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Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
bluebell93
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Mar 03, 2018 3:39 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby bluebell93 » Sat Mar 03, 2018 6:06 pm

Thank you both for your replies. I really need help and advice on this, I want to try and wait a few weeks and see if he gets in contact but it’s killing me.

He’s done a long CBT course and he’s on anti depressants but I never thought he was on the best ones for him. I just don’t understand why he came back to me after the fist time and was so sorry and tell me how much he loves me and wants me in his life, and then 3 months later he doesn’t want to be with me again. I don’t know how to feel about it all. Should I have hope he will come back?

If he’s saying he’s not depressed like before has the depression permenantly changed him? My gut feeling is that he’s still not 100% and he is down and that his mind is telling him to perceive things differently. I just can’t belibe that this is the person I know because it’s not. I think it’s the depression clouding his mind. He loved me and was happy a few weeks ago and now he can’t see a future with me, it doesn’t feel the same and he just cares for me. It just doesn’t make sense again and to me it seems like the thoughts of a depressive state.

I’m going to try get on with my life and not think about it constantly but this is awful, the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Thank you for the support it’s nice to be reassured by others in a similar situation that it will be okay.

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Sat Mar 03, 2018 7:36 pm

The pushing and pulling is classic depression behaviour. I think its just indicative of where his mind is at.

You can torture yourself about all the stuff that's happened. How none of it makes sense, because from our side none of it does. But you ultinately wont get any answers. The good news is that if he's actively seeking treatment then there is a muxh better chance he will return. It seems to be from his behaviour that he knows he's still in love with you, whatever his brain is telling him.

You can move on with your life for now, but not shut the door on him it's obvious how much he means to you. If you can somehow let him know that you are still there supporting him, without laying any expectations or pressure on him then I'm sure when he's able to he will appreciate it.

lilliep
Posts: 187
Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby lilliep » Sat Mar 03, 2018 7:59 pm

Hi Bluebell

I’m in a similar position. Been with my guy 4 years and he suddenly overnight decided we weren’t working and he didn’t know if he only loved me as a friend. His depression was triggered by a long and difficult fight to see his children. I’ve been there since Day 1, his ex has accused him of alcoholism, drug taking, domestic violence and even abusing his kids. He’s been arrested, bailed for months, released without charge and investigated by all sorts of people because of her lies. He’s angry and bitter because it’s his children who are suffering and no one listens to him. To start with he would barely talk to me, 7 months on after many ups and downs and setbacks we meet up very week. He messages me and we talk on Skype, he holds my hand, hugs me, kisses me, we even spent a night together recently but he’s not yet said he loves me and he was always telling me that before. I know until his case is over he can’t manage a proper relationship. I’m holding on because I want to believe 4 years and all the lovely things he said to me meant something. Give your man space, take things slowly, in my experience anything emotional like saying you miss him or asking what you did wrong, how can you put things right etc is too much pressure. You need to be strong though, he’s said and done things I find really hurtful but I don’t actually think he realises, empathy is very lacking. Everyone here understands Bluebell and the support is amazing. Thank you everyone, I don’t know what I would have done without you xx

Take care

Lillie xx

bluebell93
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Mar 03, 2018 3:39 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby bluebell93 » Sat Mar 03, 2018 8:55 pm

Thank you james80 for your reply! I think your advice is right I need to try get on with things and if anything does happen again I can be ready for it. Thank you for the support it means so much. I feel so lost and alone right now, he was my best friend and I had no doubt in my mind we would spend the rest of our lives together. It’s such a hard time but it’s reassuring to have help from everyone here. X


Hi Lillie, I hope your doing okay! Sounds like you’ve been through such a tough time! I too am holding on because I know the person I love and know isn’t there right now. He has changed and I hope one day he can realise that I love him no matter what. I just can’t deal that after 5 years the reason he wants to end it is because out of the blue he’s unhappy and something doesn’t feel right but he doesn’t know what. I have no answers and it’s awful but I need to just try and do what everyone’s said on here and focus on myself. Thanks so much for your advice I am going to stay strong and have no contact.

I am really thankful for everyone’s replies! I’ve never done anything like this before I don’t usually post on things but the replies and advice have been really helpful thank you so much everyone! Xx

sallyc
Posts: 107
Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2018 9:46 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby sallyc » Sat Mar 03, 2018 9:58 pm

Hi bluebell. Welcome, wish it wasn't under these circumstances though.

I think we've all had the exact same happen to us. So in love one minute then breaks up with us the next. It's all so confusing. Mine broke up with me in November for a week after telling me hours before he had never loved anyone as much as me. Told me he didn't mean any of what he said and if he ever did it again to bear with him. Two months later he did it again. He's blocked me and unblocked me on Facebook a few times since breaking up with me mid January and I'm guessing he's confused. I've had to make the decision to block him and go no contact, it will be 2 weeks since I asked him not to contact me again as it was so painful and he hasn't. It's heartbreaking but I'm trying to stay strong.

