my husband has depression I don't know how to cope

[nell]

I have spent so long keeping up the lie of our "happy life" that I now feel do disloyal admitting I need help. My husband has had low levels depression for years, but in the last 18 months it has gotten far worse. I am so lonely having no one to talk to, some days I even believe it's something I am doing wrong. I am not sure anyone will reply, not even sure I am making any sense but I guess I have nothing to loose .....

[caz]

heya nell.....your post made sense dont worry....welcome to the board
it wont be anything your doing thats causing your husbands depression....can he go to his gp and ask for more help? i dont know his or your situation on how he feels on getting more help but maybe you could go to see his gp and ask for a home visit xxhugsxx

[nell]

Thankyou for messaging. such a simple thing and I can't tell you how much it means to have someone actually hear me. I am crying with relief. My husband is seeing his gp,, but he lies about the situation. I insisted on going last with him and theyy have doubled his meds. He hides his depression from everyone and I am so alone trying to cope with the unpredictability of his moods.
I feel manipulated and scared of saying anything that won't keep his mood buoyant. Mostly I feel a cow for wanting to run away. Do you think all partners get swallowed up by the other partners depression. I am so sorry if I have gone on, it's just no one seems to see me anymore
Nell x

[Avalon]

Hi Nell and welcome. You are not responsible for his moods.
You need to make sure that you're ok too and that his illness doesn't become your illness.
Have you got anyone at all around you that is supportive of your situation?
If not look into local carers groups and try joining one and see how you get on.

[nell]

Hi Avalon. I have had a really good think about what,you said about his illness not becoming mine......and I think it was. I have stopped going out with friends because I feel so guilty leaving him home alone. I give in to any demand,he has to try and make home happy, if only temporarily . Coming on here was a first huge step, and I do feel disloyal but it is helping. I was wondering..., do depressed people become manipulative, because sometimes I feel really manipulated..
Many thanks for replying, I never thought words from strangers could be so comforting.
Nell x

[robinbird]

My boyfriend often gets the brunt of my emotions, and has often talked me out of suicide. However, this has led me to say he should leave me so I can kill myself when I am particularly suicidal and depressed. Yes, you need to be there for your husband, but not so much so that you become a constant carer who he feels he is a burden to. It may seem selfish to have time to yourself but you need it, and if you don't take it, in his most self-pitying states he may try to push you away. It can seem confusing, but honestly, when I'm ill, I only push those I want to be around away if that makes any sense?

Best wishes x

[ChloeLDay]

You aren't to blame- please do get some support for yourself as it can be so hard for carers- often I think partners do get swallowed up by their partner's depression, it can be an all-consuming illness. I know how hard it can be getting someone to admit they need help- hopefully his medication will help, do you think he'd be willing to speak to someone about how he's feeling? Does he have any friends he can talk to to try and take the burden off you? I know exactly how difficult it can be tiptoeing around people, I'm constantly trying to keep things even for my mum so she doesn't go off the deep end- but at some times you have to be selfish and make sure your life isn't ruined. Try and have one night off a week and confide in someone about how difficult it is- my dad finds my mum's depression very hard but we both find it easier now we can talk to each other. Perhaps see if you can find some other websites you can look at with your partner so you can try and understand the illness together- he is probably feeling very guilty about how he is feeling, it is such a frustrating illness as you so want to be better but there isn't anything you can do on a bad day. There are a couple of books that could be helpful for you both- 'I had a black dog' and 'living with a black dog'- my dad and I find them very helpful. Lots of luck to you and try not to feel guilty about coming on here and seeking support- read up about the illness yourself so you can try and understand a little better how he is feeling. hugs xxxxx

[lucie]

I'm 23. I've been with my partner since i was 17. He had quite a severe breakdown - stopped going to work, stop leaving the house, but he's functioning now. Well he's going to work at least. He still puts a huge amount of pressure on me though, he doesn't like being without me in the evenings so i can't spend time with friends or go to visit my parents. I am in charge of all the finances and I have to treat him like a child, waking him up in the morning, making sure he is doing the normal things a person has to do. Even though he's earning he's not giving me any money for rent. This makes me feel like he's using me for my practical and emotional support. I've told a member of his family that I feel low and they were encouraging me to seek more independence from him, however I've been explaining the ways in which I feels he manipulates me (he won't let me go to see my parents without him and he makes it so i can only go for one night instead of three). now they've begun to take his side and have inadvertently make me feel selfish. I've also suffered from depression since I was young, so I'm not massively assured in my feelings. I'm not sure whether what I'm asking for now, is unreasonable. I'm miserable but I'm scared if I leave he will relapse and it will be my fault. He's told me if I leave he can't live without me and I have interpreted this as that he will kill himself if I leave. I'm receiving therapy and I'm being assured that I need to look after my wellbeing, but I am so worried about him I don't know what I can do.

It feels like this chain of conversation is reflecting exactly what I've been through. I'm sorry that you have felt low Nell and that you have been left to look after someone else's needs rather than your own. All my love to you xx

[nodoovers]

I don't know if you still check this forum but I am going through something similar with my husband.

It's important to keep healthy and have outside contact. It's rare we do anything as a couple with another couple because the things he has said have pushed friends away.

But I joined a bookclub and healthclub and now also walk or hike with my girlfriends. I can't really talk to them about this stuff since I am just getting to know them but I feel its important to get out.

I used to be co-dependant with my ex so I am trying hard not to do the same with my husband now, although there are days like you I feel swallowed up in his depression.

[Ferdinend]

Hi Nell,
Some tips for your husband to cope with depression.
Talk with him and share his problems with you. Engage your husband in daily physical activity and start exercise or sport. Tell him not to worry and if he smokes or drinks quit alcohol and smoking.