My husband was diagnosed with psychosis five years ago and after being in and out of hospital a few times is now living in 24 hour supported accommodation.
Before my husband became ill we were extremely close and very excited about our future together and all the wonderful things we were working towards.
Our relationship was blissfully happy most of the time but triggers from my husband's traumatic childhood would come up and this was very hard for him. My husband grew up in a highly dysfunctional family and he was very self aware and wanted to heal from his past. I was supporting him and he was working with the help of a therapist to heal. Unfortunately a series of challenges happened in our lives including his mum dying of alcoholism and the sale of our new home falling through and this seemed to trigger a complete breakdown.
I tried to get my husband to talk about his mum's death but he just seemed to shut down more and more each day until he became a shell of his former self. Finally he went into hospital and initially I naively thought that he would be able to recover and become well again but he was diagnosed with psychosis.
His dad who caused a lot of issues in his childhood at home and was very manipulative and had been so threatened by our closeness, told my husband that his breakdown was caused by our marriage, that it was my fault and that he had got married too young.
My husband in his very vulnerable state slowly began to believe him despite all the evidence to the contrary and the many letters he wrote before he became ill.
My best friend who I meant the world to put up a huge wall, developed an on-going infatuation with a Hollywood actress and has gone from having his whole life ahead of him to being a recluse, hardly ever leaving his room. He is on medication which is also making him very numb a lot of the time. I love him no matter what but it has been very hard to watch this wonderful, caring, kind, happy and vibrant man go from being a healthy and active 10 1/2 stone to now a 20 stone angry, bitter, cold and distant man and not knowing the best way to help.
His Doctor sees his desire to be a hermit and have virtually no contact with anyone other than his dad for the last two years as possibly a process. His supported accommodation is not that far away. I have supported him by letting him know I am there for him and giving him all the space he needs but it is incredibly hard.
If I'm honest I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone else because having been married previously and now losing someone who loved me with all their heart and who I absolutely love as well I know I will never find anyone I love as much as this again so please don't tell me I will. I am completely on my own, mainly because when you are in this kind of situation so few people understand so it's hard to connect with others.
Friends and family have their own lives and are happy. I am glad they are happy but it also saddens me that the man who was their friend too and a part of their family now no longer exists in their reality and is rarely talked about. Like as if someone dies and the rest of the world moves on. Except of course he hasn't died.
Recently I have begun to lose all hope not only for my husband but also of ever knowing happiness again myself. I just need to know there is someone out there somewhere who understands any of what I am going through or can help me understand things better from the perspective of mental illness. Thank you.