Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

[ariane]

Hi
A couple of things came to light yesterday.
When I was left stranded in the middle of the street yesterday, I rang my friend who told me to try his friends again. I felt like a stalker and guilty for ringing her but she was very understanding.
The reason she never texted me back last week was because he promised her he would message me. She also said he was back on his meds. Her words to me: he’s an “asshole” delete his number. He has a fear of commitment.
Her husband tried ringing him but as with me the phone was off so it’s not that he’d blocked me. She told me to shout at the top of my lungs to open the door... lunchtime on a Saturday in a Main Street I couldn’t do it so I left.

I sent him a messenger message telling him that his behaviour was despicable and in par with how my ex treated me. I told him he was a coward. I listed everything we had done in recent weeks and how he led me on. I asked him for an apology and an explanation. He gave my message a thumbs down, whatever this is supposed to mean.
Since yesterday I am trying to find out if I left a necklace at his. He won’t give me an answer. I have also asked him to reimburse me for money I lent him (not a lot but he always said he’d pay me back). Again he won’t answer.
Out of desperation I actually questioned his depression, asked him whether I was just a joke to him. That’s when he went offline. I still remain unblocked although I gave him plenty of opportunities to block me. I know I could just do it but I am not strong enough to and if he did that would be the closure I need.

This morning I feel calmer as in less sad. I just feel very angry. And that small part of my brain is still trying to justify his behaviour.
Then things come back to mind... like the last wkend I stayed over how I asked him to go home because I was tired although he wanted to go to another pub. How we went home but he told me he had to buy cigarettes and would come back in a few minutes. How he left me alone for 1hr while he actually went to have another pint. Only for the fact I was so tired I fell asleep and I only realized when he woke me up what had happened. I think he’s an alcoholic, his mother was. One of his siblings is bipolar. Maybe all of these are tied a bit to genetics.

[mimosas]

I'm with you on feeling angry, and humiliated, I've been making excuses for him thinking he was really having a bad time, but in reality he had moved on and thought it was acceptable to just block me with no explanation, saying 'she should have got the message by now'. Arsehole!

His friend and family were siding with him, makes me think what he was saying to them about me! I did nothing wrong and just need to keep telling myself that.

We all have to hope there is something better coming along for us. We Have invested too much time and energy into people who didn't deserve our care and support. I have total support for anyone suffering with mental health problems but as has been said so many times on here their mental health is no excuse for acting like arse holes and totally outside normal human decency and kindness.

Rant over! Hope all are ok. We will get over these times xx

[lilliep]

Hi Ariane

I’m glad you feel a bit better xx I’ve had a message this morning saying ‘sorry, it wasn’t meant to be like this’ I don’t know what he means, I hate talking via message but he seems to only be able to communicate that way. Like your man I know he’s scared of commitment and I guess I was just meant to be a short term thing and it’s taken him 4 years to work out I’m still here. He told me back in September he was scared of loosing me but he couldn’t give me what I needed until his case was over. I took this to mean he needed to concentrate his efforts on his case which I totally understand. But now he says this wasn’t the case he just didn’t love me anymore. I wish these people could give a straight answer and not lead us on, it’s unfair and cruel.

Ariane that situation you mentioned about wanting to go home because you were tired and he went for another drink. A similar thing happened to me too. I wish we all lived closer together, we could meet up for drinks and form a survivors club.

Take care

Lillie xx

[ariane]

He’s broken his silence.
Similar to Mimosas, he thought I would give up and move on. Let alone that the last time he went silent he was on the verge of suicide and that he knew I was worried about him. I didn’t think that being ghosted actually happened in real relationships I thought it was just after a date but not after months of being with someone!

He’s confirmed that he’s not on his meds, which now makes it 3-4 weeks without them. He must have lied to his friends as they said he was on them last weekend. He said he’s to go back to the doctor next week. Like your guy Lillie, It’s always next week or sooner if someone else actually does it for him. He says he’s laid back I say he’s lazy.

