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Fiancé pushing me away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
witsend
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:57 am

Fiancé pushing me away

Postby witsend » Sat Jan 16, 2016 2:14 am

My first post so please bare with me...
I have been with my partner for almost 3 years and we got engaged last year. Up until 3 weeks ago we have been so happy and get on ridiculously well. Then all of a sudden, bam! As if he has just flicked a switch, he has became distant and withdrawn. Not only to myself but to friends and family who have questioned him about it and offered support. He has never presented as having a mental health issue before and according to him I am talking complete and utter nonsense at even suggesting such a thing like he's depressed! He is still functioning well and isn't affecting his work or hobbies...only his relationships. There is absolutely no intimacy (not only lack of sex, but he tells me hugging me feels forced). This has never been an issue before. He also told me 'he feels nothing for me' but also says he has built a wall up and doesn't feel anything in general. I have sat him down and put all cards on the table saying if he wants to break up then I will leave, or if it's the wedding that's causing the problem then we can call it off but he doesn't really respond.

2 days ago, I couldn't take it anymore and walked out and I'm now currently living back at my parent's. When he discovered I was moving out (temporarily I hope) this did evoke emotion (at last!) he sent a tirade of texts full flog apologies and remorse and telling me how much he loves me and he prays he can fix this...I felt a glimmer
Of hope but when I met up with him, he was the same distant person who still can't confidently commit to our wedding or relationship.

As he has no history of mental illness and he is adamant that he is not depressed, I am unsure if It genuinely is me that has caused this reaction (even though we were in a fantastic place 3 weeks ago). He won't speak to a GP or seek counselling as in his eyes 'there is nothing wrong.' I love him so much and hope and pray we can sort this. It felt like I was living with a complete stranger these past few weeks. I would literally be hysterically sobbing in front of him and he wouldn't even comfort/hug me.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Do I just ride out the storm in the hope that he'll suddenly realise we were amazing together? He says he doesn't want to break up, but none of his actions reflect this.

christabel
Posts: 2110
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2014 4:49 am

Re: Fiancé pushing me away

Postby christabel » Sat Jan 16, 2016 2:54 pm

Hi there

Felt I needed to reply but not feeling too good myself I hope this comes over ok.

I have experienced something similar. If your partner is having MH issues and is in denial it certainly won't be easy carrying on the relationship and/or marriage without it being sorted. If they won't get the help now they very likely won't after you are married. Some people are very stubborn or frightened of admitting the illness.

I am not saying that having a relationship with someone who suffers is all wrong. I Adore my hubby and he likewise. But it isn't easy for both of us at times.

All I would advise is that you take your time. See how things go in the next few months. It is down to your partner, if they don't sort out whatever the problem is with themselves there's nothing much else you can do. You can't make someone take medication or get therapy if they need it. Hope things improve for you both.

Take care x

deb1960
Posts: 1840
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Fiancé pushing me away

Postby deb1960 » Sat Jan 16, 2016 10:54 pm

I think as Christabel says you can't force your fiance to get help. It does seem that he has some sort of mental health problem. This complete change around must feel awful. I wouldn't consider marrying him until this situation is sorted out.

Best of luck to you, Deb

anon8
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2016 1:40 pm

Re: Fiancé pushing me away

Postby anon8 » Sat Jan 23, 2016 10:27 am

I have joined this forum because I am in the same boat. I absolutely love my boyfriend to bits and would do anything for him but the way he is lately is driving me mad. He has admitted to me he has depression but refuses to go to the doctors. He thinks it's pointless taking to anyone about it and won't take medication. But he won't even open up to me either. He used to, he used to tell me how he felt and he used to communicate with me about everything. The last 2 months has been so hard it's really affecting me and I'm finding it hard to cope with as well. Like you said, you can be sobbing and crying to him about his behaviour change, about how distant he is and he won't even look at me or attempt to hug me or reassure me and it absolutely breaks my heart. I want to help him and I want to fix it but I don't know how and I feel hopeless and useless and I feel stressed and anxious all the time because of it. I feel like I'm holding it together every day, I presume he feels the same, I don't know. The way he talks to me has changed, the way he texts me has changed. He's short and snappy and I feel like I can't ask him a question without him jumping down my neck and having a go at me. He said he's irritable because of the depression. I don't know if really it's me that's the problem. I actually convinced myself a while ago he didn't love me anymore and was seeing someone else because he was being so hot and cold with me. I love him so much and I just feel so lost.

So I understand what you're going through. I'm just trying to ride it out and hope it will get better.

witsend
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:57 am

Re: Fiancé pushing me away

Postby witsend » Sun Jan 24, 2016 10:35 am

Hi Anon8

It sounds like we are in the exact same situation so it's good to know I'm not alone. Since I moved out (temporarily) over a week ago now, I thought we were making some progress as he has been texting me loads with the occasional phonecall. However, I arranged to see him last night for 'pizza and a film' in the house and he was as cold and distant as ever. People tell me that "he'll just come out it in his own time," but how long will that take?! I don't know if I can cope with this long term. I still can't get my head around that only a month ago we were excitedly planning a wedding and talking about kids and now we're not even living in the same house and he can't even bear to hug me/speak to me. I am completely heart broken but my love for him is keeping me going (plus I am genuinely concerned for him). He tells me he has 'switched off' and that he is only focusing on the 'here and now and not the future.' I was quite blunt with him last night and tried to paint a picture as to what his life might be like if he drives me away. But he seems so blinkered right now.

I hope things for you get better too anon8. Hopefully we can help each other through this x

loui
Posts: 11
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2016 5:37 am

Re: Fiancé pushing me away

Postby loui » Thu Jul 28, 2016 5:51 am

Hi everyone.
Wow, I've been exactly through the same things with my partner. One week he was saying he loved me and the next one he broke up with me. He was diagnosed with depression a year and a half ago. He's taking Lamictal, which has had horrible side effects: he forgets everything. He gets lost when driving, he forgets full conversations, he forgets important occasions, he forgets several days in a row completely. And finally, three months ago he forgot he loved me and has been having sex with other women constantly.

I am heartbroken beyond words. Depression is really a horrible, horrible illness. The worst thing is that you never know if the person you loved will ever come back. My partner was a great, funny, intelligent man. Now he is a confused, cruel, self-centered and forget-it-all man that I can barely recognize. I tried to help him, I tried with all my heart, but he pushed me away and cheated repeatedly. And every time I came closer, to say I was there for him, he found a new way to break my heart again.

Not all cases of depression are like this, of course. But my experience has been a constant, very painful rollercoaster. And the only way possible, for me, was the way out. It was against my will, but he pushed me away so hard and hurt me so much, that he made ir impossible for me to stay. And now I am so, so sad.

I hope that in these six months, since you last posted, things sorted out well for all of you.

Blessings!


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