Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

[lilliep]

Hi Ariane

Deciding whether to worry about them or not is a tough choice. I have a dilemma in that last time he spoke to me he was genuinely quite happy and I can’t see any good reason for him to be blanking me, he’s not been online at all for 2 days. Not only does he have friends who take drugs I know the guy his ex married hates him and has assaulted him once before so I do have cause to worry. I truly think he’s just been out all night drinking god knows what and can’t get out of bed. I can do no more than I have though which is just to send a message saying I hope he’s OK. He is his own worst enemy.

Do what you feel is right Ariane, if you are truly worried about him then contact his friends. I’m sure they won’t think badly of you for being concerned. It’s only human to worry about people we care for.

Take care

Lillie xx

[ariane]

To be honest my motivation is more self serving. His friend said on the phone that it’s typical behaviour when he’s very close to someone to push them away. His other friend told me as a joke when we met that he’s a commitment-phobe
Yes I am worried about him, but I am worried about me too. If they can shed some light on where I stand...

He’s reading me still straight away actually just not responding.

[lilliep]

Hi Ariane

It’s perfectly understandable to need to know where you stand and I really hope he’s courteous enough to let you know. Although the lack of empathy that goes with depression means this might not happen quickly. I hope he gets back on his meds and starts seeing things more clearly and realises what he’s going to loose if he’s not careful.

Well my suspicions were correct, I’ve just had a flurry of apologetic messages, but the excuse of a ‘mad couple of days’ aka heavy all day/night drinking, isn’t making me feel very forgiving. I had a nice day today, much nicer than I would have had with him. He would have been tired, hungover and miserable company.

Take care xx

[ariane]

Morning
I messaged his friend last night.
She’s known him 20yrs. She said that this is standard behaviour for him each time he gets very close to someone. I know the theme of commitment came in counselling stemming from childhood. Has he been depressed the last 20 years or am I fooling myself and depression was never the issue. He’s just not the nice man I thought he was...

[lilliep]

Hi Ariane

Sad as it is I think you do need to question if this is the depression or just who he is. I’m doing the same thing here.

Take care

Lillie xx

[james80]

Depression shouldn't be an excuse for bad behaviour. And even if the behaviour cannot be helped is it behaviour that you could excuse/ignore in a relationship? And why should you? We are people with value too.

I feel a little worse lately. I think that's partly because we've been interacting better lately and it's reminded me of how we were. And the realisation is really sinking in that my future doesn't include her. Letting go is hard when you really don't want to. Judging taking one day after the other and time passes

[arwen2018]

Morning everyone

Ariane, my ex’s cousin said something similar. He said my ex before he got married was never good at relationships. He isn’t Mr normal and is more like a free spirit. However, my ex was married for 10 years before his wife cheated on him and left him. In my situation, I think my ex has abandonment issues from past childhood trauma. When his marriage broke down, it made it worse. I believe my ex started a relationship with me in the belief it would last and was committed to me. But unfortunately, there were triggers that set off his abandonment issues and instead of accepting he had to face his issues and seek treatment, he preferred to break up with me and continue with the destructive pattern. He immediately started pursuing another woman the day after he ended it with me. He can’t be on his own ever. But when he gets close to someone, he gets scared of being abandoned so break up before his partner does it. So maybe it’s the same with your guy.

James, I feel for you. It is so hard, near impossible to heal and move on when you’re in constant contact with an ex. The only way is no contact. But I really don’t know what the answer is for you, except that one of you need to change job.

Have a lovely Sunday and be strong xx

[lilliep]

Hi

Well I’ve been brave and I’ve sent a final message saying I don’t like the person he’s become, that I deserve respect and if he thinks the sort of lifestyle he’s pursuing makes him a good role model for his children he needs to think again. After the apologetic messages last night I got nothing more and now his phone is dead. So I assume that he ended up at a house party after the club, taking god knows what. He’s done it before. I really don’t feel anything for him now other than anger.

James it must be so hard having to work with her, i don’t think I could do it.

Ariane I hope you are OK.

Lillie xx

[james80]

Thanks Arwen. Unfortunately a new job isn't really feasible. I'll just have to suck it up and accept it'll take longer! It's a bad situation but I should have known better than to get involved with a colleague, mental health or not it's never a good idea!

The worst thing is that I can never move on from the (most likely false) hope. Reading significance into every little thing

You too! Have a nice Sunday all. It's my mum's birthday tomorrow so I'm cooking her a meal

[ariane]

I am really not doing good.
Just did my grocery shopping like an out of body experience. Bought ready meals for my daughters as I am actually unable to physically cook right now. As for myself I have been managing on a small snack per day since Thursday. I am exhausted, nauseous and truly I just want to curl up and cry. The one friend who knows and supports me no matter what is away. I feel empty and lonely, the sense of dread in the pit of my stomach is constant.

Lillie, I sent a similar message but received no response.
Last night I sent him this “You’d be kinder to block me if your intention is not to respond. It would hurt me much less than what you are doing now” this was read immediately, no response and not blocked anywhere.

I am scaring myself.