Ariane & Lilly,
I have been keeping quiet for the past few weeks as the pain of opening the wounds over and over again was just too much to bear. Having said that, I kept following tour development and keeping my fingers crossed for you, hoping you'd get a positive result in the end and your men back but your side. Even more now I can't say how sorry I feel for both of you. You didn't deserve it and your men have behaved like total cowards! I think I'm allowed to say that being a man myself. They've let you down, hurt you deeply and I don't think their depression can be an excuse for acting like this.
Especially you Ariane. I so relate to your situation with the front door. My ex has done exactly the same thing to me when two weeks after the breakup I showed up with flowers. She answered the bell, but when heard my voice refused to let me upstairs following which not even responded to my messages. It felt terribly painful and humiliating. I mean, ok I've lost my nerve when she finally after all the dramas broke up with me over the phone, ok I might have said I hated her, but hey - who doesn't make mistakes? I think it would be normal and acceptable for a person to cool off and listen to the opposite side, let them apologise, especially if they mean it. Instead, my ex has remained quiet.
Two weeks after I've sent her another message, a bit longer, calm, non confrontational. I said I've realised some things on my part and apologised for them. It's now been nearly three weeks since the message and 6 weeks since the breakup and she still hasn't even bothered saying either let's talk or leave me alone I don't want to know you anymore. Instead she's been ghosting me like some teenage school girl. She's not blocked me on WhatsApp, not disconnected from my shared Google Photos album, not even claimed her remaining clothes back or sent mine back either... It's not allowing me closure and is very painful.
Having said that, I've done a lot of soul searching and thinking recently and my perception of the situation has evolved. From initial stages when I only blamed everything on her depression (or God knows what else she's suffering from), then beating myself up heavily for the situation and driving crazy with guilt about not understanding her, being selfish etc, I think my view has now stabilised somewhere in the middle. I now think we were actually both to blame for this mess.
Also, another circumstance has come to light recently, which made me realise this relationship may have been doomed from the beginning no matter what I did. It turns out her ex bf with whom she broke up just over two month before getting together with me, had now after only around six months moved on and found himself a new girlfriend for whom he's changed jobs and moved from London back to his home country. Considering how my ex behaved with me, I now see she was still not ready for anything new when we started seeing each other. Not that she wanted been with him, I don't think so. But she's never processed the grieve of the split up, instead suppressing this from her mind. This only made her a ticking time bomb waiting to blow. Which she did, a day after he posted on FB some luved up pictures with his new girlfriend.
I think she's now going through a delayed grieving process, on top of her depressive personality, but hope that she'll manage to cope with this sooner than later and realize what's important. I understand how this may have shaken her up. After all, they came to London together, had some life plans together and now two years down the line the relationship has ended, dreams have been shattered, and even the fact he's now gone back to their home country must have made her feel very lonely and down.
But despite the pain and temptation to try and contact her again, instead I've stuck to my no contact. If anything, she must see I respect her wish to be left alone, to have more space for herself and hopefully letting her forget the bad things and maybe even start missing me a little bit? In the mean time I have forced myself to get back to my cycling, which is gradually starting to help improve my mood a little bit. I have been meeting with friends over the past few weeks, going for walks along the river, coffee in my favourite café and reading some books on self improvement and doing a lot of meditations.
Although I am still having a lot of bad days, I am also finally starting to have some good days too and in comparison where I was about 3-4 weeks ago, I say I've made a long journey to where I am right now. I have realised that the whole pre-breakup anxietiesand post breakup stress have really strained the foundation of my mental wellbeing and caused pretty much a depression of my own. So, as much as my ex has some stuff going which she needs to deal with, I have realised this is also now the time for me to look after myself, rebuild my sense of self worth, self esteem, confidence, address my anxieties and fears and land again how to love, respect and be happy with myself first, before I can try and re establish any communication with my ex.
I hope she is doing the same on her part. I am not sure (because she has virtually no presence on social media) but suspect she may have gone home recently. Possibly to reunite with her family for a bit, possibly to seek some comfort in her mother's arms and maybe also some professional advice (which after all she was starting to admit she may need). Both of her parents are docto ductos, both with their feet on a ground, they have already dealt with those episodes in the past, so maybe this time too, she will come back strengthened a little (and I'm really hoping with some meds).
Take care everyone!