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Help: Catch 22 - My partner is now depressed because of his mother's depression

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maddie21
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Aug 15, 2015 2:30 pm

Help: Catch 22 - My partner is now depressed because of his mother's depression

Postby maddie21 » Sat Aug 15, 2015 2:59 pm

I don't know if this is the right place to put something like this, but I have a hundred and one questions and I'm hoping someone can help. Sorry about the hugely long post.

Basically, I am the partner of a man whose mother has depression. She has been cheated on by her husband, and was left by him early 2015. She has been on anti-depressants since three years ago. She was very dependent on him and didn't even have her own bank account and he paid for absolutely everything for the whole time that they have been married (30 years).

When he left and his siblings went off to uni and a year away, my partner decided that we had to move away from where we were living and go and assist her with 'picking herself back up' and so we packed up and left. I managed to sort a new job, and so did he, and we are trying to sort a life out for ourselves down here but it has been difficult.

Even more so as we have been 300 miles away from what I would consider 'home' to us living with her for 5 months now and the only thing that has changed since the move is that my partner is now desperately, desperately unhappy.

So far, she needs to sort out housing as she is still living in her marital home but has signed an agreement stating she is going to move out - only, she hasn't worked in 15 years and doesn't intend to start now as she doesn't feel ready. Therefore we said that she needs to sort some sort of income, as we are only 21 and on our wages we just cannot afford to look after ourselves and her and her husband won't give her anything until the divorce goes through (which she will not sign or complete). Especially with the house prices down here being so much more expensive than we have been used to for the past 3 years. We are really worried.

She's been intending to go and talk about receiving some sort of benefit and getting the house sorted through the council since 5 months ago and so far has not taken one step. We have attempted to sort some things out: I have been taking her to citizens advice, support groups, doctors trips, solicitors, the council offices for months. Nothing moves forward and she never takes any of the steps they say that she needs to. I personally don't understand how it works and every time I suggest anything I get told that I'm trying to 'make her feel stupid.' So they can't help us and now it's getting too late. We have tried speaking to her, tried shouting at her, tried telling her truly how upset we feel about it, tried asking relatives to come and speak to her, and we get met with one response: 'Do not push me, you are making things worse.'

At this point - two weeks before we are legally required to move out - there is nothing we can do. She has dug her heels in and is refusing to move because she doesn't feel ready. Every house we look at that will fit us all in (private rent) she refuses because it's 'not the perfect location' or 'doesn't have the right feel to it' or 'i just can't live there'. The ones she does choose are so far out of our budget (by about £550 a month) that we would kill ourselves working every day to still be in debt with her not contributing to it. Then she argues that she WILL be contributing - but every time we point her in the direction of jobs or training or anything she says she isn't ready and every time we say that she needs to sort benefit out she shouts, screams, slams doors and won't speak to us for days saying that we don't understand. Her husband has the law on his side and will just send someone to forcibly remove us.

Therefore, me and my partner went to look at renting a house on our own - knowing that we will be effectively homeless as we have no other family or friends down here that can help us, but every time we talk about moving away without her she threatens us with taking all of her pain medication at once. So we feel very, very trapped and full of panic and frustration.

Because of all of this my partner is desperately unhappy. He hates his job, he has given up on trying to sort everything. He sleeps in until he goes to work and then he goes right to bed when he finishes. He's stopped taking part in his hobbies and he's very short/aggressive with anyone and everyone - and I seem to be getting the worst of it. He is struggling with intense anxiety and also feels like he's a failure and not worth anything and he also says that I should leave him because he will never have a normal family or be a normal person. I will stand by him through anything but its very hard to watch and not feel frustrated at his mother (and his dad) for this whole situation, especially as five months ago we were happily living by ourselves with great jobs, a close network of friends and lots of family support from my side. In the 7 years we have been together (I know - we were really young but it's worked!) he has never ever been like this. I have never seen this side of him.

I have tried to speak to his mother about this but she just doesn't see it and blames his dad (her husband) for everything and won't accept any blame.

I'm just wondering - can an outside pair of eyes offer any insight? What am I doing wrong? How do I help them both? Is there a way out that doesn't involve sleeping on the streets until she feels 'ready'? I just don't know. We are only 21 and this is not how we planned it working out.

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