I am so glad I was always too coward to tell my kids I was seeing someone and to make introductions.
I told him that I wish he could experience an ounce of the pain he’s put me through twice around...
He said he’s sorry things had to end like this... finally an outcome it has ended...

[lilliep]

So sorry Ariane xx. At least you have an answer now. He’s his own worst enemy clearly but you have done all you can for him. If he’s not willing to get help and try to change he will end up a lonely man. This is basically what I told my guy, I didn’t understand his message but unless he put his past aside and tried to look to a brighter future he would always be alone. It’s up to him.

Take care

Lille xx

[ariane]

I honestly think I am beyond saving...
I spent the afternoon at my friend’s. Crying and trying to make sense of everything. And god help me I have that niggling thought at the back of my head, this only happened because he went off his meds... what ifs...?

I would most likely take him back in a heartbeat.
My friend said she’d hit me over the head with a pole if I ever considered this... after all the tears shed the hurt caused the lack of empathy

I am not contacting him anymore, my necklace is not at his place and he said he will give me back the money. He will have to get in touch about the money, probably have to meet me as he wouldn’t have a clue how to do an online bank transfer.

I feel emotionally drained, hurt beyond words and betrayed. I feel like a crazy woman from having had to resort to contacting his friends. And I feel like I acted like a stalker. Although I know that his actions prompted this. I gave him over the last 10 days ample opportunities to tell me what he wanted. He is the one who made the decision to keep me in the dark and my hopes alive

[lilliep]

Hi Ariane

You obviously loved that man very much and it’s only natural to find yourself thinking the ‘what ifs’ I’ve done it too. Like you I would have him back in a heartbeat if he asked me but it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. The person he is now would make me unhappy and there is no guarantee the person he was will ever return. He keeps saying when his life is more settled and he’s in a better place he will feel better but the goalposts keep changing and I really think he will never be the person he was. I told him I felt it was hurtful that he slept with me when he had no feelings for me (although I didn’t know this at the time) and instead of just saying a simple sorry he launched into a rant about always being the bad guy and getting blamed for everything. I don’t need that sort of person in my life.

You will start to feel better in a few days Ariane. It’s hard now but it will get better, take each day as it comes and rant here, we all understand.

Lillie xx

[mimosas]

I feel emotionally drained, hurt beyond words and betrayed. I feel like a crazy woman from having had to resort to contacting his friends. And I feel like I acted like a stalker. Although I know that his actions prompted this. I gave him over the last 10 days ample opportunities to tell me what he wanted. He is the one who made the decision to keep me in the dark and my hopes alive

Same here. Just got home. I have sent all my friends a message telling them what's happened. I've said please don't tell me I deserve better, or someone will come along, at the moment just want to dig a hole and disappear.

We will get through this xx

[mr.brightside]

Ariane & Lilly,

I have been keeping quiet for the past few weeks as the pain of opening the wounds over and over again was just too much to bear. Having said that, I kept following tour development and keeping my fingers crossed for you, hoping you'd get a positive result in the end and your men back but your side. Even more now I can't say how sorry I feel for both of you. You didn't deserve it and your men have behaved like total cowards! I think I'm allowed to say that being a man myself. They've let you down, hurt you deeply and I don't think their depression can be an excuse for acting like this.

Especially you Ariane. I so relate to your situation with the front door. My ex has done exactly the same thing to me when two weeks after the breakup I showed up with flowers. She answered the bell, but when heard my voice refused to let me upstairs following which not even responded to my messages. It felt terribly painful and humiliating. I mean, ok I've lost my nerve when she finally after all the dramas broke up with me over the phone, ok I might have said I hated her, but hey - who doesn't make mistakes? I think it would be normal and acceptable for a person to cool off and listen to the opposite side, let them apologise, especially if they mean it. Instead, my ex has remained quiet.

