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Boyfriend in denial about his depression

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
india
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 9:13 am

Boyfriend in denial about his depression

Postby india » Tue May 16, 2017 11:02 am

Hi I've been with my boyfriend for nearly six years we have two little boys and even been engaged and also he asked me again a year ago. We've been going through this for the whole time we've been together. He's cheated he's secretly messaged girls and a lot of other things and yet blames me but he is actually in denial that he is depressed but when under the influence of alcohol he tells me he is depressed and thinks about ending his life almost everyday but it's his sons that stop him from doing this. There is a pattern with him he will get really low and then one thing that wasn't a big deal will make him walk out our lives or he will do something purposely that will split us up and he'll blame me for everything insult me and so on he's even told me he doesn't love me etc, then a few weeks will pass and then he comes back telling me how much he loves me and and we are everything to him, hes full of affection and so on but then 6-8 months later sometimes less we're back to square one again. When we're together we don't argue he treats me to holidays city breaks for birthdays and valentines day we go out for meals etc. It'll firstly start off wirh him not speaking he stops all affection no more telling me he loves me he gets angrier goes away to his bed really early. At the moment he has been away from us for nearly 5 weeks but still comes to see our sons doesn't speak to me and doesn't make eye contact but will text me asking me things nothing to do with us or what he's doing though, just now he's putting on a front acting like he's happy that he's not in a relationship or living with us which he usually does and puts everything into his work and training to keep him busy then the angry stage with the nasty texts etc will come then him wanting back. The thing is there are mental health issues in his family such as schizophrenia and also depression, but he will not go to the doctors he did go once but didn't open up and tell the doctor everything so the doctor thought it was just day to day stresses that everyone goes through. Even though he blames me I know it's not down to me because he was like this before I met him and thought he had manic depression but yet he'll still put all the blame on me etc and be in denial about everything he'll also lie and keep things from me and even accuse me of things that's never happened. Right now I'm at a point whether I walk away for good or hang on to see if he'll actually get help the hard thing is that I love him so much and we have two little boys, right now I don't contact him unless it's about our boys I'm hoping the space will give him time to think but then again there's also a chance that he won't get help and then move onto someone else. It's such a hard thing to go through especially when kids are involved but how can he help us if he wont help himself.......

Isap
Posts: 1843
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Boyfriend in denial about his depression

Postby Isap » Tue May 16, 2017 11:33 am

Hi there

Sorry to hear of your problems. His behavior sounds very bipolar.

I domt know what to advise right nowbut someone else will.

Take care

Isap x

india
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 9:13 am

Re: Boyfriend in denial about his depression

Postby india » Tue May 16, 2017 12:06 pm

Thank you Isap and I hope so x

rsxo
Posts: 1077
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:12 pm

Re: Boyfriend in denial about his depression

Postby rsxo » Tue May 16, 2017 5:15 pm

india wrote:Hi I've been with my boyfriend for nearly six years we have two little boys and even been engaged and also he asked me again a year ago. We've been going through this for the whole time we've been together. He's cheated he's secretly messaged girls and a lot of other things and yet blames me but he is actually in denial that he is depressed but when under the influence of alcohol he tells me he is depressed and thinks about ending his life almost everyday but it's his sons that stop him from doing this. There is a pattern with him he will get really low and then one thing that wasn't a big deal will make him walk out our lives or he will do something purposely that will split us up and he'll blame me for everything insult me and so on he's even told me he doesn't love me etc, then a few weeks will pass and then he comes back telling me how much he loves me and and we are everything to him, hes full of affection and so on but then 6-8 months later sometimes less we're back to square one again. When we're together we don't argue he treats me to holidays city breaks for birthdays and valentines day we go out for meals etc. It'll firstly start off wirh him not speaking he stops all affection no more telling me he loves me he gets angrier goes away to his bed really early. At the moment he has been away from us for nearly 5 weeks but still comes to see our sons doesn't speak to me and doesn't make eye contact but will text me asking me things nothing to do with us or what he's doing though, just now he's putting on a front acting like he's happy that he's not in a relationship or living with us which he usually does and puts everything into his work and training to keep him busy then the angry stage with the nasty texts etc will come then him wanting back. The thing is there are mental health issues in his family such as schizophrenia and also depression, but he will not go to the doctors he did go once but didn't open up and tell the doctor everything so the doctor thought it was just day to day stresses that everyone goes through. Even though he blames me I know it's not down to me because he was like this before I met him and thought he had manic depression but yet he'll still put all the blame on me etc and be in denial about everything he'll also lie and keep things from me and even accuse me of things that's never happened. Right now I'm at a point whether I walk away for good or hang on to see if he'll actually get help the hard thing is that I love him so much and we have two little boys, right now I don't contact him unless it's about our boys I'm hoping the space will give him time to think but then again there's also a chance that he won't get help and then move onto someone else. It's such a hard thing to go through especially when kids are involved but how can he help us if he wont help himself.......


