Search

Support Forum

SANE Support Forum

My girlfriend has depression

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
dmt1992
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu May 18, 2017 12:26 pm

My girlfriend has depression

Postby dmt1992 » Thu May 18, 2017 1:16 pm

Hii
We have been in relationship for the past 7 months or more. Only after being in relationship with her I realised a lot of things about depression. She had depression for more than 2 years in her late teenage days. It affected her a lot. Her depression was not at all a problem for me. I was totally unaware that this was a really serious issue. She was the one who told me everything about her condition. Then for helping her, even I did my own queries and researches on depression. I really love her a lot. I am totally ready to accept her as she is. I wanna help her come out of this situation. But I don't know how.

Now coming to the reason why I am posting this forum here. Our relationship was not at all a perfect one. We always had fights. But we still came back and make it up for the fight. I am very stubborn. But I always give up my ego after sometime​ because I knew that she had depression. I was 4 years elder to her and so I should be more mature to handle this. But there are some fights that really last for a long time. When everything looks normal one day and the next day, she decides to break up with me. One day we were so much into each other and the next day her mood changes very fast. She tells me things like, she never loved me, she was alone so she was dependent on me, she is taking extra stress because of me, she gets so much irritated when I am always behind her and so on. She goes to the extreme by telling my friends to make me understand that she never loved me and all. But when we are finally back together, she behaves like any other normal girlfriend. She tells me her biggest secrets, she irritate me by calling me when I don't text back, she is ready to make out with me, she never minds me touching her or caressing her and all. We can spend hours just talking something. Such was her love when she is in her good mood. She even helps me make me a better person by giving advices and all. But one day, she suddenly decided to break up with me. She always make up some reason why she is breaking up. I know that those reasons are all fake. I always felt it must be something else. But I am also confused. I have heard that depressed people will push their loved ones. They even try to disappear by ignoring calls, text messages and all. They totally pushes us away. In her case, she does that only when I still try to contact her. What she told in the beginning was that we can talk the next time we meet. But when I still insisted to know what was wrong, she told me that she met someone in fb who is living far away but still she feels comfortable with him and all. Having seen arcticles in depression, I told her that I know she loves me, but she needed space now. I told her that I will give her the space and that I will be always there for her, no matter what. I told her that chatting with this new guy is her way of overcoming her depression and she only told me that she doesn't give a damn what he thinks about her. She also told me that she doesn't mind being g physical with him if they meet. I believe that she is just trying to irritate me by saying those and so I might finally let her go. I still told her that if there is anything that she need, I will be always there for her and that I cannot stop loving her. The next day, she blocked me suddenly even when we didn't even chat that day.

I am confused. Is this because​ of depression that she is pushing me away so much? How long will it last? For our last fight, it lasted for around 5 weeks and then we were back again together. But the happiness only lasted 3 weeks. During that time, she only told me that if she gets in a fight, I should just let it go with the flow and not to worry much about it. She knows that I won't give up on her that easily. Is it because of that, she is giving really strong reasons, why she didn't like me and all? I am so confused because during happy times, I always felt like she loves me much more than I love her. But during these times, I feel like she hates me a lot. I am confused. And I really love her. Should I give her time and space? And like those arcticles say, should I assure her everytime that I will be there for her? Anyway, I think she also knows that I won't give up that easily. But still I need help and advice on how to handle this situation. She is a depressed person. Is this all because of depression?

N.B. during our bad times, sometimes we do talk like just friends even if I love her. During those times, she subconsciously expresses feelings for me in some way even if she denied all those. And it's been more than 3 weeks since she told that we can break up. Even then, on some occasions I felt like she loves me even if she denies all.
Last edited by dmt1992 on Fri May 19, 2017 10:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

rsxo
Posts: 1287
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:12 pm

Re: My girlfriend has depression

Postby rsxo » Thu May 18, 2017 2:55 pm

dmt1992 wrote:Hii
We have been in relationship for the past 7 months or more. Only after being in relationship with her I realised a lot of things about depression. She had depression for more than 2 years in her late teenage days. It affected her a lot. Her depression was not at all a problem for me. I was totally unaware that this was a really serious issue. She was the one who told me everything about her condition. Then for helping her, even I did my own queries and researches on depression. I really love her a lot. I am totally ready to accept her as she is. I wanna help her come out of this situation. But I don't know how.

