Another one.

[vates]

I don't even know what to type to start things off. I have started hurting myself after many, many years of not doing it. But right now it just feels like an acceptance of who/what I am, it is certainly not a healthy coping mechanism but it keeps me alive and able to sleep or relax. I keep it hidden so it's not like anyone will find out. I have had mental health problems since 16. I was bullied in school for how I looked (just basically obese, ginger hair and ugly). After school I thought it would stop but was often abused in the street or had men saying negative things which just stripped away any self-esteem I had.

I have been through different therapy and attended support groups but, especially with the support groups I find it hard to relate to the people there. I have sympathy and empathy and wish they didn't have to face the things they have, poor mental health is crap & I know that. But at the same I usually hear about romantic relationships or issues with children, etc. And for someone who has never had a relationship or even been asked out on a date I find it touches a nerve. I know that's unfair and I make sure not to say anything negative or dismissive. So mostly I just don't say anything and have stopped going (pre-pandemic, I mean).

At the ripe old age of 35 I have pretty much accepted that a relationship will never happen. I do practice self-care, listening to music I find comforting, have some of my favourite food, do positive things that I will enjoy, etc. I even got back into gaming and bought a PS2 and a PS4 so I can play games that I used to as teenager and new ones, it's entertaining and distracting. But is that it? Is that going to be it until I die from old age? I just wish they did suicide kits as a kindness. Obviously screening like legal euthanasia in other European countries.

I haven't got a plan or anything and have become a lot more mellow lately but feel like I am bobbing along with no future.

[c.j.]

Do you still have weight issues? I've been trying to lose weight for many years since I stopped smoking. Have you tried dating apps?

[vates]

Hi c.j, yes I am still obese. I just hope to eat less in order to get smaller. I am a smoker but I am trying to quit in the new year so will monitor my daily calories in great detail to try and stay on track.

No bites from dating apps and have tried. Tried the ugly bug ball and more mainstream ones. It just makes me fee small and insignificant when my family say 'you could meet someone at some point' and them not having the idea that I have tried that already, lol. They love me because I am family, doesn't matter that I look like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Hope you're having an ok day. Thanks for replying.

[c.j.]

Just finished shift for the day so very pleased. I'm on the go constantly though so don't get much rest! Late start tomorrow so will try make the most of it. I feel sleep is the best way for me to lose weight although I seem to be stuck on 16.5 stone (was going between 15 stone and 16 stone for years, then jumpted to 16.5 stone since first lockdown).

Really going to give it more effort to exercise (a lot but lightly) as it really helps my mental state.

[vates]

Thank you, c.j. for sharing. Hope your shift is going/goes ok. I recently lost 2 and half stones but only dropped one dress size. I am heavier than you and know the struggle. I have been eating a much better diet the last four months but currently having a blip. I am craving cheese and chocolate mainly. Although I have noticed the difference in my clothes it isn't physically noticeable but my Sister who I see once a week has been very supportive and encouraging which is nice.

Lockdown was tough, I stayed the same weight through lockdown because I was fed up with food in the end. Which is bizarre because I get obsessive with food usually. And then from August to November I lost over 30lbs in weight.

I have been emailing the Samaritans for support these past few days and doing my usual self-care stuff to try and drag me out of a hole. I just often get sad that I am missing out on life in general, as in having friends and a relationship. I am low but still clinging on the edge right now.

[c.j.]

It went ok. I'm leaving the job at the end of January 2021 and not too dissapointed as it's customer services and quite stressful. Hoping to take a better career path although a bit daunting especially with the current situation.

Good to hear you have your sister for company. Are you close with her? I'm on civil terms with my brother but gave up trying with him as he never seemed interested in being sociable with me!

Bought some honey from the shop to have with hot water for a detox and it's seems to have settled me quite nice so going to give this a go for a while.

Where abouts in the country are you?

[vates]

Customer services must be tough! I wish you all the best for future jobs and hope you are treated well in them. I had a job for a few months as a teen on the tills at Boots and it wasn't fun. I had some rude comments and requests just from my brief job.

I see my Sister once a week, every Tuesday and she gets my food shop for me. She's currently working from home so I get to snuggle the whippets (she has two) on the sofa for the day. Before the pandemic hit I used to catch a bus over twice a week to look after them while Sister and Brother In Law were at work. I adore them, I am alive because of those two. Humans just don't compare. Although you can meet nice humans too, probably. Sorry to hear about your Brother. My Sister hated me growing up. She once said to me at 15 'If I were as ugly and fat as you then I'd kill myself', generally bullied me horribly until our 20's. At 25 she got her first dog and asked me if I'd like to catch the bus over and spend some time with him. I have always loved her but didn't like her personality until she got the dog. She's much nicer these days!

I've heard honey and lemon in hot water or tea is nice. I actually had a teaspoon of honey because I had a cough last night and it worked.

I am in Gloucestershire. Take care.

[c.j.]

Aww. They are ok when they are someone elses. I had one a few years ago but gave him away as I was at work most times and took too much looking after. I have a cat now (not my choice and nagged persistently by the mrs for it). Not enjoying being woken up through the night every night.

[vates]

I used to keep rats and want to get more. My Sister says I should. I haven't had any in 5 years now but have had the giant cage taking up a 2/3's of my hallway for those years 'just in case'. They only live 2 to 3 years so it is heartbreak central with them dying.

Cats are gorgeous too though, I think. I couldn't have a dog as I don't have access to a garden and live on the first floor. My Godmother is trying to locate a new flat with a garden so I can have a dog but I have told her not to push as I don't want to have to move unless absolutely necessary.

I am always on call for whippet duty. Longest was 2 weeks dogsitting while they were in Hong Kong. I sleep lightly anyway so was jumping up whenever they needed to go out, even at 3am. I think the whippets get the rawer end of the deal as I sing to them and no, I cannot hold a tune. I loved every minute and especially having them to hold in the night when I had intrusive thoughts. But the male whippet seems to know when I am stressed and always puts his head on me.

[c.j.]

Aww. Yeah, moving isn't nice. I bought my house a few years ago when I left home, not the best area, the estate is a bit rough, but I was quite happy with it as it was my own and freedom!

My gf moved in a couple years later and has done nothing but criticise the house which got/gets me real down.