Depressed girlfriend has ended our relationship

[cc86]

Hi there, I hope someone out there can help me and advise me on the best course of action.

Long story short, I have been with my girlfriend for just under a year and although we hit it off very quickly and she mentioned future plans very early on, we have had several severe ups and downs.
My gf lost a very close family member a couple of years ago and although she plays down the impact I still believe she has not properly grieved the loss and will often go from being happy to extremely down. I have always been there for her and she will often reach out for me to reassure her or be with her to visit the grave etc.
In addition to this my gf has a very demanding career where she witnesses some distressing things and works tough shifts and I have noticed a correlation between her general happiness with it mainly being good between shifts and when she is away from her work.
So, in the last couple of weeks my gf has gone from trying to plan holidays with me, spending a lot of time with my son (from a previous relationship) and even just at the weekend was part of my family for an event. During Saturday she rang me several times whilst travelling between work and was fine, seemingly happy and suggesting future things together. I happened to disagree with something which was very trivial and she flew into a rage and said I was being diffcult and hung up on me. I decided to leave things untilt he following day and then tried to gloss over the disagreement but was met with continued hostility and a reluctance to attend the family event we had planned. Eventually she did come along and we were fine as if nothing was wrong, even going back to my house we were talking about the coming week and it was only when I suggested we spend some time together and caught up that night that she became defensive and said she was going to bed. She leapt her distance all night and when I tried to talk and go near her the following morning she fled my home and drove home without even getting dressed.

Since then, she has responded to any of my messages by saying she doesn't see a future with me and that I bring out a horrible side of her, that she wants to be on her own and that I should leaver her be. In the last day she has also blocked me on various forms so I cannot contact her, but have managed to send an email saying I was here for her.

I really don't know what to do, to go from being so deeply into the relationship just a week or so ago and even being part of my family and son's life just a few days ago to seemingly shutting me out and acting like our relationship is the cause of her unhappiness. I also fear that she blames me for her current unhappiness and when she tells friends and family they will form an unfair opinion and try to persuade her.

I am convinced she is suffering from both depression, such is her admitted unhappiness with her career and also still grieving the loss of a close relative. She was given tablets for anxiety a few months back but refuses to take them saying that I am the reason she feels like it. This has happened twice before and each time it is the same cycle of anger, me trying to reason and her pushing away to then being blocked. The previous time I left her be for a few days and she reached out to me but when I suggested she is doing the same she claimed this time it was over and I should move on.

My gf has been a major part of mine and my son;s life so any advice on how I can tackle this current situation would be greatly appreciated. It's so hard watching someone so close to you suffer and make you the reason for their current mindset and equally worrying that she may not come round.

Thanks

[mimosas]

Hello and welcome to the forum, sorry you have to be here. As you've probably already seen, your story is very common, there are a few of us here who are going through or have been through the same, me included.

The only advice I can give is if you think the relationship is worth saving, then hang in there, but the more pressure you put on your g/f the more she is likely to push you away. Only you can decide how long you are prepared to wait. You also need to look after yourself and don't let the situation drag you down too.

Mine was a very brief but intense relationship, long distance, and he decided he couldn't handle the distance, said we were finished then backtracked, said we'd meet up again at some point and wanted to keep in contact, but I've now been blocked and have no way of contacting him. I'm still hopeful he will come back but I have no idea when. I said I would wait.

I'm sure there will be some more advice for you from some of the other posters here.

Big hugs x

[james80]

Hi cc. Such a hard situation to be in, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this and that she obviously is suffering as well.

It certainly doesn't sound like a 'normal' relationship occurance so your instincts abkut depression may well be right. Particularly given what she's been through and the stress of her job etc.

