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High Functioning BP2 = advice needed

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New&Confused
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Sep 01, 2014 4:57 pm

High Functioning BP2 = advice needed

Postby New&Confused » Mon Sep 01, 2014 5:00 pm

can anyone help me make sense of bp2 depressive behaviour as I started dating a man in his 40s 4 months ago; when we met he told be about his bipolar and said he had been stressed by personal issues but had been on lithium for 3 years (trauma witnessing death triggered the bpii he said 10 years prior. He said he feels void but with me he felt a connection which he wasn't expecting. We hit it off really well and had a great few weeks - seemed general man meets woman chemistry than hypomania but unsure (we text daily, went on dates, nothing out of the ordinary). 3 weeks in he said he felt a episode starting as he was having nightmares..3 days after this he met me and said he couldn't do a relationship and I should move on and that his episode had started. I had no clue what to expect. His body language didn't support his words so I said I would stay in support of him and he needed to just let me know how to be there for him. Days later he mentioned suicidal thoughts several times, then tells me not to worry but of course I did and went over to see him a few times and once landed on his door worried but he was ok; he then left traveling to see family and kept communications to text only (sometimes positive, but then dark and talked about himself being dysfunctional and he shd be avoided), then another day general nice lighthearted talk and a few joke exchanges. 6 weeks in and not knowing whether we were together or not I asked him and he said I was perfect for him (*and gave lots of compliments) but he was too fragile to be asked such questions or commit as he needed to sort out the basics and handle the situation; he returned from travel and only contacted me via text - we live in the same city. He went back to work but sounded dark and solemn when I spoke to him, said he was very apathetic, and then he started ignoring all contact for days; I called his pdoc and told him he didn't seem better so the doc asked me to do everything I could to get him to see him; so I went to his house and booked the appointment; he was resistant at first but went and doc gave him more meds *which kind I do not know but this was third set - lithium, antidepressants and another)..he didn't speak to me for a few days and I left him to it; 10 days later he sounded darker and blew up at me (via text) about never saying he was suicidal; i gave him space and then a few days he met up with me and looked and seemed very dark; it was a quick date and kissed him goodbye and went home; 2 days later he text me to say that whatever I did on the date was inexcusable - what I don't know - and I ruined any chance of relationship of friendship. I assumed this was depression talking so I left contact which by this stage was the odd like on FB posts etc; as I was very emotional, I stepped back and looked at the bigger picture and found that despite my best attempts to be there and be kind; he sounded worse so I questioned whether my presence and unspoken pressure of a relationship was making it worse, whether he was currently loathing me in his angry mind, why he was still in deep depression after 2.5 months and 3 sets of meds, and also fund myself slipping in to a level of mild depression myself over it all - so I kindly told him in advance I was deactivating FB, I would care but from more of a distance and wished him well soon.
So my questions are: His depression has now been 3 months = can this be when medicated? (extra issues may have been Gaza/Palestine as wd be upsetting to him; plus Robin Williams death I assume hit hard also in past several weeks?? I have not spoken to him since past 3 weeks; he is apparently brighter at work (*or more fake as he has a high profile public facing job); and has not attempted contact.
Can bp and meds cause sufferers to forget conversations?
I feel the bipolar is only part of the issue - any views on this?; the passive aggressive control on text and ignoring seems to be a personal choice (some of it I understand not wanting a new flame to see you at your worst etc); but he is super high functioning at work and via social media; shaves, dresses well daily; goes out with work people on some occasions....so thanks for bearing with the ramble but I don't understand how the episode could go on so long medicated; assume relationships are a trigger as much as he wants one (and I have a son and represent a family he really wants so extra pressure)..He seems to have now focussed his attention on another woman but how much don;t know and no idea what his mindset is of me - will his loathing pass when he is level or feelings from prior come back? Do I brace myself for potential future contact? Reading and hearing all I don't think I can or should continue the relationship and have stopped all contact but last said I cared and wished him well (sees pdoc monthly but he doesn't attend therapy so to me that is not doing all he can to manage his illness as much as I care for him); i assume unresolved trauma and relationship triggers need to be better resolved and with an episode 6 months ago also I assume he doesn't have his illness under control. None of this I am saying is easy. He is likely staying away to not hurt me; but then again may just feel void or still believes I did something to scorn him. I am unsure if he will regain level and his former feelings will come back and he will again be in contact. I worry for this too as I feel like I just went through an emotional spin cycle. No doubt he's had a harder time. The blaming and silent treatment I don't respect of course and he never asked for space just did it by ignoring texts and the occasional call. It is all too new for me to know what is the illness and what is the man. Any views welcomed as maybe rather than relationship advice I am seeking answers to perhaps the illogical to seek closure at this point. really appreciate any insights tho.

PureFrustr8d
Posts: 591
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: High Functioning BP2 = advice needed

Postby PureFrustr8d » Fri Sep 05, 2014 7:52 pm

Hi New&Confused, being bp2 myself I feel his behaviour is normal. He did ask for space when he asked you to move on. When I feel a dip coming on I isolated myself as much as possible. He lives a life of major highs and major lows...managing that over and over again is extremely difficult. He'll know how bad he's felt before during a dip and this no doubt motivates him not to want to go back there but in order to avoid such extreme depressed feelings you have to do all you can on the outside to limit stress. In a relationship, people have expectations of each other - something he identified he could not provide to you during this low and thought it best to let you go (for both your sake). You need to hit the bottom of the low in order to get it out your system and carry on...when people try to help you maintain a certain 'good mood' it interferes with the process and causes more stress and in my opinion prolongs the dip. I'm currently going in to a low and don't want anyone around me. It is not personal although yes I can understand how people can feel it is. I know others expect me to think of their feeling during a dip but frankly avoiding suicidal feelings/actions is top of my list. He doesn't feel like you do when your down, his 'low' is life threatening. You may feel you can support a person with bp2 but it's my opinion you can't - it effects you way too much, you are analysing everything and questioning what's him and what's his illness (that is judgmental). This situation has also made you suffer. I don't think you know enough about the illness to separate how you feel as a result of his illness with what he is suffering...to know what to do for the best. He did try to spare you this suffering but we are so different to males, I absolutely understand your actions...we just want to care and show support. It's easier said than done to give someone you care about space. At least you know it's his illness and not because he is an a**hole. I'm sorry you've had to go through this, is it a bit of a mind-f**k but I'm certain any hurt he's caused you has not been intentional. He didn't ask for this illness, in an ideal world he wouldn't be bp and you two could be together but unfortunately the sufferer is not always the only one to suffer.

Peace


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