked if he would exercise with me once a week to give me motivation.
I went out a run today too. To prove to myself I can do it. I need to keep it up though. I fear as time goes on and my relationship gets worse my hope will get worse and I will stop. If I don't have her i don't see the point. I just want to prove to her that I am strong, determined and that I can change and be that person I want to be for us.
So my work colleagues do provide human contact. I'm not close with anyone though. But I meant more at the weekend. The weekend is when you are supposed to look forward to and really live your life and do the things you want to do. When I give my son back to her I will go home to an empty house and be alone for the rest of the weekend.
Past relationships I have been fairly similar. Always feared losing them. Been hurt a couple of times. Nothing major though. No marriages or children involved. I guess I have never valued myself as much as others. Especially others I love or think highly of. But I have never been as honest and open with anyone as I have with her. We were so close. I have never felt safer with anyone as I have with her.

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2018 8:57 pm
by robin71
At wekends you can bake and get great meals ready to freeze for yourself and when your son next visits.
There are running clubs, and other social sports. Cycling is very popular, I'd be suprised if none of your colleagues are talking about where then rode at the weekend on Monday mornings.

Take care of yourself like the doctor said.

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2018 11:04 pm
by upwards-is-the-aim
I am impressed that you were able to go out for a run - nice one - and keep it up

Maybe mix it with some other stuff

I don't know what you financial position is like but consider joining a gym - or joing some exercises or yoga classes

If she feels that you have a live that is not just fawning around her - you may find she changes

So go get that life

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2018 9:51 am
by worriedhusband
To be honest that still sounds pretty lonely. I'm not really a sporty person at all. I need real connection. Need to spend time with my real friends.
When I was running I pictured myself running towards her, and her saying if you want this relationship then you have to run towards it. Made me feel like I could run forever. All I had to do was reach her and we would be together.
Spoke with my mate and we will do something together.

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2018 12:40 pm
by upwards-is-the-aim
You do not have to be a sport person to do exercise/sport - you can just do it for the benefits it brings - and I would consider that

Yoga classes - few other people around you etc

But great that you are going to do something with your mate - try and get at least one day a week pencilled in

Re: Looking for advice

Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2018 3:54 pm
by robin71
It almost sounds like you are one of those socialable people who just needs other people around, like you haven't before had to consider how you got to the position where you have friends.

I think you are over the first hurdle, as you want to be sociable, most people who struggle do so because they can't get out there.

While you are grieving for your relationship you will have strong emotions, that you cannot control and make the future look bleak. What you can control is your behaviour hence exercise and other simple activity being so important.

I looked at this recently, it made me think about how to form good relationships, by recognising that all personalities have little quirks, even if not actually a disordered. ... -disorder/