Two weeks after I've sent her another message, a bit longer, calm, non confrontational. I said I've realised some things on my part and apologised for them. It's now been nearly three weeks since the message and 6 weeks since the breakup and she still hasn't even bothered saying either let's talk or leave me alone I don't want to know you anymore. Instead she's been ghosting me like some teenage school girl. She's not blocked me on WhatsApp, not disconnected from my shared Google Photos album, not even claimed her remaining clothes back or sent mine back either... It's not allowing me closure and is very painful.

Having said that, I've done a lot of soul searching and thinking recently and my perception of the situation has evolved. From initial stages when I only blamed everything on her depression (or God knows what else she's suffering from), then beating myself up heavily for the situation and driving crazy with guilt about not understanding her, being selfish etc, I think my view has now stabilised somewhere in the middle. I now think we were actually both to blame for this mess.

Also, another circumstance has come to light recently, which made me realise this relationship may have been doomed from the beginning no matter what I did. It turns out her ex bf with whom she broke up just over two month before getting together with me, had now after only around six months moved on and found himself a new girlfriend for whom he's changed jobs and moved from London back to his home country. Considering how my ex behaved with me, I now see she was still not ready for anything new when we started seeing each other. Not that she wanted been with him, I don't think so. But she's never processed the grieve of the split up, instead suppressing this from her mind. This only made her a ticking time bomb waiting to blow. Which she did, a day after he posted on FB some luved up pictures with his new girlfriend.

I think she's now going through a delayed grieving process, on top of her depressive personality, but hope that she'll manage to cope with this sooner than later and realize what's important. I understand how this may have shaken her up. After all, they came to London together, had some life plans together and now two years down the line the relationship has ended, dreams have been shattered, and even the fact he's now gone back to their home country must have made her feel very lonely and down.

But despite the pain and temptation to try and contact her again, instead I've stuck to my no contact. If anything, she must see I respect her wish to be left alone, to have more space for herself and hopefully letting her forget the bad things and maybe even start missing me a little bit? In the mean time I have forced myself to get back to my cycling, which is gradually starting to help improve my mood a little bit. I have been meeting with friends over the past few weeks, going for walks along the river, coffee in my favourite café and reading some books on self improvement and doing a lot of meditations.

Although I am still having a lot of bad days, I am also finally starting to have some good days too and in comparison where I was about 3-4 weeks ago, I say I've made a long journey to where I am right now. I have realised that the whole pre-breakup anxietiesand post breakup stress have really strained the foundation of my mental wellbeing and caused pretty much a depression of my own. So, as much as my ex has some stuff going which she needs to deal with, I have realised this is also now the time for me to look after myself, rebuild my sense of self worth, self esteem, confidence, address my anxieties and fears and land again how to love, respect and be happy with myself first, before I can try and re establish any communication with my ex.

I hope she is doing the same on her part. I am not sure (because she has virtually no presence on social media) but suspect she may have gone home recently. Possibly to reunite with her family for a bit, possibly to seek some comfort in her mother's arms and maybe also some professional advice (which after all she was starting to admit she may need). Both of her parents are docto ductos, both with their feet on a ground, they have already dealt with those episodes in the past, so maybe this time too, she will come back strengthened a little (and I'm really hoping with some meds).

Take care everyone!

Mr.B

[lilliep]

Thanks Mr B and glad to hear you are feeling better and recovering. I just feel a bit empty and lonely, we used to talk, email and message so much, just this morning I saw something funny and wanted to send him a photo to make him smile, didn’t though. Stupid things make me sad, like I have to walk past a Leon restaurant every day on my way to work and that was his name. Like you I haven’t been blocked anywhere, although I do know he’s got several email and Skype accounts so he’s probably just ignoring the ones he used for me. I think what I find hard is things were improving and then literally overnight it was back to September, no Skype chats, few messages and total coldness. No idea what happened except like September he had an all weekend drinking session, maybe that’s the trigger.

I don’t think my heart will heal very quickly, the thought of going through the process of meeting someone else, getting to know them, starting a new relationship .... too scary.

Mimosas I hope you feel better soon. You have had a horrible experience, I really feel for you xx

Ariane, I hope you feel a bit better today too xx

Take care everyone

Lillie xx