Depressed girlfriend has ended our relationship

[cc86]

Thanks both of you, and I really do feel for you both in your individual circumstances. It is horrible but also reassuring that none of us are alone in what we're going through.

I find the hardest thing to take is that for several months my gf was madly in love with me, wanting a future and we have done a lot together in a short space of time. I did notice that she had been on some powerful anti depressants several years ago which when I quizzed her on them she said she had them due to work stress but never took them. I still don't think she feels that she suffers at all and instead chooses to blame me and her job.

We have always had the odd clash, and I had to deal with some trust issues early on but feel that since then she's very much been able to do as she pleases. We had an episode over Christmas where we didn't see each other for a few days (wasn't my best Xmas!) and then again mid January, where she said things were over and ignored me. I left her be for a few days and she started messaging me and was worried I was going to move on. We rekindled things and had a spell of a month of so where we were looking forward and really happy together. Even this time a week ago we were on good terms spending time together.
When I asked her how she could go from so much love to seemingly not wanting me in her life again, she just said it's not right and she's felt like it's a constant battle for us to work.
I slipped tonight and sent a brief message just asking how she is but I doubt she will reply.

Just feel so truly helpless at the moment that a major part of my life has just disappeared despite feeling so loved for so many months.

[james80]

That's the thing I find hardest to understand as well. In all my dating experience I've never seen or experienced a loss of feelings so quick. It just doesn't happen. It makes yoy question everything and my self esteem tool a hit because of it (maybe she never loved me?) But it also keeps this bloody hope alive in the face of every indication that there is none (maybe she still lives me feel down and will.come back to me?)

Depression is such a horrible thing.

[james80]

Reading your story again and the fact that there were a few minor periods of her shutting down over the last few months I wonder whether she will come back and leave a few more times? Quite often there is this sort of push pull behaviour.

I'm quite glad in a way that my ex didn't do this to me, she seemed set on going to the doctors etc early on and whilst her complete shutting down and cutting me out was hard, at times I felt completely meaningless to her, Id have found her popping in and out worse I think. The combination of how into me she genuinely seemed prior to the break up and the seemingly sudden change of opinion kept the hope alive. I think ive read every blog post and forum comment etc about relationships that brrak up due to depression. Even now 4 months on, with her telling me to move on hand that she did not have the same feelings for me, and indeed possibly in a new relationship of some sort (still not sure about that one) I look for signs that maybe something is still there. I do this to my detriment and all it does it torture me. For example last Wednesday I was giving a presentation to a committee in work. Prior to the meeting I was reading through my report in the council chamber, she was showing people into the room etc and I noticed her across the room by the doors. I just thought "she's gping to turn arpund and look over here now" and she did. There may have been lots of reasons for her to do that but I of course started thinking maybe it means something about her feelings. She is acting a lot more like herself and interacting with me more so my brain is in overdrive "may be her feelings are coming back?". I know those thoughts are jot helpful to me and my well.being, but even now I cannot stop them.

It's early days for you and it will be hard. You will do things you regret. But it will get easier. But I don't think it ever gets easy. It will resolve itself. Either you will reconcile, or you will move on. You may never get a satisfactory answer. But some people do. The ball is always in their court.

[cc86]

Hi James,

Thanks for your message...I was hoping maybe it was like a cycle and that she would come back again and we could talk and hopefully get her the help I feel she needs (but obviously I would try and go through it with her). Tonight, I happened to log back into the dating site we met on to reminisce and look at the initial exchanges where we quickly "fell" for each other and I noticed she has removed me (when I checked last time we had a break up she was still on there) so I fear she has already gone back on to move on and meet someone new.
Having seen this I am deeply hurt that she could just wipe away any hurt or feeling for me and simply move on, surely that's not usual behaviour in itself!? I do fear things are done and dusted this time and she seems to have no care for my feelings or any recollection of the happy memories we shared.

[james80]

I've been there mate! I remember when my ex untagged herself from every photo we were on together on Facebook. Felt unnecessary and quite hurtful. Particularly as there were other photos from the same.nights she kept. Like she was airbrushing me from her history!

It's not usual behaviour, given the timeframe, but it's fairly usual when depression and other mental health issues are a factor. It feels like the end of a relationship where there has been something catastrophic (cheating etc) but nothing like that has happened. That's what I couldn't get out of my head. You look for an answer but can't find one that satisfies so your brain goes into overdrive. Cognitive dissonance.