Now coming to the reason why I am posting this forum here. Our relationship was not at all a perfect one. We always had fights. But we still came back and make it up for the fight. I am very stubborn. But I always give up my ego after sometime​ because I knew that she had depression. I was 4 years elder to her and so I should be more mature to handle this. But there are some fights that really last for a long time. When everything looks normal one day and the next day, she decides to break up with me. One day we were so much into each other and the next day her mood changes very fast. She tells me things like, she never loved me, she was alone so she was dependent on me, she is taking extra stress because of me, she gets so much irritated when I am always behind her and so on. She goes to the extreme by telling my friends to make me understand that she never loved me and all. But when we are finally back together, she behaves like any other normal girlfriend. She tells me her biggest secrets, she irritate me by calling me when I don't text back, she is ready to make out with me, she never minds me touching her or caressing her and all. We can spend hours just talking something. Such was her love when she is in her good mood. She even helps me make me a better person by giving advices and all. But one day, she suddenly decided to break up with me. She always make up some reason why she is breaking up. I know that those reasons are all fake. I always felt it must be something else. But I am also confused. I have heard that depressed people will push their loved ones. They even try to disappear by ignoring calls, text messages and all. They totally pushes us away. In her case, she does that only when I still try to contact her. What she told in the beginning was that we can talk the next time we meet. But when I still insisted to know what was wrong, she told me that she met someone in fb who is living far away but still she feels comfortable with him and all. Having seen arcticles in depression, I told her that I know she loves me, but she needed space now. I told her that I will give her the space and that I will be always there for her, no matter what. I told her that chatting with this new guy is her way of overcoming her depression and she only told me that she doesn't give a damn what he thinks about her. She also told me that she doesn't mind being g physical with him if they meet. I believe that she is just trying to irritate me by saying those and so I might finally let her go. I still told her that if there is anything that she need, I will be always there for her and that I cannot stop loving her. The next day, she blocked me suddenly even when we didn't even chat that day.

I am confused. Is this because​ of depression that she is pushing me away so much? How long will it last? For our last fight, it lasted for around 5 weeks and then we were back again together. But the happiness only lasted 3 weeks. During that time, she only told me that if she gets in a fight, I should just let it go with the flow and not to worry much about it. She knows that I won't give up on her that easily. Is it because of that, she is giving really strong reasons, why she didn't like me and all? I am so confused because during happy times, I always felt like she loves me much more than I love her. But during these times, I feel like she hates me a lot. I am confused. And I really love her. Should I give her time and space? And like those arcticles say, should I assure her everytime that I will be there for her? Anyway, I think she also knows that I won't give up that easily. But still I need help and advice on how to handle this situation. She is a depressed person. Is this all because of depression?

N.B. during our bad times, sometimes we do talk like just friends even if I love her. During those times, she subconsciously expresses feelings for me in some way even if she denied all those. And it's been more than 3 weeks since she told that we can break up. Even then, on some occasions I felt like she loves me even if she denies all.


Hi dmt1992,

You've been brave for sharing your experience, so well done!

Depression, like many mental health conditions, is a relationship breaker. When one experiences depression, they feel lost in their own negative perception of reality, and fail to find any exit sign that they can go for. Thus, it becomes very difficult to break out of.

The vibe I'm getting here is that a very common one. The break up, the telling friends to convince you, the meeting someone on FB, the blocking - it all points to a behaviour very common with depression - that is, she pushes you away because she needs space to escape her perception of reality, she doesn't feel she's good enough for you, and she doesn't want to drag you down with her. By finding several ways to separate from you, she is afraid that she will break you down and ruin your life due to her selfishness.

The reason she denies loving you or ever liking you is because she wants you to leave her. The idea being, if she can convince you that she never liked you, then it will be easier for you to leave, and thus you won't get hurt or broken by her actions.

The fact that you've stuck by her time and again says to me that you're incredibly loyal and resilient. You're prepared to weather the storm if it means being there for your girlfriend. I'd hope that there are more people like you for mental health patients, because it's so much easier to look the other way and walk out.

I'd suggest getting her a referral from a GP, so that she can get medication and therapy or psychiatrist appointment. She is by no means a lost cause, so keep fighting - for you, for her, for your relationship!

Much love <3
RSxo <3

dmt1992
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu May 18, 2017 12:26 pm

Re: My girlfriend has depression

Postby dmt1992 » Thu May 18, 2017 8:53 pm

Thank you rsxo. It means a lot!

