Earlier today my boyfriend expressed on Facebook that he had a minor breakdown at work, so I asked him what happened. He said he really didn't want to talk to anyone right now because he was a wreck, so I told him that I understand and just to remember that I'm always here and to try to let me in. He said it's not a case of letting me in, and that "right now my mind is not a place you want to be. Everything you dislike about me is all I am right now. I need to be high, and kill people, then get even more high" (I very much doubt he would actually kill anyone, it's all just words and exasperation)
I said I just wished there was something I could do to help him, and that I hoped he could see that I really care about him. He said right now he is feeling nothing and is an empty emotionless shell, there is nothing inside, and that the only thing I can do to help is to kill him (he wasn't being serious and actually expecting me to, just words). I just said that he's very important to me, that I will support him through this. He said "I'm important to no one, I hate the fact I woke up and I'm still breathing"
I've tried to show him how important he is to me, but it really seems like he genuinely can't see it, or perhaps more likely doesn't understand why. That certainly would tie in with previous things he's said about wondering why I missed him.
The things he said made me feel quite sad for him, because they're so full of despair and like he's lost all hope.... he said he's an empty shell.... that's horrible. It does seem from what he said, that he's distancing himself from me for my benefit (he's done that before and said that's what he was doing, said things like "you shouldn't be around me like this")
I was considering paying him a little visit tomorrow after work and bringing him some cake. He doesn't have to even see me properly, was just thinking that if he genuinely is feeling like he's important to no one, maybe a gesture like that might at least make him feel a tiny bit that someone cares enough to do something like that for him... hmm