Lockdown has really shone a light over how little control I have.
So basically I'm married. I had two mc, then we lost our child shortly after birth. Then went on to have our 2nd eldest.
I didnt want to go through pregnancy again. As it was so awful. Constant fear the baby would die too. The quiet afterwards felt like eternity until my 2nd eldest cried after birth.
Clearly traumatic. I didnt want another child.
I got so much grief from the MIL regarding my child being an "only child" and you have probably heard the rubbish some say about only children. Bleh!
We agreed to look at adopting. Or surrogacy if needed.
However we had to wait until our child was a certain age. So we did.. we were a month away when DH mentions it to his mum
And she then tells us horror stories of her friends who had adopted. And how they regretted it. Worst thing ever. And that we would get screwed over with surrogacy.
Clearly her opinion meant a lot. So adoption and surrogacy was scrapped.
So then I was under pressure to have one naturally. Husbnd really wanted another.
So I explained my fears and doubts and he wouldn't budge. So I did it for him. We had another miscarriage.
And it took 2 and a half years to then get pregnant with our 2nd living but 3rd child.
We then waited a few years and started trying again.. but mother in law was told. And completely put husband off..bearing in mind she has 3 children....
She mentioned how its better when going on holiday as its always family of 4... we wouldn't fit 3 kids in the car. (5 seater...)
And went on so much. So after months of trying he said he didn't want to anymore.
But promised adoption or fostering to adopt.
His mum then put pressure on me to get him to have a vasectomy...and I was also doing italk where the woman would tell me I was lucky. And should support my husband if he wants one. That it was selfish to force him to have another child.
That i had 2. I totally caved and let him do it
Worst thing ever.
I regret this so much. And I believe my husband is leading me on to adoption and fostering.
I believe I won't have anymore.
I am so angry. All I can think about is how much I have allowed myself to be controlled.
And because I want him happy, I've allowed it all.
But I am miserable. I want one more baby. I really want to do everything I should have done. I want to be able to enjoy it more.
I always emotionally distanced myself from my babies as i was sure they would die.
I am just so angry.
I have asked thst he reverse the vasectomy but its been 5 years now. So i think its only 50%
She controls so much of my life other than this too. Lockdown has really opened my eyes.
Can I get over the loss of never having anymore children? Will this anger go away?
I know I am being incredibly selfish with this. And I am blessed to have two living children. I know:(