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Looking for advice

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
robin71
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 6:02 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby robin71 » Mon Nov 12, 2018 12:03 am

It sounds like you want to be submissive to her, but not that she is dominant, so I would focus on how you can make your relationship equal. In this case pandering to her is what you want but not healthy for the relationship.
(There are various reasons why you may have become submissive or lost your self esteem)

Your terror is unfounded, you can cope with huge loss, it is not easy but there are healthy ways to do so. If you can some how focus on where you are now, and not on your fears, that may give you a little space to work on the problem. I am not saying live in denial, we all have to accept fate, but it's OK just to focus short term, when we are struggling.

If she thinks it might work then, relate sounds like a good idea, it seems that you are reporting conversations with no common ground. On the other hand you say you are devoted, and she has waited while not being happy for years, and is still waiting. Even if you had a separation tomorrow I still see hope in both your actions if not your words, a counsellor could help.
(One each) hug hug

worriedhusband
Posts: 21
Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2018 10:43 am

Re: Looking for advice

Postby worriedhusband » Mon Nov 12, 2018 8:42 pm

I spoke to the doctor today. He suggested relate couples counselling. I don't think she will be very receptive to the idea. The idea of it and the way the doc explained it has kind of given me hope. If she doesn't agree though then all hope is lost.
I am terrified of losing her because she means the world to me. Since we have been together and had our son I have drifted away from most of my friends. I have put everything into my family because they are my everything, both of them. They make me the happiest. There is nothing or no one that makes me happier.
We don't really have conversations about it. I say something and she gets pissed off because she is sick of the whole thing. I have asked her what she wants but she says I can't just give her what she wants because it's not genuine. I think she just thinks we are and never were right for each other. I disagree. She is so right and good for me. I know I can make her happy too if I get the chance and don't fuck it up.
I can't get over the terror or fear, where we are now is not a good place either so I can't even focus positively on that.
It honestly feels like iv been given 6 months to live. Each day the end looms closer. I am doubtful now if we will even make it to the 6 months or if she will just pull the plug before Xmas.

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 554
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Mon Nov 12, 2018 9:18 pm

Do you think you can pick up on some of your old friendships and start doing other stuff

This will be good for you and your wife will also start to see that it is not all her that you need and she might prefer that
She might prefer that a lot

From the outside I feel as if the current issues have probably become the only discussion that you want to have and because of where you are at mentally the only discussions that you feel able to have

You are also - in case you had not realised - in black or white land - which is where depression takes some people / and/or helps get and keep them there

So if she does not agree to relate all hope is lost - er no - that solution is lost

Do you do much together outside the house ?

When was the last time you went away for a weekend or a holiday together ?
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

robin71
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 6:02 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby robin71 » Tue Nov 13, 2018 12:26 am

I am proud you went to the doctor. Many suggested it but it was you that did it.
It shows such commitment to your family.

A pro recommended relate, that counts I hope she listens to that.

You have what ever time and professional help is required for you your wife and son to find a solution that suits you all. Just go step by step. She may seem cold but she needs to find her way with you too.

worriedhusband
Posts: 21
Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2018 10:43 am

Re: Looking for advice

Postby worriedhusband » Tue Nov 13, 2018 9:56 pm

So I asked her to go to couples counselling and she immediately said no. I explained that it might help us both get closure if it still doesn't work etc. She agreed to go to one session only. But she doesn't see the point in wasting time or money. She doesn't need help I do, and she has said everything she has to say. She has basically said she has agreed to stay because she wants to make sure I'm ok. Not really to see if the marriage can work. She is done.
Does relate cost money? I am going to the docs on Friday so can discuss it with him then.
I have tried reconnecting with friends over the last year but it is very rare I see them. Seems like a big effort for one night out or whatever then that's it. It's not regular. Seems to be me that puts in the effort and gets little back. Guess people have their own lives to live now.
You are right. This is the only discussion i want to have with her. I am just hoping that something I say will get through and she will change her mind or even consider things differently. A weekend away or holiday will not help. I doubt she would even agree.
Her mind seems so made up now that I am certain it will not change.

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 554
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Tue Nov 13, 2018 10:29 pm

Okay if she will go to one session of relate that shows willing and you might as well go for it

As a question - and it is meant to help you think in a different way

If she died from natural causes suddenly at work tomorrow - so not leaving you - just one of lifes throw of the dice etc

What do you think you would do
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 554
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Tue Nov 13, 2018 10:31 pm

People do have their own lives to live and you will not suddenly become part of them overnight again

But stick with it and maybe broaden out a bit and look for other social contacts etc
But see it as a long game
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 554
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Tue Nov 13, 2018 10:33 pm

And lets pretend play / forward think

What does leaving in 5 months mean in real world terms

Is she leaving the house or expecting you to - or both of you

Wha will happen
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

worriedhusband
Posts: 21
Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2018 10:43 am

Re: Looking for advice

Postby worriedhusband » Wed Nov 14, 2018 9:44 pm

If she died I would be devastated, lonely and would miss her unbearably. But without sounding horrible, I think it would be easier to take than this. It would be quicker and I wouldn't feel betrayed or abandoned or unloved.
See it as a long game. That's good advice. I will stick in and try and have friends more regularly in my life. I really need that support now though, it's hard to wait.
I will leave the house. I offered because I want stability for our son. I want him to stay in his home. We have discussed things and we both still want to be close to each other for him. He will be in my life as much as hers. She is so compassionate, she really is a wonderful woman. I have been so lucky to be with her. I cherish our time together.
Our last holiday was in Greece in July. That is the happiest I have ever felt in my life. It was 2 months before this all started. It is such a shock.
This feels a bit weird. I feel quite close to you guys who iv never met. Iv never been so honest with anyone. I guess hiding behind a phone helps. And also having people that want to listen.

robin71
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 6:02 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby robin71 » Wed Nov 14, 2018 10:33 pm

Hello, you are welcome to the talk.
It's good news that you have been able to make some plans and talk about how to make things work.
Regarding therapy I have found so often that it's the wrong time, or the right type can not be found or some other problem comes along. So I'd recommend trying, if it helps then it is priceless, but dropping it is fine if it's not right for you both.


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