The people on here are amazing and coming on here has helped me a lot. There's some excellent advice here from some lovely people who are all at different stages of what you're going through.

Five years is a long time. I would send him one message saying that you're there for him should he want to talk, no pressure. Then let him contact you. Your mind will be going into overdrive at the moment and you'll be wanting to contact him to make sense of it all but I wouldn't in case he thinks you're pressuring him. But on the other hand you know him and we dont. Make sure to take care of yourself and your needs. Easier said than done, I know. Keep coming here, we'll be here for you xx

arwen2018
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:05 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby arwen2018 » Sat Mar 03, 2018 10:13 pm

Hi Bluebell

Welcome to his forum and thread. So sorry you’re going through a tough time. As James and Lillie said, your situation is typical of depression fallout and they have given good advice. Nothing makes sense and everything is confusing. It’s a positive step that your boyfriend is on medication and is having therapy. The chance of him getting better quicker is higher than someone who is in denial and refuses to get help. Give him space and support him from a distance. Don’t put pressure on him. If or when he comes back to you, put boundaries regarding what you will or won’t tolerate. This forum is of great help to me. I hope it will be of help to you too. It’s a good place to share our experiences and a place to vent.

Sally, me being positive didn’t last. Last night and today have been very hard. I think it’s because last night I went out to a place we went together and I sat opposite the spot where we took a picture. Brought back memories. Today met up with a friend who meant well. However I felt she was very judgemental of how I have been feeling and she couldn’t understand why I was taking so long to get over my ex!! Also news that she’s going on a date tomorrow and news that another friend has been dating for a while now (which I didn’t know about), made me feel sad and envious. I broke down when I got back home. Feeling a void and emptiness, and feeling all alone. The pain has been excruciating.

Lillie, hang in there. You’ve come so far already. Set backs are to be expected. Remember about not having any expectations and not to take things your guy does or doesn’t do personally. You have lines of communication open, he’s put his read receipt back on for your benefit. They are all positives. Let’s hope things will improve soon.

Liveahappylife, so good to hear from you. Hugs to you.

Thinking of you Mimosas, James and Ariane.

xxx

sallyc
Posts: 107
Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2018 9:46 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby sallyc » Sat Mar 03, 2018 10:44 pm

Sorry to hear that Arwen. The ups and downs are exhausting aren't they. I'm guessing your friend doesn't understand because she's not had to deal with a break up with a depressed person? The intensity of feelings we had from our exes is why we're having such a hard time dealing with everything, it doesn't make sense to us. This has, by far, been my hardest ever break up.

I was meant to be going to Manchester with him next Friday to see the Stereophonics so that's going to be another hurdle for me to get over. I'll be thinking all sorts, like has he taken someone else instead of me. I'm dreading it already. On a positive, my friend and I are going to Cardiff on the 11th to watch Wales play rugby, so that will be fun (hopefully!).

Keep strong everyone xx

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Sat Mar 03, 2018 10:56 pm

That's weird Sally I bought tickets to see the stereophonics with my ex!(it's not till the summer though) I'm going to sell them I think.

ariane
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:56 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby ariane » Sun Mar 04, 2018 1:05 pm

Hi all,
Welcome bluebell.
These break ups are so hard because they come out of the blue. Everything is perfect and then it all comes crashing down no reason it just does. So of course we want to know, we did, we probe, we analyze and we blame ourselves. Thing is as hard as it is to accept and as James rightly said very seldom will we get answers.

My guy was supposed to come to me this coming wkend and he now said he wouldn’t because it is too awkward. He wouldn’t even agree to a date for me coming over. I was disappointed and stayed silent on the phone. I am back to ringing him pretty much every day in addition to texts. Shortly after he said no to coming over I told him I had to go but before we hang up he made me promise I would text him in a little while, he always does this now too. When I texted him then he opened up about his level of anxiety, he’s making big changes right now in addition to the meds and the counselling. He struggles a lot with making changes, we texted back and forth, I helped calm him down I think and then we moved on to more light hearted texts.
And I realized then again that him saying no to coming over and not agreeing to a date with me is not him pushing me away but just that his mind is trying to process all these changes and right now the only way it knows how is by panicking. This panic is not giving room to anything else and the effort it took to make these big decisions the last couple of weeks has exhausted his ability to make small decisions such as agreeing to a date to meet me.
The more I interact with him and the more he opens up to me, the more I understand. And although it is hard I do have a lot of empathy and I am grateful that through this he has picked me as one of his support person. To be fair my inability to go no contact may have had a lot to do with this...

Have a nice day everyone xx

james80
Posts: 228
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:28 pm

Re: Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

Postby james80 » Sun Mar 04, 2018 1:49 pm

After not being sure again I am.now of the view she's in a relationship. The Guy has put another photo on his Facebook (I really.need to stop stalking them for my own benefit) which is definitely a relationship photo. Still nothing on her fb and no word from her. Surely I deserve just a short text telling me?
Bizarre and hurtful. Hope you are all ok.


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