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Depressed boyfriend asked for time and space

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lostandheartbroken
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2015 4:52 pm

Depressed boyfriend asked for time and space

Postby lostandheartbroken » Wed Sep 30, 2015 6:45 pm

Hey everyone,
I need some help and support for my current relationship situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. I am 21 and he is 24. I know we are still young but I know he is the one. About 5 months ago in April, he became distant. He ended up breaking up with me saying he had feelings for someone else at work. The next night, he contacted me saying he felt as if he was making the biggest mistake of his life and that he was sorry and didn't mean all of the things he said. We then got back together. It took a little while to get back into the swing of things because trust had to be regained. A few weeks later he told me he felt depressed and he went back on medication that he had been on before he met me. He progressed really well and wasn't down at all until now. The past 5 months have been absolutely great. I stayed at his place pretty well every night. We were happy. We'd take turns driving each other to and from work, and we would spend pretty well all of our time together. We would laugh together all the time. About a month ago we started at University together. We even signed up for a couple of the same classes. We would sleep in the same bed, wake up together, go to school together, and then go home and be together. His landlords recently stated that they would only like him and his roommate living at their apartment. They told me I was still welcome to come over to hang out and sleepover, but I just couldn't be there all the time. It was something we didn't see coming. I had offered to pay rent money but they said the place was just too small for three people. It upset me because not being together so much like we had when living together almost felt like taking a step back in our relationship. My boyfriend assured me that everything would be fine. He said he wasn't going anywhere and it wouldn't be like we were breaking up. In light of that situation my boyfriend and I decided to look for our own place to live together. Everyday last week we would look at different buildings, and check local ads together. We were excited and happy. Come Saturday, he told me he had called in to work to say he was not coming in. He lied and told them a pipe burst, when really he stayed in bed in the dark all day. He asked me to drive him to work on Sunday morning so of course I said yes. I got there around 20 minutes before we had to leave so I crawled in bed beside him and drifted into a half sleep. He even put his arm around me and pulled me close. I drove him to work, he kissed me goodbye and we said I love you to each other. That afternoon he texted me asking if I would be mad if he quit his job. He has savings so he would be fine to not work for a while. I called him and said I support him with whatever he decides to do. I picked him up from work that night and he said he didn't end up quitting. We got home that night and I asked him if he still wanted to move out with me and he said he wasn't sure. I started to cry. He then told me he just needs some time and space right now and that he was overwhelmed and just had a lot to figure out. He didn't want to keep dragging me along because it wouldn't be fair to him or I.

I need to know if this is just a low depressive period. I need to know that when he comes out of his low that he will realize he still loves me. I just don't understand. Last week we were planning on moving out together asap. Then all of a sudden, he needs space to figure things out. To make matters worse, he is saying that he doesn't have depression and that he feels fine. It's so strange how much in denial he is. He used to admit all the time that he has depression and he still takes fluoxetine for it. He continues to say he's not happy and he doesn't want to drag me along. Does he feel as if he's being burden to me? I have depression myself so I know how this is. He says that some days he loves me to death, and then others he feels no emotion. This only leads me to believe more and more that this is just a depressive period. I respect his need for space. Maybe it was all just too much for him and he needs to figure out everything. I can fully understand that. He said he doesn't want to have a "getting back together" conversation right now, maybe down the road. I know I need to be strong for me and for him. He said i'm his best friend and he doesn't want me out of his life and still wants to hang out. I just don't know if I can just be his friend. It tears me apart to think of him with someone else and have me as just a friend. I want to be with him. He's done this before and came back, I'm just hoping he can do the same this time around.

Please give me hope. I need to know he will come back. I saw my entire future with him. I'm so incredibly lost and heartbroken. I want to give him space but I don't want to give too much that he thinks he'll be better off alone. And he's not just being distant and in denial with me. He even says he's fine to his friends and family. Please help me.

jellie
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2015 11:11 am

Re: Depressed boyfriend asked for time and space

Postby jellie » Thu Oct 01, 2015 6:06 am

This sounds tough :( very similar to my situation so I can only tell you what I am doing as I am new to this.

We have been together for 18 months. Both mid 30's and have an amazing relationship which includes his relationship with my 13yr old. He has always been up and down album it turns out he hides the down days when he isn't wih me and I just don't hear much from him for a day or two which has caused arguments.

3 weeks ago he said he wanted to move in, try for a baby and save for our own place to buy together. I honestly couldn't have been happier. For the last 2 weeks he has been distance, cold and now telling me he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. Said he isn't a nice person, he will hurt me and needs some space! When he sees me upset he holds me, tells me he loves me and that he doesn't know why he is like this but he is depressed

It's breaking my heart. I just want to bring him back, to life and to me.

The only thing I can do at the moment is reassure him that I am here for him, I love him and I will support him. I am looking for reassurance all the time and that is needy so I have to be careful not to push him away. He is going to his mums tonight so I probably won't hear from him now which will be hard

I would be there for him and hopefully that will make you stronger - that's what I am doing :) xx

lucym
Posts: 36
Joined: Sun Jun 04, 2017 5:25 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend asked for time and space

Postby lucym » Mon Nov 06, 2017 12:51 pm

Hi lostandheartbroken and jellie,

If you're guy really has depression, he will need to seek help for himself. There is a really good chance that he's saying he's fine because it's frightening to admit and most people don't want to be judged as it carries a heavy (and unfair) stigma.

All you can do is let him know you're here for him and that it's ok for him to open up to you. Having said that, you need to live your own life too. My partner has severe depression and if I only did things for him and worried about him constantly I would be in just as bad a state as him- and that would be two lives down the shitter. That's not me being harsh, (cos I do a lot for him as we live together) but everybody needs their 'me' time - depressed and not depressed alike. So think about yourself too- what do YOU want?

I can imagine that after being so involved with each other you must feel like your arm has been cut off. Which is of course only natural, but it will get better whatever happens. Please look after yourself, your feelings matter too. Although he may not want to hurt you, he may even feel that he's had to break up with you because of low self worth (which is very common) - you still need to take care of yourself. If you can, recognise that you a- cannot fix him, b- you must detach from his 'energy' for your own sake, c- try to do things for yourself like see friends, go to work etc and d- this is really important, you need boundaries. If this ends up being a cycle of behaviour where every time something goes wrong he needs to break up with you or retreat somewhere, then you need to be strong and say when enough is enough - that would help him recognise he needs help. I hope that makes sense?

Hope you're both feeling stronger, much sympathy x


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