Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

[lilliep]

Hi Arwen

I’m glad you are feeling so much better, you are my inspiration and I hope to feel much better soon too xx

Ariane, also glad things are OK with you. I hope your guy gets back on his meds, how did he manage to run out? Don’t GPS keep an eye on these things as it’s so important people take them regularly?

Yes I’ve come to the conclusion he’s being very selfish and I don’t know if that’s the depression/anxiety or just him. I’m not interested in a platonic relationship given what we had, whilst I had hope I was prepared to settle for that but not now. I need to stop seeing him and get my weekend diary full of other things to do, the thought of dating someone new scares me though, he was so perfect I can’t see anyone replacing him. Lots of healing to do I think.

Take care everyone

Lillie xx

[ariane]

Hi Lillie

The Doctor is useless. Told my guy to come back in for an appointment, which he did and then proceeded to ask why are you here whilst having all the notes in front of him. He never asked how he was, how did he find the meds, what was his frame of mind. My guy being a typical guy who doesn’t like docs got thick and didn’t ask for a new prescription. I told him to get another appointment and ask for a different doctor. His counselor will say the same to him I hope. If he doesn’t do it then I will get his friends on the case...

Lillie I hope that you get to heal. Changing your weekend routine will probably be the first step towards this ensuring you are busy. I wish you the very best and sending you hugs xxx

Arwen, delighted to read your last message, you are a strong woman and deserve so much xxx

Big hugs everyone

[lilliep]

Hi Ariane

In my experience doctors and counsellors are totally useless. I hope he can find a far more sympathetic GP.

I’m feeling really down today, I think the feelings of total rejection have set in. I know it’s not my fault or me but I still feel sad.

Lille xx

[ariane]

I am sorry you feel so down. It’s heartbreaking after these few months and so much hope that things would get better. I find it hard to comprehend how your guy can be so cold and unrealistic and also have no issue with putting you through more heartache by pushing to be friends. I know you must be in turmoil right now with the case tomorrow I just hope you manage to put yourself first. It’s too easy for us (the support) to forget ourselves. He’s a fool for pushing you away at the time when he needs stable and useful support.
Keep talking here, we will support you. Big hugs xxx

[lilliep]

Thanks Ariane xx I really appreciate the support here.

Yes the hearing is today, he is certain to get some sort of indirect contact awarded and a proper timeline for direct contact to start with professional help to restablish a relationship with his children, everything he’s wanted. I’m hoping the court will also order psychological counselling, it’s likely, as that may help things and he will have to do it.

The cold and heartless person he is now isn’t the man he was and yes he’s incredibly stupid for pushing me away. The court will view his application for residency or shared care more sympathetically if he has a supportive partner, his solicitor told him that.

Anyway, how is your man doing? Does he have his medication? I really hope so as it seemed to be working really well for him. There should be proper support services for people with depression. Friendly drop in centres to collect repeat prescriptions from so people feel comfortable about going there.

Take care

Lillie xx

Footnote: well he’s been bobbing up and down on messenger all morning updating someone but not me. I didn’t go as I didn’t feel I could but I did think he might update me. As he’s estranged from his family and his mates won’t care I can only imagine he’s found someone new to talk to.

[ariane]

Hi Lillie,

Maybe he is not updating anyone but just go on and off checking his facebook out of boredom? or maybe he did strike a friendship with one of his new workmates and he is chatting to him. or maybe he has a messenger group setup with his drinking mates and they text each other jokes... it could be anything not automatically him updating someone on what is happening. In these situations we always think the worse, i know i do...

Do you want him to update you or do you want him to stop all contact? i know it is probably a hard question to ask as part of you probably wants one option and the other part wants the other. Will either of these options make a difference in the way you are feeling?

My guy seems ok, i spoke to him yesterday when i finished work. he was getting ready to go to counselling. I advised him to call the doctor to get his prescription renewed and collected the next day. Overhere you need to pay €20 for a prescription and i think this is something that is annoying him too. I will talk to him tonight and hopefully he will have done it. (sometimes i feel like a nagging mom to an uncooperative child) I haven't texted him today yet, i am waiting to see if he will text me first. I told him I loved him last night when i wished him good night but he did not reciprocate. He told me last week that when i say i love him he thinks why - why does she love me - how can she love me. there is a long way to go yet...

