Depressed boyfriend is emotionally flatlining

[ariane]

Hi Scn
Just catching up on your thread here.
I have been posting on a different one with Lillie, I am the other person with contact... well up to a couple of days ago.

My guy was never in LT relationships either. I met him online, we fell head over heels very quickly. He had deep confidence issues thinking that I was too good for him etc... we were together a few months when he broke up with me in December (the week after he told me that some day he would marry me). He did it by text stating that i was better off without him, he wasn't good enough for me, he did not want to hurt me and although he loved me he had to break it off. I forced a meeting (as in i showed up at his work) and he told me he was thinking of ways to die everynight, that the only time he was happy was with me. The whole month of December I pushed, contacted him sometimes I was supportive, sometimes i was angry. Then in January he agreed to meet me. We started seeing each other at the week ends every couple of weeks, having a great time and enjoying each other's company. The first time we barely kissed, the second time we hugged and kissed good bye, we started becoming more and more comfortable with each other he responded when i was telling him i love him, he told me he had missed me too. Then mid Feb came the big breakthrough, he admitted his depression, went on meds and started counselling.
He left his job, moved home and started a new job. Things were looking up, he introduced me to friends i had never met before, he called me his girlfriend again, I stayed over twice in the last 2 weeks. But... he stopped his meds, the dark thoughts came back and although we had a great wkend together less than a week ago and i stayed over, he has stopped all contact with me since Wednesday.

[scn]

Hi Ariane,

This is hauntingly familiar. We too met online and he is also crippled with low self esteem. He's 39 and he says he's never had a 'proper' relationship before. When we were together he told me he thought he had been in love before, but that what we had was so different and so special, he realised he hadn't. He would repeatedly tell me how important I am to him and how he had never felt so close or comfortable with another person. It was like I'd shown him a world he'd only heard rumours about.

We haven't spoken all week and it's been tearing me up. We are due to meet next Saturday (platonically) but I really want to see him sooner.

I can't understand why men in these situations do not want to face their demons with their self-described best friends by their sides. Now he has the added spectre of a cocaine addiction to counter with as well as the depression and I feel like I'm emotionally flatlining too.

He's thrown a grenade into my life. We were meant to be moving in together next month, going on holiday, to weddings etc. etc. I feel like I've been hit by a truck and I don't know what to do.

[lilliep]

Hi Scn

How are you doing? How did Saturday go? I found the platonic thing tough. It’s hard when you have been warm and affectionate with someone to be cold and unfeeling. It’s also confusing because in any other situation just wanting to be friends is pretty much the end of a relationship but throw in depression and it’s a bit more complicated. I’m not sure where I stand at the moment. Since the ‘I only love you as a friend right now’ thing he’s been very evasive and even less communicative. At the start of this he said relationship stuff was too stressy and he just needed a friend and support until his case was over. He’s not even treating me as a friend now so I think he’s found someone else and I’m no longer required.

Take care

Lillie x

[james80]

Good luck with the platonic thing. You are doing a selfless thing and that is admirable.

I'm at that situation with my ex (although we were only a couple for a short amount of time and friends for a lot longer prior to that so the transition may not be as difficult for me as you may find it) the hardest thing is that I need to constantly remind myself that we aren't together. That she told me she has no feelings for me any more etc. I have to repeat that to myself like a mantra otherwise I find myself looking for signs in everything.

So for example . Today I find I can suddenly see her Avatar on WhatsApp, which I think means she's 're added me to her contacts. She also sent me a message uninitiated for the first time in two months (I was wearing a new beard oil which admittedly smells a bit like cannabis and she messaged me "do you have weed in your pocket" she later put a drugs awareness leaflet on my desk as a joke) these are all harmless things but the temptation is to put far more significance onto her actions. Which just drives me crazy and the ruminations start again. I'm having to train myself to not do that. You basically have to give up any hope of the relationship (for now) to be able to be just a friend, and also to protect yourself.

Scn you asked a few days if these situations ever work out. Well I think thwy do. But I think the representation onlije is overwhelmingly on the side of the relationships that don't make it. Thats partly because the success stpries peoplle are too busy they necer repost. They only post in the depths of their despair over their lost relationahip. But also I think a large number of relationships don't survive because it's so damned hard to hang in there most people on our side eventually have to give up and walk away for their own sake. That happens less often with marriages as there are often kids and financial reasons to fight it out. Every situation is different and it's up to the individual to set their own boundaries and timescales.