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Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
littleem
Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Thu Feb 27, 2020 11:08 pm

Hey Mm,

I'm glad that church helps you sometimes. It sometimes helps me, too.

I think everything happened so suddenly....

Job loss. Relationship ended. Moved out. All in just ten days.

I'm sad about why I lost my job. I miss parts of the relationship.
I don't like living at home but I didn't like the bedsit either.

Then the disappointment about not being able to make the community visit. - too much too soon.

My mum.... she cares but we clash. I want sympathy and someone to listen. She blames my mood on pms regardless of the time scale and notes that I'm not as bad as I was. She remains happy and almost indifferent. I'm irritated so I drone on and disclose the suicidal thoughts, that I have smacked my head repeatedly today and resisted burning myself, and she notes my poor eating habits (I've been having daily diarrhoea for a week....) Eventually, she gets pissed off and moody then I feel tremendous guilt and start apologising which brings me shame for my MH struggles and perpetuates the suicidal thoughts.

I'm sorry to hear that someone you cared for belittled you. X

bevdutt
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Feb 04, 2020 3:33 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby bevdutt » Fri Feb 28, 2020 4:26 am

Hi, I know how you feel, I was on meds for 9 years then came off a few months ago, only to be told I need to go back on them as I feel the same as you. I don't want to live, I lost my husband 5 years ago and never got over it, I moved my son and his family in with me but I no longer feel I have a life. I don't want to say anything to my best friend as I think she must be fed up. I keep on thinking of ways to due but then how people will react if I go, I don't feel there is a future, am scared and worried. If I go back on tablets I feel a failure. Am in this bubble and there's no way out, so your not alone

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so sad
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Fri Feb 28, 2020 9:57 am

Hi Em

I'm sorry that you're feeling so depressed. You've had such a lot going on and its all bound to make you feel vulnerable and sad. I do think you need to reconsider the meds situation. I know what you mean about them making you feel so flat but it sounds like you're going too far the other way.

I do struggle with the invalidation from people. I know we can't expect others to totally understand how it feels because how could they but I do think they need to accept that how you feel is how you feel and not try to make it in something else, something that they themselves can manage easier. Its frustrating (to say the least) and belittling. My partner does it a lot.

Have you spoken to CMHT recently about all of this? Are you eating ok? Do you think the diarrhoea is down to whats been going on? I get that your Mum must worry about your weight but I'm assuming its more under control than previously - hope I'm not stepping out of line here, sorry if I am.

I do worry about your suicidal thoughts - I know that having the thoughts doesn't necessarily equate to having plans but I know also that's its a horrible place for your head to be. It becomes an obsession for me, something that my brain just can't stop thinking about. Its awful.

I've got my niece staying over tomorrow. She is 4 and I love her so much. Although I love being with her, its hard work. She wants to be constantly entertained and I never sleep well when she stays over (she does) so I'll end up being exhausted by Monday, just in time for another week at work.

love

Mx

littleem
Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Fri Feb 28, 2020 1:47 pm

Hi bevdutt,

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way.

Did you feel more able to cope when you were on medication?
Did the medication alleviate or stop the suicidal thoughts and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that you are currently experiencing?

It's not a failure to take medication. If you had a physical illness, ceased treatment, and had symptoms again then I am sure you wouldn't consider it a failure to take the medication again. Coming off medication (regardless of it proving effective or not) takes motivation, courage and commitment. Taking them again because you need them shows self awareness, humility and self care.

I've tried to come off sertraline twice previously. The symptoms came back much more quickly than this third time around now.
In some sense, I wish I'd never come off but then I would always have wondered and wanted to. So, hopefully should they kick back in soon, I will feel the benefit from them.

Your best friend won't be fed up of you. They will be saddened that a condition is impacting on their best friend out of genuine care, love and concern. If they are 'fed up', it would only be with the depression - and not with you.

We can be reassured that, although miserable, we are not the only ones enduring this misery. Recognise the chemical imbalance in your brain (as though it were a physical ailment if it helps) and be reassured that there is a remedy to at least alleviate it.

When will you re-start the anti depressants?

Take care of yourself xx

littleem
Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Fri Feb 28, 2020 4:35 pm

Hi M,

Thanks. I guess it's about moving on from this now.
I can work. I can live independently. I can have a relationship.
It's about refocusing my goals. I can have these things again, but differently.

I've got some sertraline for the weekend. I've come off it twice before, have felt horrendous, went back on it and the symptoms eased.

They did emotionally flat-line me, but I would rather that than this. .... :cry:

I'm reluctant to try a different med.
Mirtazapine gave me panic attacks and clomipramine gave a lot of horrible physical side effects and did nothing for the low mood.
Sertraline worked. It leveled me, helped me to cope (thanks to the emotional numbing) with no unpleasant side effects (other than numbing/flat lining).

I do think they need to accept that how you feel is how you feel and not try to make it in something else


Arrgh! This made me think of my mother always blaming my depression on pms. Pms exacerbates it, yeah, but I don't have pms every week. It's so frustrating. I feel like saying, "Just let me be depressed!"

I had therapy today with the eating disorders team.
She thinks I need the medication again. She thinks that the medication will make me stable and ease the depression. We only have four sessions left. She wants the depression to lift first so that we can focus on these sessions for relapse prevention and maintenance.

My CPN/care coordinator (who is my only point of contact now from the cmht) is on leave this week, but she's good at getting back to me so I'm sure we'll speak on Monday.

