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Please help me - did depression cause break up?

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Please help me - did depression cause break up?

Postby confused » Fri Jul 20, 2018 10:20 pm


I'm new and could really do with some help in understanding and processing what has happened.

My now ex-boyfriend decided to end our relationship last week. I was absolutely devastated (still am). A little history, we had been together two years and in the beginning it was amazing, truly the best relationship I have ever had. We spent a lot of time together and were both incredibly happy.

As the relationship progressed external influences caused some tension and meant we were unable to spend as much time together, however I didn't add to this and did my best to give him the space and flexibility he needed. This was pretty stressful for everyone and a little dramatic and I stepped back from the situation. There was also a death in the family shortly after this.

A few months ago we had a conversation where he didn't know whether his feelings were the same and he was not sure if he was happy. We talked it through and carried on, as the months progressed he seems happy and we plodded along.

Out of the blue (to me) last week he ended our relationship. He said that he has started counselling, he says there are issues that he has not dealt with and needs to work through. He said that he has no feelings at all and he does not know what is wrong with him, he didn't understand why he couldn't feel love and that he would probably be on his own forever. He said things have also been impacting on work too but did not give details. He said that I deserve to be treated better and it's not fair on me and he does not want to drag me down with him.

I wanted to be there to help but he said it's something he needs to do on his own and just could not be in a relationship. He said I had done nothing wrong, so why did he leave me??? He mentioned the word depression, I don't know whether this has been officially diagnosed.

This has come as a complete shock to me. I desperately want to be there to help, I love this man with all my heart and he has just pushed me away. He's deleted my friends from facebook and removed my access to some shared apps - it seems so cold.

I tried to call him after giving him a week without contact from me but he ignored my call so now I feel like he never wants to speak to me again and I've been cut off.

I guess I am looking for some insight. Is this the depression talking? Because he spoke to me a few months ago did he just want out? Does this sound like depression? Will he come back to me when he's had some time to work through this? I miss him terribly and he seems to not care at all :(

Thanks in advance, any replies would be appreciated.

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Re: Please help me - did depression cause break up?

Postby capitalt » Sat Jul 21, 2018 11:07 am

Pressures from many places can cause someone to withdraw, this my be depression or ways of coping, both with those pressures and depression.
We can feel numb, and really struggle.
Counselling is a sign he's asking for help, often the best way is to give that person the space they need to work things through. It does sound as though he's dealing with a lot.
I know this will be tough for you too, perhaps seek help for yourself to help cope with your loss?
I hope things work out either way.
Good luck

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Re: Please help me - did depression cause break up?

Postby sirhugo » Sat Jul 21, 2018 11:09 am

From everything I've read it sounds like your boyfriend was suffering from depression and I suspect that is the reason behind the break-up

Im a depression sufferer myself so maybe I can give you some insight into his mindset

Depression is a horrible illness. It sucks the life out of you. You lose your motivation, lust for life and general will to live. nothing seems to have any point anymore. You also can lose to ability to feel happiness or joy or anything at all. When you are at your lowest nothing and no one can improve your mood. self loathing is also very common. you often feel that your are useless and a failure and that you don't deserve anything good

if you are in the at mindset its really difficult to manage a relationship. I suspect he also doesn't want to subject you to himself when hes feeling this crappy, because as he said doesn't want to take you down with him

It possible he may want to get back together after hes had treatment and things have improved. but there are no guarantees. The only thing I can suggest is that you try to get in touch and offer to be there for him if you need him. From there its a waiting game im afraid

hopefully this has helped a little. hope it all works out for you

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Re: Please help me - did depression cause break up?

Postby confused » Sat Jul 21, 2018 7:03 pm

Thank you for the responses. I really hope he gets better and we find our way back. I'm in a state and over-analysing now and wonder whether it's just the depression that caused the break up or what triggered it. I wanted to talk to him but he didn't answer my call a few days ago and I haven't tried to contact him since.

I don't want to make him worse but I don't want to disappear either. It's really hard to know what to do! He hasn't asked for his house key back yet so I'm hoping that's a good sign, although I am probably clutching at straws.

He's seemed really confused to me over the last few months, I hope he doesn't associate this depression with our relationship - I treated him so well and he didn't say I hadn't and kept insisting I had done nothing wrong.

We were both so upset when he left. Do you think that was the guilt for him? He said he had been feeling really guilty about the way he had been treating me.

I've got a good support network around me and I'm receiving counselling myself just to work through this break up.

How much space do you think he needs? I don't want to initiate contact again if he's not ready, I don't know if it's better to wait for him to contact me.

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Re: Please help me - did depression cause break up?

Postby charlierose » Mon Oct 29, 2018 2:56 pm

Hi Confused,
How are things going for you now? I’m in a similar situation with my (ex) boyfriend of three years. We’ve moved to another country and the stress and pressure of that seems to have made him push me away and break up with me.
I’m just not sure if this is down to his depression (he’s on new medication for it) or if he truly doesn’t love me anymore like he says.
Any advice/updates on your situation?

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