The truth is that there isn't much you can do beyond what you've already done. At least you managed to get the message through that you are willing to support her. The primary thing to do now is to look after yourself. This kind of thing can be mentally and physically draining so your first priority should be your own health and your son. In terms of your girlfriend that's a hard one to advise. Everyone is different and these sorts of things can be so unpredictable. She needs to seek help herself through her gp, or a therapist/Counsellor etc. But that's something she needs to do. You can encourage her to do so (if possible) and you may want to try and contact her (if you can) just to express your support. That's obviously going to be hard if she's blocked you everywhere and be aware that pushing too hard could force her to withdraw from you even further.

I was in a similar situation and unfortunately it looks like while we are communicating a lot better now than 4 months ago, the romantic relationship is over. You should be prepared for that.

If you haven't found it already the depression fallout message board is full of people who have been through similar experiences and may be able to offer some constructive advice.

[cc86]

Thanks guys, it really does help to hear from people who have been in similar positions and is nice to have a group to turn to whilst feeling helpless.

Last night I was exchanging messages with my gf, but in every message she told me I should accept things are over and playing down any happy memories in the relationship saying the bad much outweighed the good. We have had some very hostile moments but they always seem to be surrounding big occasions like Xmas and also coincide with her being midway through tough work patterns. At the start of the relationship my gf was quite clingy despite being a very independent person and in the early days if we had a disagreement I would offer to leave and she would often plead with me not to. She involved me in emotional family matters right from early on and even recently has wanted me there for various situations.
Last night during the exchange of messages she gradually got very angry to the point where she said she had enough, wasn't going to take it anymore and that I should accept it and move on and that my behaviour was worrying (I guess I probably am pushing too much, but it's just hate to leave things even though it's not doing any good).
All this after last week going out of her way to spend time with my family, putting effort into Easter gifts for my son and going out for a meal. Even on Sunday she was talking about plans for this week just gone and was looking forward but the slightest disagreement and she fled.
What do I do now? This happened before in the exact same circumstances just after Xmas and back then as soon as I'd left her be for 5 or 6 days she suddenly emailed asking how I was, then started reaching out for me. I suggested this was history repeating itself this time round and that I was waiting but she said she messed up by trying again.

Do I sit it out, wait and see if she reaches out for me? I am clinging to hope that although she has blocked me on one form of messaging she has kept me on her facebook and our mutual friends and has also not made any demand for me to go and get my stuff from her house.

Again thanks for your support, it really does help

[cc86]

So after probably pushing my gf to come round all week, last night I went to hers to get some of my stuff. Granted it was the wrong decision and she refused to open the door until her Father got there. We chatted for a while where she confirmed it was over and that she just didn't see a future for us. She accepted that she was very drained at present with other pressures but feels fine when she is with friends so it must be me. We hugged and said Goodbye and she looked tearful as I left. I asked her if we could give things time and maybe meet up and she said she wasn't making any promises. During the night I received a text from her saying I had really upset her the past few days and that she hoped I would respect her and leave her be. I apologised and vowed to leave her be but hoped that we could maybe meet once she's had time to think things through.
When I asked how she can go from being so close and happy last week to this she couldn't answer it and said previous clashes meant she just flipped and decided enough.

Are the above signs that it is depression contributing to our breakup, will time and space allow her to miss me and come round? Completely shattered because I think the world of her.

Any support / advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[mimosas]

I can't give you the answer I'm afraid as my situation is almost identical, just wanted to say I know how you feel. My only advice would be step back and give her the space, if you keep pushing she may shut you out totally - that's where I am with it now. Just don't know whether to give up or keep hoping.

Stay strong x

[james80]

These are all things that frequently occur when it's depression. I'd not be surprised if that's what is happening here. . She feels fine around friends but not around you because there is a different weight of expectation between friends and a partner. It doesnt mean you've done anything. None of this means you have done anything wrong.

In terms of leaving her alone and 'will she miss me and come around ' ? It might do. But there are no guarantees. She may move on (unfortunately this seems to happy quite frequently, and has appears to happened in my case). You need to prepare for that. Whilst she is depressed you can't expect her to behave predictably. You need to remember that she is dealing with stuff that just does not leave her with the capacity to deal with a relationship or even to empathise with what you are going through. Throw onto that the fact she may be feeling terribly guilty about all this which just makes seeing you painful for her.