Hi india,

You've been awfully brave in sharing your experience, so well done!

It appears that you have experienced a lot of frustration and pain because of this. I don't want to sound rude, but I think he's making you out to be a fool. He continues to leave you, pretend to love you and come back, which says to me that he feels comfortable leaving you knowing that he can walk back to you any time he wants.

It's interesting you note the history of schizophrenia, because such denial may suggest a delusion of grandeur - he thinks that there is no way that there is any problem with himself, he states that he lives for his children but walks away from that responsibility because he values himself higher, and he thinks that he can walk back into your life whenever he wants. He does need help, but unfortunately he won't realise this while this delusion occurs.

The fact that you've put up with all this for so long shows how resilient you are. However, you cannot keep taking blows in the false hope that things will change as they are. I would suggest you give him an ultimatum - either he agrees to get help, or you walk out of his life once and for all with the kids. If he accepts, then fingers crossed it works. If not, then you walk away, and don't let him back in. Placing such stress and burden on you clearly isn't helping the situation.

I hope things turn out well for you, which ever way they go. Hopefully, he comes to his senses.

Much love <3
RSxo <3

india
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 9:13 am

Re: Boyfriend in denial about his depression

Postby india » Tue May 16, 2017 6:28 pm

Hi india,

You've been awfully brave in sharing your experience, so well done!

It appears that you have experienced a lot of frustration and pain because of this. I don't want to sound rude, but I think he's making you out to be a fool. He continues to leave you, pretend to love you and come back, which says to me that he feels comfortable leaving you knowing that he can walk back to you any time he wants.

It's interesting you note the history of schizophrenia, because such denial may suggest a delusion of grandeur - he thinks that there is no way that there is any problem with himself, he states that he lives for his children but walks away from that responsibility because he values himself higher, and he thinks that he can walk back into your life whenever he wants. He does need help, but unfortunately he won't realise this while this delusion occurs.

The fact that you've put up with all this for so long shows how resilient you are. However, you cannot keep taking blows in the false hope that things will change as they are. I would suggest you give him an ultimatum - either he agrees to get help, or you walk out of his life once and for all with the kids. If he accepts, then fingers crossed it works. If not, then you walk away, and don't let him back in. Placing such stress and burden on you clearly isn't helping the situation.

I hope things turn out well for you, which ever way they go. Hopefully, he comes to his senses.

Much love <3
Hi unfortunately I think he's sunk so deep into depression that I don't think an ultimatum is the way to go as he is just empty no emotions at all just doesn't care he is basically emotional flatlining (anhedonia) and he thinks I can do better than him anyway. I think this would just make matters worse but he has been suffering with this long before I met him and I think it has just gradually gotten worse by time. Another person on here mentioned bipolar too and I have researched this I know he has a lot of these symptoms too but doesn't seem to have the high hyper symptoms to this illness but saying that I'm not sure if everyone diagnosed with bipolar all get this symptom or not. I wish I could just drag him to the doctors and make him open up but unfortunately I can't. It's just so hard to watch someone I love so much throw everything away because of this illness. I think until something drastically happens then that will be when he'll get help.

Xx


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