At present, we are in that bad mood time. So, I can only convince her of making an appointment with a psychologist when she is in a good mood. If not in relationship mood, then atleast as a good friend. Even if she blocked me in fb and WhatsApp, she didn't block SMS. It's because she doesn't know how to. Glad that I didn't teach her that. I am confused whether I should give her space and let her be on her own for a while or for as long as her bad mood passes away. By giving space, I meant not calling or texting her at all. Should I give her that time? Or should I assure her everyday, like how I have been doing till now, that I love her and that i will be there for her, by a simple SMS once a day?
We are students and we have holidays now. Both of us are at our home now. We will only see each other after our class starts next week. So she won't be seeing me for a while. What will be good for her? Giving her space completely or as simple thing like an SMS a day, to make her understand that I am always thinking about her? It's really painful for me to be like this (i.e. completely avoiding her). But she must be going through worse than me, ryt? I am ready to do anything for her. I am okay with getting hurt like this. Atleast I can be happy that it's for her.
Depression is really painful. I hope I will have the strength to be there for her even in worse times than this!

dmt1992
Last edited by dmt1992 on Sat May 20, 2017 3:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

rsxo
Posts: 1287
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:12 pm

Re: My girlfriend has depression

Postby rsxo » Fri May 19, 2017 4:27 pm

dmt1992 wrote:Thank you rsxo. It means a lot!

At present, we are in that bad mood time. So, I can only convince her of making an appointment with a psychologist when she is in a good mood. If not in relationship mood, then atleast as a good friend. Even if she blocked me in fb and WhatsApp, she didn't block SMS. It's because she doesn't know how to. Glad that I didn't teach her that. I am confused whether I should give her space and let her be on her own for a while or for as long as her bad mood passes away. By giving space, I meant not calling or texting her at all. Should I give her that time? Or should I assure her everyday, like how I have been doing till now, that I love her and that i will be there for her, by a simple SMS once a day?
We are students and we have holidays now. Both of us are at our home now. We will only see each other after our class starts next week. So she won't be seeing me for a while. What will be good for her? Giving her space completely or as simple thing like an SMS a day, to make her understand that I am always thinking about her? It's really painful for me to be like this (i.e. completely avoiding her). But she must be going through worse than me, ryt? I am ready to do anything for her. I am okay with getting hurt like this. Atleast I can be happy that it's for her.
Depression is really painful. I hope I will have the strength to be there for her even in worse times than this!

dmt1992


Hi dmt1992,

I would continue the occasional text so that she knows she can contact you. If you stop it completely, she might never get back to you.

Give her the space she needs though - I know it's tough, but depression is primarily a personal battle so I think it's best to give her the space to sort herself out.

Stay strong - you'll both make it through this!

Much love <3
RSxo <3

dmt1992
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu May 18, 2017 12:26 pm

Re: My girlfriend has depression

Postby dmt1992 » Sat May 20, 2017 11:57 am

Heyyy rsxo

Yeah. It's gonna be very difficult to maintain ignoring stance from my side. But that is better for her, right?
Or should I text her occassionally?

Warmest

india
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 9:13 am

Re: My girlfriend has depression

Postby india » Sun May 21, 2017 12:55 am

Hi my situstion is almost identical to yours, I've been with my boyfriend for nearly six years we have two little boys and even been engaged and also he asked me again a year ago. We've been going through this for the whole time we've been together but he is actually in denial that he is depressed but when under the influence of alcohol he tells me he is depressed and thinks about ending his life almost everyday but it's his sons that stop him from doing this. There is a pattern with him he will get really low and then one thing that wasn't a big deal will make him walk out our lives or he will do something purposely that will split us up and he'll blame me for everything insult me and so on he's even told me he doesn't love me etc, then a few weeks will pass and then he comes back telling me how much he loves me and and we are everything to him, hes full of affection and so on but then 6-8 months later sometimes less we're back to square one again. When we're together we don't argue he treats me to holidays city breaks for birthdays and valentines day we go out for meals etc. It'll firstly start off wirh him not speaking he stops all affection no more telling me he loves me he gets angrier goes away to his bed really early. At the moment he has been away from us for nearly 5 weeks but still comes to see our sons doesn't speak to me and doesn't make eye contact but will text me asking me things nothing to do with us or what he's doing though, just now he's putting on a front acting like he's happy that he's not in a relationship or living with us which he usually does and puts everything into his work and training to keep him busy then the angry stage with the nasty texts etc will come then him wanting back. The thing is there are mental health issues in his family such as schizophrenia and also depression, but he will not go to the doctors he did go once but didn't open up and tell the doctor everything so the doctor thought it was just day to day stresses that everyone goes through. Even though he blames me I know it's not down to me because he was like this before I met him and thought he had manic depression but yet he'll still put all the blame on me etc and be in denial about everything he'll also lie and keep things from me and even accuse me of things that's never happened. Right now I'm at a point whether I walk away for good or hang on to see if he'll actually get help the hard thing is that I love him so much and we have two little boys, right now I don't contact him unless it's about our boys I'm hoping the space will give him time to think but then again there's also a chance that he won't get help and then move onto someone else. It's such a hard thing to go through especially when kids are involved but how can he help us if he wont help himself.......

