I have always been alone. Even when I have had relationships (I was once even married), I have always felt alone. As I child I played alone and learned how to survive alone. I learned how to look happy for people, but those who were let in got to see me without the happy face and couldn't cope with what was underneath the veneer, because I couldn't. So I have always been alone.
I'm now nearly 60 and I'm tired of it. The people who know me will say I have friends, that everybody likes me. I say I have lots of acquaintances, but no friends, because there is no-one in the world that I feel I can appear vulnerable to.
The latest situation - don't want to talk about it here particularly - leaves me utterly in despair at my incompetence and really hating myself.
I really wanted to talk to someone today, just to make me feel better, but I went through my contact list and there wasn't a single one I could talk to, either because of the confidentiality or because they wouldn't understand.
It was one of the most demoralising things I have ever done. So I went for a drive and then a walk just to get out of the house really.
Now? Well I suppose I'll just go to bed.
Trouble is, I know when I get there I won't sleep well. I could try having a drink. but that generally just makes me worse in the morning. So I'll go to bed without. During the night I'll wake very half hour or so and in the morning as soon as the usual suicidal thoughts enter my head, I won't be able to doze back off. They will stay around till I force myself out of bed - It's been the same for most of the last 30 years, it won't change. I'll never act the thoughts out, because I can't. I always think about the person that would find me, the family and friends that would blame themselves etc and that always stops me. After I get up, most days they won't come back but recently I can't even bank on that.
So, I'll get up and face the day and be just as alone as I have been today. I have a meeting in the afternoon and it'll be the usual "alone in the crowd" scenario for me. The happy smiling face I learned when I was 8 will go on and once again it will get me through, but I am tired of wearing that face. I've worn it almost every day of my life and I suppose I just want someone to see me without that face and not see what I see.
Oh, I just want to go to bed and not wake up. But I will wake up, because I always do!
And Groundhog Day will start all over again!