You're definitely not stepping out of line. :) My body mass index is 17.5 which takes me out of the 'anorexia' zone. I can thus say, physically I am no longer anorexic, which is a massive improvement. It puts me at underweight but I'm only little anyways and I have regular cycles which is the biggest indicator of restored physical health.

That said, my mood does affect my eating. Not to the extent where I am restricting to lose weight, but it's more of a case that I just can't be arsed with eating so I'll eat rubbish, 'weird food'... or not very much. It's not problematic though.

I feel weird. Like I've gone full circle and ended up at square one.... but as a different person.
Does that make sense? Like, I feel as bad as back then but I also don't and I'm also not.
It's like, "hang on! How'd I get here? I was just working and functioning and okay and .... huh?!"

Very strange sensation. I'm also acutely aware that, no matter how bad I feel, but because of how far I had to go to get help (near death), how far I've come since then and how frickin' long it's taken (3.5 years!), I can't - and won't - ever go backwards.

No idea re. diarrhoea.... Only other time I've experienced it like this (but like a million times worse! :lol: ) was in India. Sorry if I'm oversharing.... it wasn't until whatever bug that was in me (they queried typhoid) got, erm, 'out' of me.... :oops: .... that the diarrhoea stopped. It feels like I need to, erm, get the bug out. :oops: But I've had it now daily for a week.... I stopped my iron tablets because I thought it might have been them but no change. I don't know.

I can relate with the little niece. I love mine to bits too, but I can only cope with little bursts!
Does she have to sleep over? Could she (all in the nicest way possible obviously) go home early, so you have time to recharge for work?

I hope that you enjoy your time with her this weekend. I did treat myself to something, in the end.... a lovely long soak in the hot bath and painted my nails. :)

Did the cmht get back to you today?

Thanks for your continued support. xx

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so sad
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Fri Feb 28, 2020 4:55 pm

Hi

Its really good that you can see that you can move on and you can achieve what you want, just on a different level. I think its easy at times to think we can do x, y and z which we can do but maybe not all at once and they may look at bit different when we get there.
Sertraline sounds like a plan. Have you got any ‘in stock’ so you can start straight away?

The whole blaming pms thing is infuriating. Like you said, you’ve not got it 24/7. My hormones are all over the place and I know that contributes to my condition but doesn’t cause it.

I know food is an important part of maintaining mental health. By that, I mean about sugars and hormones and gut bacteria etc. I’m off to an event next week with my sister (evening out without the partner so quite a big deal) and its mainly about hormone health plus diet and some NLP. Should be interesting. I’ve been eating utter rubbish for about 3 weeks and I feel crap for it. I’m funny about what weight I ‘should’ be and I’m nowhere near. I try to get there by eating healthily but I’m always in a rush to get there. I’m awful at beating myself up about it and hate what I see in the mirror.
I go get the ‘full circle but as a different person’. For me, its like I feel as bad as I have in the past but in a different way. Still as bad but reacting differently maybe.
I feel weird. Like I've gone full circle and ended up at square one.... but as a different person.
Does that make sense? Like, I feel as bad as back then but I also don't and I'm also not.
It's like, "hang on! How'd I get here? I was just working and functioning and okay and .... huh?!"

Tummy troubles – I agree, better to get the bug out and that’s the best way to get it out I guess. Maybe if you still have it next week, its worth checking in with the doc or even a pharmacist.

I can’t hand my niece back early this time as my sister and her husband are away overnight. I would love to though! I just have to accept that I have a too-busy weekend and I’m going to be knackered. I have a busy week next week as well so that’s not good.

Well done on the bath and nails – sounds lovely. We do have to treat ourselves – self care and all that.

I hope the meds kick in soon (never quick enough though) and that you have a lovely weekend.

Thank you for your support too :)

Mx

littleem
Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Fri Feb 28, 2020 10:07 pm

Thanks.

I've started back on the pills.
I've also got a new job that starts this Tuesday. (which I feel good about, thank you therapist. You were worth your 18 month waiting list after all.... ;) :lol: hehe sorry, cynicism..... :roll:

The hormone, nutrition and NLP event sounds really interesting and beneficial. Please do share once you've been! :)
So nice that you are going just you and your sister!! Really positive step. Good for you! :)

Oh, you are a "Super Aunty M/Em" like me then. ;) I hope you have some fun together and that there will be a promise of rest and relaxation in the near future for you!!

Pharmacist said the stomach sounds viral. If it continues, then go to the doctor. I've got these really disgusting burps.... like sulphur.... they smell like drains!! :lol: Good job I'm not in a relationship after all!! :lol:

Thanks, it's my baby nieces baptism on Sunday so tomorrow will be baptism gift shopping for me between the rain showers.... last minute as ever ;)

Much love x

littleem
Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Fri Feb 28, 2020 10:26 pm

P.S. I took 200mg sertraline. Feel a bit queezy. May have been too much. May just be the dodgy stomach.

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so sad
Posts: 226
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Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Mon Mar 02, 2020 10:14 am

Hi

Glad you went to the pharmacist - are you any better?

What the lowest dose of sertraline you can start on? Might just be your body adjusting - any better now?

The weekend was OK - niece was great, she is so well behaved, took her to the cinema and then did some baking and crafty stuff. I love having her but I am very anxious when she is here, no idea why, so I'm exhausted.

How did the baptism go? Hope you enjoyed it and felt OK to be there.

My mood dropped a lot over the weekend so feeling really low plus the usual anxiety - want to scream to run away :cry:

What job is it? Really pleased for you.

Hope you're OK

Mx

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so sad
Posts: 226
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:28 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Tue Mar 03, 2020 4:28 pm

Hi Em

Are you OK?

Hope your first day went well

xx


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