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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
ariane
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Fri Apr 20, 2018 4:14 pm

Hi all,

Sorry for the silence the last few days.
I disagree with a previous post, which likened our partners / exes to abusers.
Having spent over a decade with someone who was emotionally abusive to me (and which i only realised retrospectively), I found it quite difficult to read the article. In my mind, the article related to this man (my husband) more so than my "existing" guy and muddling the 2 situations together was quite confusing and upsetting for a moment.
I don't agree that my guy has put my confidence at an all time low, which prompts me to enjoy the push and pull. I am not enjoying nor am i addicted to this "chase" and I found this suggestion quite upsetting to be honest.

Something else happened the last couple of days. A picture memory came on my FB page from years ago of me and my daughter when I was still married and a good 5yrs before the breakdown of my marriage. On the picture there is a barely there smile on my lips, which does not reach my eyes. It prompted me to look back at old pictures. Each and every single one of them during my 15yr marriage shows me guarded, barely smiling and a sad look in my eyes. In comparison i look at pictures of the last year since knowing my guy, my smile is always there, wide and stretching to my eyes. All these pictures show so much joy and happiness. It makes me realise that as much as i fought after the breakdown of my marriage to patch things up, the sadness in my eyes from these years ago was tale-tell enough that this was not right for me.

This time around though, I am not ready to give up just yet. You cannot fake that happiness on pictures as recent as less than 2 weeks ago.
I have not contacted him for a few days and I am not sure of my next step at the moment but I will remain hopeful until explicitly told otherwise.

Mind yourself everyone x

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Fri Apr 20, 2018 4:36 pm

Hi Scn

Sorry your man feels drinking is more useful than getting help, mine is much the same. I can’t believe how he has become so cold and uncaring. I told him it was cruel to raise false hopes by asking me to stay over, shares his bed etc. He said he just asked so we could have a night out and I didn’t have to leave early to get the last train home. He couldn’t seem to understand how that would raise my hopes that part of him still loved me!!

Enjoy the sunshine everyone

Lillie xxx

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Fri Apr 20, 2018 6:33 pm

Hi Ariane

Glad to hear you are OK. I didn’t like that post either. My ex emotionally and physically abused me and you are right that article was more applicable to domestic violence than depression. My guy was so amazing when I met him. He hated what my ex had done to me. I actually wrote a court statement for him when his ex falsely accused him of domestic violence (his solicitor asked me to) saying I had been in a relationship with him for 2 years and he had only ever treated me with kindness and respect and that I had been a victim of DV in a previous relationship so I would never stay with a man who abused me. It breaks my heart to think depression has turned him into what he is now.

Take care

Lillie xx

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Sat Apr 21, 2018 4:40 pm

Oops, feels like I’m the only one posting here please forgive me for forum spamming. Well he broke the silence with a message telling me Avicii was dead ... typical DJ ... sad nonetheless, 28 is no age to die and I liked his music. Which led to a whole conversation and the offer of a meal and night out (from him not me). Am I mad/stupid? yes probably but this man means the world to me and I’m not willing to give up the fight yet.

Hope you are all enjoying the weekend

Lille xx

ariane
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Sat Apr 21, 2018 5:08 pm

Hi Lillie,

Don’t think I can give you advice as I am just very angry and upset and anything I would advise would reflect that. Do what you feel is right with your eyes wide open and your heart closed.

I drove 1hr to my guys place today to talk. I had whatsapp him the day before but he hadn’t read it. Anyway I rang the bell, no answer. I rang his phone no answer. So I texted him to look out the window and let me in. I heard noise in the house the bedroom window was open. He switched off his phone and left me standing outside in the middle of the street.

I stayed for a little while and left. Eventually he switched his phone back on. Right now he won’t even tell me if I left a piece of jewelry at his place.

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Sat Apr 21, 2018 8:21 pm

Hi Ariane

I’m so sorry about your experience today. Don’t worry, today wasn’t a big success for me either, he made it quite clear we are done and I’m sort of glad because now I can give up fighting.

Take care

Lillie xx

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:22 pm

Hi Ariane and Lillie

I’m so sorry to hear things have not worked out for you either. This is really so so sad. I really wonder if we can put all the blame on their illness or if it is partly who they are. We all deserve better, although it doesn’t feel that way at the moment.

Hugs to you both. Take care xx

sallyc
Posts: 107
Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2018 9:46 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby sallyc » Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:32 pm

Ariane and Lillie, I'm so sorry to read your news today. I really thought you guys were the exeption.

They're being very cruel. Ariane, Sorry to say but your ex is acting like a coward and you have every right to be angry. The least he could've done was face you to at least give you an explanation and closure. Not fair at all and I really feel for you.

Lillie, what happened for him to go from asking you out for a meal to saying you're done? It's like he gave you some hope one minute to change his mind the next? You've done everything you can.

Like has been said on here many times before, depression doesn't give someone the right to treat someone so cruel. I really wish you both all the luck in the world to get through this nightmare. It's not going to be easy, I'm still struggling and think of him daily but have accepted that it's over. Just need to heal now and in time, hopefully find someone worthy of our kindness and love.

Take care ladies xx

PureFrustr8d
Posts: 591
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby PureFrustr8d » Sat Apr 21, 2018 11:16 pm

Watch the whole vid please:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCzhbB9DhyA

Peace

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Sun Apr 22, 2018 8:45 am

Thanks Arwen and Sally

I think it’s a mix of depression and who he is. He blames everything on his upbringing (which was pretty screwed up I admit) and what his ex did to him (again pretty screwed up). He is full of self pity and won’t even try to help himself. He’s meant to be starting Skype chats with his children next week but no one from the third party facilitators has contacted him yet to make arrangements. He was full of excuses as to why he couldn’t contact them to chase it up. Seriously, these are the children he’s so desperate to see and he can’t even be bothered to Google a phone number and make a quick call in his lunch hour. This is the sort of stuff I used to do for him all the time. He’s really beyond help, all he wants to do is go drinking with his friends and now probably pick up woman for one night stands like they do. I honestly don’t care anymore.

Ariane I hope you are OK.

Lillie xx


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