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Hating Myself

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Hating Myself

Postby piccolo » Mon Mar 24, 2008 9:13 pm

At the moment I am going through a really bad patch of hating myself. I have always hated myself but lately my thinking has been very vicious towards myself. Today I am hating myself because of my weight. Since starting on anti-psychcotics I have put on a lot of weight and am now the heaviest I have ever been in my life. This is really beginning to get me down and I am struggling to know how to deal with it. I just want to be thin again. I hate myself at this weight.

I really don't know what to do about this situation, it is making me want to cut but of course that will only make me feel worse and hate myself even more.

I want to discuss it with my CPN tomorrow but it is a very sensitive subject and I don't know how to approach it. Also I don't want to upset myself by talking about it and then end up going home and punishing myself for being fat by cutting.

The thoughts of being fat are beginning to take over the whole day and I am getting obsessed with it all. I just so so badly want to be thin again, like I was in my 20's.

I'm sorry for the long rant, but I had to get it out of my system. Thanks for reading.


Re: Hating Myself

Postby Tim » Mon Mar 24, 2008 9:50 pm

What antipsychotic are you on ?

According to this site

It noted that some SGAs have a lower risk of weight-related side effects, and gave doctors information they need to pick low-risk drugs for patients with weight problems.

Clozaril and Zyprexa, the panel said, carry the highest risk of such side effects. Risperdal and Seroquel have an intermediate risk, while Geodon and Abilify cause little or none.

There is some evidence to show that metformin helps with antipsychotic weight gain. ... ptor.shtml

A likely mechanism by which antipsychotic medications trigger weight gain — with its attendant risks of heart disease, diabetes and treatment non-adherence — has been unraveled in mice by NIMH-funded scientists. They demonstrated that an antipsychotic boosted activity of an appetite-inducing enzyme four-fold in a brain region that regulates eating, by blocking a receptor

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Re: Hating Myself

Postby craziememe » Mon Mar 24, 2008 9:56 pm

i struggle with my weight and cutting too, i started on anti pyscotics about 12 months ago am currently taking olanzapine 20mg and promazine 350mg and have put nearly 4 stone on since! i'm the heaviest ive ever been too!
i dunno though i'm sure the people who care about me would rather me be fat and alive than skinny and dead.
i dont no if all anti-pyscotics have the same side effect, i'm seeing my cpn 2moz too and am going to have the same disscusion, i'll let you know how i get on and what i find out.
just wanted to say your not alone though,
take care and keep yourself safe xx

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Re: Hating Myself

Postby piccolo » Mon Mar 24, 2008 10:26 pm

Thanks for the replies. I used to be on olanzapine but came of it in december because of the weight gain. I am now on quietepine, which my psych says is the anti-psych least likely to make me gain weight. I don't want to stop taking quietepine because it really does help the thoughts and urges and voicies etc, but I do need to find some way of losing weight as it is beginning to have a negative effect on my mental health. I am basically stuck between a rock and a hard place. It sucks.


Re: Hating Myself

Postby Tim » Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:02 pm

Do you attend a day centre or have out patient appointments Piccolo? If so it might be worthwhile seeing if they do a 'healthy living' group.

My mh centre does a healthy living group that's done in partnership with Eli Lilly. It differs slightly in format from one group intake to another at my day centre.

On the one i attended it covered such things as motivation/shopping tips/reading and understanding food labels/emotions and feelings/food and mood/exercise advice/alcohol and smoking/what is a good diet/vitamins and minerals etc and they even gave us some quick and easy recipe cards.

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Re: Hating Myself

Postby piccolo » Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:22 pm

I do have appointments with the local CMHT but they don't do a healthy living group. I have decided that when I see my GP next, a week today, I am going to ask for a referral to a dietitician - I think I spelt that wrong! So hopefully the GP will put a referral through for me. I also want to start going swimming again but I am scared to do so because of the many dark purple scars from my self harm.

I know that I need to take a bit of control about my eating but I am scared that I will be too controlling and that it will turn into another form of self harm. Does that make sense. Because at the moment I go from binging to starving and that isn't good.

I also think that maybe I am using my weight as a sort of protection from the world. As in, if I am fat and ugly no one will pay me any attention and then I won't get hurt.

I don't know. I just know I hate it.

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Re: Hating Myself

Postby piccolo » Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:16 pm

Tried to talk to my CPN about the weight issue yesterday but he didn't really help. He made comments like, 'you managed to stop drinking to you can manage to lose weight' and 'I don't think you really want to lose weight do you?' Thanks for that mister CPN, really confidence boosting.

So looks like my last hope is getting a referral to a dietician when I see my GP next week, because the way I'm trying to lose weight at the moment is really unhealthy.

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Re: Hating Myself

Postby so sad » Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:49 am

Hi Piccolo

Have you thought about a slimming group? I know they are not everyones cup of tea but I lost 4 stone on slimming world in just under 12 months. You don't have to be social if you don't want to (I rarely was) but you could explain it to the leader and just go to get weighed and get the info. Its a great eating plan and I was rarely hungry on it which is a major feat in itself. If you want anymore info on it please pm me. i would really recommend it - there is an online version of it so if meetings would be too much for you then there is an alternative.

Please don't hate yourself for it though - you deserve love not hate

Take care


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Re: Hating Myself

Postby mld » Thu Mar 27, 2008 10:01 am

Can really empathise with you here. I'm on mirtazapine (A/dep) which is great for putting on weight!!! So I put on a stone and a half in ten weeks. Then the psych put me on abilify as well, because I don't want anymore weight gain.

I'm walking 5 miles a day, which over 7 days is 1Lb weight loss, supposedly. But I can only do 4 or 5 on average perweek, so everything is going slowly, BUT I have lost weight by walking everywhere & more.

Exercise is great as I can't eat when I'm walking and it also picks up my mood. The more I walk the happier I am.

Give it a try and see, but as the experts say you have to do something for 6 weeks before it becomes a habit and I'm still struggling to make it a habit!

Anyway, I am 4Lb lighter than 8 weeks ago - so I have to hope that every day will get a little better.

In the meantime I hope that you can get the support you need to change meds, or help with the dietitian (I can't spell it either).


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