Thanks. I guess it's about moving on
from this now.
work. I can
live independently. I can
have a relationship.
It's about refocusing my goals. I can have these things again, but differently.
I've got some sertraline for the weekend. I've come off it twice before, have felt horrendous
, went back on it and the symptoms eased.
They did emotionally flat-line me, but I would rather that
I'm reluctant to try a different med.
Mirtazapine gave me panic attacks and clomipramine gave a lot of horrible physical side effects and did nothing for the low mood.
Sertraline worked. It leveled me, helped me to cope (thanks to the emotional numbing) with no unpleasant side effects (other than numbing/flat lining).
I do think they need to accept that how you feel is how you feel and not try to make it in something else
Arrgh! This made me think of my mother always blaming my depression on pms. Pms exacerbates it, yeah, but I don't have pms every week. It's so frustrating. I feel like saying, "Just let me be depressed!"
I had therapy today with the eating disorders team.
She thinks I need the medication again. She thinks that the medication will make me stable and ease the depression. We only have four sessions left. She wants the depression to lift first so that we can focus on these sessions for relapse prevention and maintenance.
My CPN/care coordinator (who is my only point of contact now from the cmht) is on leave this week, but she's good at getting back to me so I'm sure we'll speak on Monday.
You're definitely not stepping out of line.
My body mass index is 17.5 which takes me out of the 'anorexia' zone. I can thus say, physically I am no longer anorexic, which is a massive improvement. It puts me at underweight but I'm only little anyways and I have regular cycles which is the biggest indicator of restored physical health.
That said, my mood does affect my eating. Not to the extent where I am restricting to lose weight, but it's more of a case that I just can't be arsed with eating so I'll eat rubbish, 'weird food'... or not very much. It's not problematic though.
I feel weird. Like I've gone full circle and ended up at square one.... but as a different person.
Does that make sense? Like, I feel as bad as back then but I also don't and I'm also not.
It's like, "hang on! How'd I get here? I was just working and functioning and okay and .... huh?!"
Very strange sensation. I'm also acutely aware that, no matter how bad I feel, but because of how far I had to go to get help (near death), how far I've come since then and how frickin' long it's taken (3.5 years!), I can't - and won't - ever go backwards.
No idea re. diarrhoea.... Only other time I've experienced it like this (but like a million times worse!
) was in India. Sorry if I'm oversharing.... it wasn't until whatever bug that was in me (they queried typhoid) got, erm, 'out' of me....
.... that the diarrhoea stopped. It feels like I need to, erm, get the bug out.
But I've had it now daily for a week.... I stopped my iron tablets because I thought it might have been them but no change. I don't know.
I can relate with the little niece. I love mine to bits too, but I can only cope with little bursts!
Does she have to sleep over? Could she (all in the nicest way possible obviously) go home early, so you have time to recharge for work?
I hope that you enjoy your time with her this weekend. I did treat myself to something, in the end.... a lovely long soak in the hot bath and painted my nails.
Did the cmht get back to you today?
Thanks for your continued support. xx