Isap
Posts: 1843
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: My girlfriend has depression

Postby Isap » Sun May 21, 2017 8:01 am

Hi there

Your situation is more common than you think.

The general consensus is that you let the depressed partner go her way but send the occasional text to ask how she is, and tell her you are always there if she needs you.

In most cases the depressed person believes her partner would be better off without her but doesn't actually say that, instead, looks for other reasons.

Be patient and give it time.

Isap

rsxo
Posts: 1287
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:12 pm

Re: My girlfriend has depression

Postby rsxo » Sun May 21, 2017 9:40 pm

dmt1992 wrote:Heyyy rsxo

Yeah. It's gonna be very difficult to maintain ignoring stance from my side. But that is better for her, right?
Or should I text her occassionally?

Warmest


I'd text her occasionally to keep the contact avenue open, otherwise she may never text you back
:(
RSxo <3

dmt1992
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu May 18, 2017 12:26 pm

Re: My girlfriend has depression

Postby dmt1992 » Sun May 21, 2017 11:47 pm

Heyyy,
Something else happened between us yesterday.
I managed to chat with her in Insta. She told me that she met with an accident and she lost her recent memories it seems. She doesn't remember me or being in relationship with me. I was frustrated. Bit I was already dealing with her depression and this news really made me.upset. I tried telling her all the things we did and how we were and all. She doesn't seem to understand it and she got irritated. I tried contacting her brother to know if this news is true. But he doesn't seem to have any idea of it. She later justified this by saying that her brother knows the truth, but she doesn't know why he lied. But now she might have told her brother to play along. He doesn't know about our relationship and all.

According to her, all these happened in the time when she blocked me and we were in fight. She is a very intelligent person. This might be her plan to push me further away. All this drama. I asked one of our mutual friend to chat with her. It seems she doesn't remember her also. This made me really sad. What if, it is indeed true. Then I lost her forever. But later when I thought, it might be her plan to trick that mutual friend too. She is a champion in chess. She can masterplan big schemes and all.

I am now more confused. All these really happened or just her drama to push me away further. In her last time fight, she went to the extend of asking my friends to help her get rid of me by telling them to advise me to look for another girl.

Will a depressed person can go to this extent to push me away? We will only meet each other this Friday when our class starts. Till then, I won't know anything. She also told me that she will regain her memories slowly. But I don't know anything about that.

Yours sincerely
dmt1992

rsxo
Posts: 1287
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:12 pm

Re: My girlfriend has depression

Postby rsxo » Tue May 23, 2017 5:04 pm

dmt1992 wrote:Heyyy,
Something else happened between us yesterday.
I managed to chat with her in Insta. She told me that she met with an accident and she lost her recent memories it seems. She doesn't remember me or being in relationship with me. I was frustrated. Bit I was already dealing with her depression and this news really made me.upset. I tried telling her all the things we did and how we were and all. She doesn't seem to understand it and she got irritated. I tried contacting her brother to know if this news is true. But he doesn't seem to have any idea of it. She later justified this by saying that her brother knows the truth, but she doesn't know why he lied. But now she might have told her brother to play along. He doesn't know about our relationship and all.

According to her, all these happened in the time when she blocked me and we were in fight. She is a very intelligent person. This might be her plan to push me further away. All this drama. I asked one of our mutual friend to chat with her. It seems she doesn't remember her also. This made me really sad. What if, it is indeed true. Then I lost her forever. But later when I thought, it might be her plan to trick that mutual friend too. She is a champion in chess. She can masterplan big schemes and all.

I am now more confused. All these really happened or just her drama to push me away further. In her last time fight, she went to the extend of asking my friends to help her get rid of me by telling them to advise me to look for another girl.

Will a depressed person can go to this extent to push me away? We will only meet each other this Friday when our class starts. Till then, I won't know anything. She also told me that she will regain her memories slowly. But I don't know anything about that.

Yours sincerely
dmt1992


Hi dmt1992,

It would seem strange that her friends don't know about her accident - that certainly doesn't seem right...

The reality is, people will go to whatever lengths they have to in order to get what they want. If she remembered that you have a class together but not that you were together, then that would also seem fishy.

Hope things go okay on Friday <3
RSxo <3


Return to “Family, Friends and Carers”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 13 guests