Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

[lilliep]

Hi Ariane

I’m sorry you are feeling so low. I didn’t get a response to my message yet and I don’t know if he’s read it, but I’m honestly not expecting one or if he does it will be along the lines of ‘I didn’t ask you to care for me’. I hope he does give you proper closure and block you, not because that’s a nice thing to do but because keeping you dangling like this is cruel. If you can be brave maybe block him and see how that feels, it’s easy to reverse if it feels too scary.

Sending hugs

Lillie xx

[james80]

Sorry to hear how you are feeling ariane. And that things have turned out this way.

I know it doesn't help right now but it will get easier. As you know. Just try and cling onto that belief when you feel low.

[lilliep]

Hi

Well I got a very dismissive reponse to my message saying he’s fine and not to worry ending with the meaningless single kiss that just serves to indicates he’s not annoyed with me. From experience I know all weekend drinking will be with his Eastern European friend who drinks a really scary amount, back when I was more than a friend he would send me funny videos and photos of them both singing to me or acting up. The friend works in a hospital and has been trying to fix him up with a nurse colleague ever since we split. Maybe he’s finally managed it, he’s been so evasive this week something is up. Really Ariane I can promise you things do get easier. A few months back this behaviour would have had me sobbing but now it’s just encouraged me to get out there and find me an uncomplicated man who actually respects me and wants to be with me. It hurts now but each day that passes the hurt will diminish a little until it’s gone. You will be fine.

Take care

Lillie xx

[sallyc]

Aww guys I'm so sorry that they've done this to you again.

After I sent my final message to my ex asking him not to contact me again as it was so painful, I instantly regretted it. I've had weeks of going back and forth in my mind wanting to reach out but I fought the urge and now don't think about messaging him. I know all hope is gone and am trying to move on. I promise it does get easier.

I had to block him and it was one of the hardest things I've done but it has helped. I'm no longer checking his last online, who's liking his profile pics etc. Maybe you will need to do that to start to heal? Ask yourself, can you go through this heartbreak again and again?

The feeling you have now Ariane is so painful and I really feel for you. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Lillie. You sound so positive this time. Good on you. Keep at it.

We all deserve better xx

[ariane]

For me I am not concerned at all about another woman or who likes his pics. I know there’s no one else. I think it would be easier if there was. I dealt with that before I’d know how to.

I keep thinking that if he came back to me once he will come back to me again. It’s whether I can deal with 1. Waiting 2. Likely reoccurrences of this situation
I think that with proper discussion and understanding of what I must do when he flips, maybe I could... I am probably mad

There was too much going on this wkend, him, the work thing and constant children bickering it was too much and I am fragile as a result

[lilliep]

Hope you feel a bit better today Ariane x

[scn]

Hello everyone,

I too have had a very bad weekend. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown and wish I had the strength and emotional resilience to just walk away. I saw him last night and stayed over. Lots of crying, him being irrational and me losing my temper. Then sleeping in each others arms. It's such a headf**k.

[ariane]

Thanks Lillie

Scn, I am with you on the nervous breakdown. I spoke to my mother on the phone last night, who knows nothing about me and my guy (i am really private and my mom and i do not live in the same country). Anyway i got upset on the phone and told her i was feeling very anxious the way i felt a few years ago during my marriage breakdown. She is sending me some homeopathic remedy that i used before but cannot get here.

I messaged him this morning, just saying that i missed him and that i hoped he has a nice day. He read it within 10min as he seems to always do the last couple of days but i have had no response. The fact that although i have told him to block me and he hasn't and the fact that i have not received a break up text like i did the previous time... that damn hope!!!

[scn]

I did have something of a breakthrough moment when I explained to him he is acting the way he is because of his childhood abandonment issues. They were triggered the first time we split up - after I told him I loved him. We were apart for three months but reconciled, with him thanking me profusely for 'persisting' with him and admitting historic relationship problems.
His parents passed adult responsibilities onto him when he was 9 - his dad threatened suicide and walked out and he would come home from school to find his mother naked with other men. He had it tough and I see the shell he's built up to protect himself from this - i.e. if I run first, you can't hurt me. My heart aches for the pain he went through and for the pain he continues to be in.
I believe the trigger this time was us moving in together - another relationship milestone.
Now his stance is 'I never want an emotional relationship again. Ever. I'm fine on my own, I don't want it.' He says he doesn't want my support and while he's sorry to have hurt me, he's not going to change. He says all this while making vague suggestions he's going to look into counselling or rehab.
When I pointed out this all stems from a trigger in his childhood he clearly had a lightbulb moment, but hurriedly retorted: 'Well I still feel differently about you.'
I did a lot of crying last night and he told me he hardened himself to female emotion after watching his mother lose it when his dad walked out. He says all he wants is for me to stop hurting, that he's more concerned about me than him and that he's so sorry for what he's put me through.
He's thrown the shutters down and I am really suffering trying to muster the energy, strength and patience to coax them back up and lead him to help.

[ariane]

Scn,

This is so familiar.
My guy started counselling the 3rd week of February. He has told me that he figured out through counselling that some of his issues stem from childhood. I didn't ask for details but he offered some, which i don't want to put on here.

The day before he flipped, i put down in a text that i loved him. I am usually cautious as to when I tell him and he has reciprocated recently, but i knew the dark thoughts were back, i should not have said it. The next day he went a bit weird and the day after he stopped messaging all together.

Our relationship (including the break in December) is coming to the longest he has been with someone. Something else happened when i stayed over, which i think may have triggered something else.

Or i am clinching at straws...