Reaching breaking point

[watsername]

First time forum user here- I just don’t feel like I have anywhere to go and need to find people that understand.
My partner of 10 years and husband of 2.5 years has depression. He was diagnosed about 2 and a half years ago but has probably been on a downward spiral for 5 years.
We have two children together and the problems started when our second was born almost 5 years ago. He’s attempted suicide last October and had panic attacks and anxiety issues too. He’s on anti depressants but stops taking them when he feels like it. And goes to cbt therapy once a week.
My problem is holding it all together. I work full time and look after the kids. My husband manages to get to work but that’s about it. He ignores our children and me most of the time. Which is preferable to him being angry. He sleeps every opportunity he gets. Won’t socialise. Can’t look after the children. If I leave him to look after them he sometimes forgets to feed them, has no idea how to bath them, do homework - get ready for school etc.
I do all the housework, laundry, cooking, school runs, work, kids activities, plus I look after him - and it’s slowly killing me. I’m miserable all the time now. I’m worried and tired and stressed and feel sick all the time. I’m not doing as well as I should be at my job. The kids are noticing, they don’t want me to be away from them and don’t want to be around him.
I’ve tried to talk to him but it’s like he’s just not there. I’ve spent 2 years like this and I feel like I’m in a vice. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I’ve lost 2 stone in the last year from stress. All my friends think I should ask him to leave but I can’t let go of the person he used to be. But I also can’t wait around for that person to come back and it never happen. What if my children are affected by him. I don’t know if I should keep them in this environment. I just want to scream. I went to therapy for 6 weeks myself but couldn’t even find the time to continue to go to that. Or the money due to the fact my husband has took a demotion recently to help with stress and we still owe his parent money from when he had to have 2 months off from stress which was unpaid.
I just want to feel like there’s a light at the end of this tunnel

[mihaela]

Hello and welcome!
I'm sorry to hear about what you're all going through - in your own different ways. As it's gone on for so long, it's very important that he gets more professional help, otherwise the situation won't get any better. Unfortunately, you'll have to fight for it, preferably both of you. The MH services should be taking it very seriously, for his depression is affecting all of you.

It's not good enough simply being given medication or referred for CBT by a GP. He needs to see a specialist, which is his right.

[vitasw]

Hi watsername,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. That's so much stress and responsibility on your shoulders. I agree with mihaela about your husband's right to better mental health support, but I also think it's important you find some more support in the meantime as clearly you can't rely on your husband to help with the day to day responsibilities. I honestly don't know how you are doing all this on your own, and you've been doing it for 2 years! It is no wonder that you feel like you are falling apart. You don't even have time to go to your own therapy sessions because you are putting others needs before your own.

You mentioned friends who are aware of the situation, could they be more supportive? Sometimes people are very willing to help they just need to be asked. Could they baby sit now and again so you can have some time off? Could they come round and help with the chores once in a while?

You've mentioned his parents helped financially while he was off work, are they aware of the full situation? Could they help more (e.g. baby sitting / delaying the loan repayment)? Afterall, this does affect their grandchildren's well-being. Is there other family you could ask help from?

It's not doing anyone any good for you to be in such a difficult situation. I think if it could be just even a little bit easier for you then you would have more time and energy to figure out what you want and what you need to do long-term (and see the light at the end of the tunnel!).

All the best,

V