I don't even know what to type to start things off. I have started hurting myself after many, many years of not doing it. But right now it just feels like an acceptance of who/what I am, it is certainly not a healthy coping mechanism but it keeps me alive and able to sleep or relax. I keep it hidden so it's not like anyone will find out. I have had mental health problems since 16. I was bullied in school for how I looked (just basically obese, ginger hair and ugly). After school I thought it would stop but was often abused in the street or had men saying negative things which just stripped away any self-esteem I had.
I have been through different therapy and attended support groups but, especially with the support groups I find it hard to relate to the people there. I have sympathy and empathy and wish they didn't have to face the things they have, poor mental health is crap & I know that. But at the same I usually hear about romantic relationships or issues with children, etc. And for someone who has never had a relationship or even been asked out on a date I find it touches a nerve. I know that's unfair and I make sure not to say anything negative or dismissive. So mostly I just don't say anything and have stopped going (pre-pandemic, I mean).
At the ripe old age of 35 I have pretty much accepted that a relationship will never happen. I do practice self-care, listening to music I find comforting, have some of my favourite food, do positive things that I will enjoy, etc. I even got back into gaming and bought a PS2 and a PS4 so I can play games that I used to as teenager and new ones, it's entertaining and distracting. But is that it? Is that going to be it until I die from old age? I just wish they did suicide kits as a kindness. Obviously screening like legal euthanasia in other European countries.
I haven't got a plan or anything and have become a lot more mellow lately but feel like I am bobbing along with no future.