My advice would be to do what she asks. Leave her alone. Take time for yourself. Keep busy, socialise, stay healthy. But read up on depression, try and gain a better understanding of what she is dealing with. Id recommend that you move on for your own sake, although that doesnt mean you need to shut the door on her if you don't want to. Things may change. But you need to stay patient and not become a victim of this too. Also, and I hate to say this, but be aware that these situations don't frequently end up as we, the partner, want. Sometimes they do but depression seems to have a habit of changing people and situations. The most important thing is her health and the relationship may become a casualty of her recovery.

[cc86]

Thanks Mimosa and James,

It's a truly horrible situation so I feel for you and your experiences too...I just keep beating myself up that just a week ago we were out like a normal couple having dinner, making future plans and now she has all but shut me out, and now deleted any mutual friends from social media.
I so badly want to reach out to her but know that having done that all this week it will only cause further trouble.
Even though it's only been under a year that I've been with my gf, it feels different to any other relationship. I think the fact she was incredibly into me at times and wanted to plan ahead made me feel special and we have had some great times together. It feels not like I will never experience them again and can't imagine being able to move on.
My gf says she does not see a future with me and there has been to much drama in a short time, yet just a few weeks back was saying how she loves certain things about me and whenever we are doing something enjoyable she is happier than ever.
My gf is posting things on social media as if she is enjoying a new lease of life, like plotting going away and travels etc. Is this a normal trait if she was depressed (seeing as she refuses to accept she is and blames me for her feeling down). We had a similar break up just after Xmas where she said it was over, then literally 5 days later reached out to me and told me she had missed me. We reconciled and things were perfect for a few weeks until she experienced some stress at work and since then she has been so anxious.
Apologies if I am repeating myself guys, just feel so alone right now and cannot focus on anything, wishing I could just reach out to her and message her but I know space is my only chance, albeit a very slim chance of her changing her mind.

[james80]

Don't worry we've all been at that desperation stage. Reaching out wont help at all. This isnt a normal break up.

All the stories you read are subtley different but one thing seems common- the relationship feels different for the first months. Deeper, more meaningful, more exciting. I have a theory that the partner lnoed they may well have another depressive episode and so Throw a themselves into the relationship. They don't have the guard up like a 'normal'(hate thatbphrase) person. So it feels more loving. More real. I am sure it felt that way to them as Well, they weren't lieing to you. That's what makes it all so tragic.

Some hope for you. I think my ex might be seeing someone else (but I'm.not sure) which doesn't sound too hopeful. But four months on from our break up, and after periods of no contact at all, we are now starting to talk normally. She's been seeking treatment, although still has bad habits (like drinking) that probably won't help her recovery. I can see am improvement in her though. I'm doubtful we can patch it up and I'm moving forward with my life on the assumption we won't, but there has been definite progress. And who knows what will happen in the future. I'm just glad for now she is getting back to a healthy place as I've been very worried about her.

[mimosas]

James I think you are right about them getting into a relationship knowing that an episode is coming .... mine was dreading Christmas ( first one on his own for years, wedding anniversary, ex' s b'day,divorce going through) .... I said we could make this year a good one, he said do you think we could, I'd really like that. ..

Then the pressure is on them maybe thinking they can stave off the depression hitting but the reality of everyday life is still there - he seemed ok before he came over but when he went back he couldn't cope with the distance, I think he wanted a prop 24/7, just messaging wasnt enough, and bang he went down.

I saw a few odd days when he went quiet but he always came out of it and apologised after, which I accepted as him dealing with stuff he didn't want to discuss with me.

Cc it seems you went through a few downs with your gf too before this big one, maybe if she has got through before she can again. Just give it time and space. Mine said that's what he needed, I'm 6 weeks or so down the line now, not going to give up yet. When it was good it was everything I'd ever wished for and i think it can be again.

Stay strong, we are all here for you xx