Look after yourself xx

[lilliep]

Hi Ariane

Thanks, I guess we always do think the worst, I’m certainly guilty of that, and normally it’s nothing like we imagine. I do want to know how it went today, I’ve been going through this with him since the very start. It would prey on my mind if I never knew if all the hard work we did initially paid off. I’ve still not heard but these hearings normally go on for hours as there are three parties involved (him, ex and the children) and whilst this time two of them are in agreement as to how to move forward, one (the ex) will be arguing heavily against any form of contact she doesn’t control and then the order has to get typed up and signed off by the judge before anyone can leave and he’s got a rubbish phone with terrible battery life so it’s probably died by now.

I hope your guy did get his medication. We have to pay here too but for some conditions it’s free. I’m not sure if depression counts though. The unreciprocated ‘I love you’ thing has bugged me for the past 8 months, he’s never said why he can’t say it back, sometimes he just says ‘thank you’ sometimes he just ignores it. It’s sad because he used to say it all the time, randomly sometimes which always made me smile. I think your guy is on the right path though, it may take time but he’s willing to get help and that means a whole lot.

I cheered myself up today by getting a new hamster, mine died a few weeks ago and I missed having a little pet in the living room. So I have bought the sweetest little white and beige baby boy and called him Arys, he’s currently fast asleep but should liven up later, Syrian hamsters are very nocturnal.

Take care

Lillie xx

[james80]

Hi Lillie.

I agree with Ariane. It's not worth torturing yourself imagining watched up to (something we've all done numerous times I'd imagine) he may just be checking Facebook when bored. He may be reading those terrible clickable articles (you'll.never guess what the cast of friends look like now) knowing what we know about them and how they are feeling that sort of thing is far more likely than anything we make up to make ourselves feel worse!

Arys is a great name! I hope he gives you lots of joy.

Since consciously letting go I do feel so much better. It's still hard and I have some days thatbshe better than others but I'm doing ok. I benefit from the fact that my relationship was so short. We've been broken up longer than we were together now. Clinging on seems insane on the face of that. In order to move on I've had to remind myself constantly that she doesn't want to be with me. Depression or not thatbid my reality. I haven't begged and pleaded with her. I haven't issued any ultimatums. Because I sort of just rolled over and accepted everything we are at least in a situation she we can interact. It sucks but I have to almost wipe that part of my life and forget it happened. Again that's the benefit of my situation.

I still have to stifle that flame of hope now and again. Yesterday we were chatting and laughing in the office. It even strayed into what could be seen as flirting behaviour...at least that is how it started to seem. I had to reel back from that, would do me.no good to pursue that train of thought and realistically that is just how we've always interacted. I cant help but think that maybe at some point in the future a sshe continues to emerge from the depression she may miss me at least, if she doesnt already. Even if she still cannot see a future between us. I don't know if I'll ever move on from those sort of thoughts! I wont ever be able to acceot that shr didnt feel thw same way as I dod ij that period! It just seemed so real!

Fallout is the worst. I hope we all get the love we want in the future, with no complications!

[lilliep]

Hi James

Arys is a beige dominant spot Syrian with ruby red eyes, a very handsome and nicely natured hamster.

Is your flame of hope still burning? I can understand why, it’s hard to understand how these people can go from warm and loving to cold and uncaring and you always hope the real them will come back and sometimes you see flashes of the real them and it gives you more hope. For me what’s hard to understand is he was always so openly giving of affection and loved receiving affection, he said it calmed him and made him feel able to cope with things better and yet he denies himself this. The night I stayed over recently he said he missed me and when I asked why he pushed me away he said he didn’t know. Clearly that night the barriers were down but they are now firmly back up.

I sent a message asking how today went and it went really well. He’s got a month of indirect contact then supervised direct contact after that, all funded by Cafcass and provided by specialists in reversing parental alienation. His ex appears to be playing the game but the psychologist did heavily criticise her so she had no choice. Back to court in July when contact will be reviewed and hopefully extended. I’m not contacting him after today, he knows where I am if he wants me but I’m not waiting around for him forever.

Take care

Lillie xx

[james80]

You sound like you've reached a good place to start healing Lillie. That's good. You've spent so long looking after his needs.

Unfortunately yes. Whenever it does I remind myself that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. And that shes with someone else. Like a mantra. The best we can do is heal and move on. And if at aome point in the future they come back the power lies with us whether we take them back. I don't think my ex will...yours though? Maybe. Although it sounds like he needs a lot of healing first.