My advice is the same. Look after yourself. Move on with your life, meet friends, do hobbies, exercise (but again it doesn't mean you are shutting the door on her) but what might help you right now is educating yourself about depression and what it can do to relationships and love. You might not feel as alone. Ultimately it makes you feel a bit helpless as the consensus is that there isn't much you can do. But at least you feel less crazy knowing how many other people have gone through this.

[cc86]

Thanks mate, so after sending a relatively long message to my ex gf last night just asking what had happened so drastically to change things, I had a long reply today saying how the relationship brought out a nasty side in her and that she didn't want to hurt me but wanted me to move on and be happy. Now I've been thinking I have some suspicions that her recent activities (a lot of going out, spending time and money on her appearance and avoiding affection) may suggest there was someone else. I have asked for closure and honesty as it is eating away at me now.
Like you say, I need to focus on myself now and realise that a relationship with so many constant rows and break ups isn't healthy, rows caused by everyday things that I have done that cause offence when they shouldn't in a normal relationship.
Maybe it is depression causing her sudden change, as I just don't see going from making future plans and being part of family events, even making love one week ago to just cutting me completely out of her life for good is rational behaviour.
Is it possible that if we are dealing with a form of depression (although she has never admitted this at all), that she could have a complete change of heart if I were to leave her be and try to make her miss me?

[mimosas]

I do know how you feel, but in my case there were no arguments, we went from planning him moving to Spain to him ending things in the space of 10 days.

There's no answers tho, I feel that maybe when their heads are back in the place they were in when things were good, they may realise they miss you. Whether they appreciate the hurt they caused in the meantime is another matter. From the outside it seems like a very selfish illness but that is the defence mode of the depressed. They need all their energy for their day to day life and just can't cope with what they perceive to be the demands of a partner, even tho all the partner wants to do is support them.

I'm debating Whether to message a friend of his, just to ask If he is ok and If the friend knows what his plans are .... it won't go down well if his friend tells him I have contacted him but I don't know what else to do. I hoped he might remember his promise to be here for my birthday, but that was made when things were good, then I hoped he'd be here to see his grandchildren for Easter, but still nothing. If he is here I'd have no way of knowing. When is the time to give up, I don't know.

I hope you can find some peace in your head. I know how difficult it is. I have run myself into the ground this weekend (I have M.E. albeit very mildly now) running around trying not to think about him. It hasn't worked,must just made me feel worse.

Keep strong x

[cc86]

Mimosas,

I truly feel for you too, it must be horrendously hard not knowing where you stand and not having any way of contacting him. I'm not sure whether contacting a friend would necessarily be a wise idea, as I have tried that before with a previous partner (getting a family member to contact her and all it did was cause further resentment). Ultimately it depends how close you are to the friend in question and how much you trust them. I hope you get some sort of response to help put your mind at ease.
With my situation, I lost it a bit and accused my ex of simply casting me to one side and moving on without thought and I had a defensive email back saying there hadn't been anyone else and my paranoia was just another example of why she is right to leave. I have ruined a previous relationship due to trust issues but this time round I have very much learnt to trust even though she has a lot of male colleagues and friends who she will often socialise with. Whilst not always comfortable with it, I have not made a big issue of it, certainly not in recent months.
She ended her email getting very angry and telling me I was now blocked on every form of communication and that if I continued my behaviour, she would take police action as I'm not accepting it.
I obviously must avoid this, so I have sent a text via a different number just apologising and agreeing that I was wrong to pressure her or beg / plead and now I am going to go dark for a few weeks. I just feel that we had so much together, that maybe a couple of weeks of complete no contact may make her miss me, and may give her time to erase the bad feeling about me that she currently has. Any ideas on whether this has worked for people in the past? Truly hurts and I just wish I could turn back time and back down in any arguement etc. Feel I have lost such a major part of my life and a healthy future with her. x

[james80]

You need to stop messaging her. You can't get her to change her mind and at the moment all you are doing is proving to her that she is right to push you away.

I know it's hard but I honestly advise you just leave her alone for a while.

In the meantime read up on deprrssion. Read up on Anhedonia.

The course of action you are on right now is completely counter productive to what you want.

[cc86]

Thanks James,

I know you're right and I fear it's too late and she has made up her mind...will time heal those feelings and bring her back.
With regards to Anhedonia, I had a little read but she was adamant that when she is with friends or doing things she enjoys she is fine, it's just me and work but I know you mentioned before that it is a different kind of pressure as far as depression is concerned.

I will back right off now, but fear the damage is done and she will simply move on and forget about me.