sane.org.uk : Discussion Board

Hi, I typically don't do social media and forums but I've been struggling a lot lately under the pressure of caring.
I have a husband and children on the autistic spectrum only my husband has borderline personality disorder (has has problems for 25+yrs severe for 9yrs and finally diagnosed a few days ago) and a son who i think has the same.
Christmas is always a stressful time for me as our older kids come home and they have their own challenges and i do everything in our home, and we have younger children who deserve to have a wonderful christmas. So this year after a trying and stressful year i buckled and blew it. I never have time off, even when I try to escape into a book or a hobby i cant. I have a never ending list of responsibilities and demands.
So I called everyone down to the living room in a bid to ask for the older kids to shoulder some of the household duties and to get them all to spend some time together but it went very badly wrong i was told i had impossible expectations, I created an opressive atmosphere, I was demanding and controlling.
As I said I do everything not because I choose to but because they don't do anything. I ask them to wash up and they refuse, I am constantly washing and cleaning as when I ask they refuse. If I demand they refuse and it cause arguments that I don't want around our youngest children. They go running to my in-laws if I say anything and my eldest is viewed as a golden child. I know all this sounds ridiculous to others but it's not just this it's the constant emotional trauma they cause me.
My husbands bpd has been a constant battle, my son who i think has the same is constantly combative, he self medicates and puts himself in situations he has to be retrieved from. The oldest is clever but anti-social to the point of appearing to feel superior to all us lesser mortals who don't have degrees, he to is combative if challenged. All i wanted was to spend some time together as a family as they spend time with friends when they are here, to create happy memories for our younger children the way we did when they where younger, I don't understand why that is to much to ask. Instead I'm a hotel and taxi service with house keeping. I didn't raise them this way.

Can someone please reply to this post of six days ago? I would myself but I'm mentally in no fit state to do it at the moment.

Hi, I am also a newbie to this forum so have been reading through lots of people posts. I am sorry to hear that you are having to deal with so many issues at home. I would like to offer some advise from experience but I do not have any children of my own, I am supporting my partner who had depression and over the xmas/new year period when we were visiting family and had friends staying with us I felt some of the burden of additional jobs to do and the expectations of a having a good xmas. What I have found is that I tend to lower my expectations and face up that my husband will be unable to contribute to jobs and that sadly our xmas together won’t be the same as my childhood ones. I learnt over the past few years to relax a bit more and accept this which does help, though I appreciate it is different when you want a good xmas for your younger children and have older children at home as well.

Sorry I couldn’t be much more of help and I hope you managed to find some time to relax and we are very much in the new year regrouping phase.

Hi
I would like to say that I know where you are coming from. The challenges that we have had with our daughter's mental health conditions mean that we have had to change our expectations about home life and myself and my husband are doing more around the house than we would expect to be doing with an almost adult child in the house. Now my priorities are whether she is likely to self harm and when she is not, I am happy to pick up her clothes and generally do the jobs that she won't do. I can understand your frustration and think that you must try to get some time away from this stressful environment so that you can protect your own mental health. Take care of yourself as well as your family.