Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

[littleem]

Thanks PryceJosh,

Hope you are keeping well. Take care, x

[so sad]

Hi Em

I was starting to worry about you - are you OK?

Things are all a bit too much at my end. Having work done on the house and because whoever had it years ago did major botch jobs, we're now finding all sorts of stuff wrong with it. Having problems with my partner as well - its all too much.

I was due to have my niece staying over on Friday but we have a local lockdown on so we can't and I'm upset about it. If people just followed the damn rules then we wouldn't be in this position. I'm sick of seeing people doing what they want, never mind the consequences. Needless to say I'm pretty angry at the moment.

Anyway, how are you? Is work OK and how are things with the boyfriend?

Hope everything is going OK.

Take great care and look forward to hearing from you

Mx

[littleem]

Hi M

Lovely to hear from you. Do excuse my very delayed reply. I didn't mean to cause any worry.

Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear that life feels very stressful at present.
If it helps at all, reassure yourself that your feelings are entirely reasonable and expected.
Try to focus on the eventual outcome that the botch jobs will be fixed and it will look better.

I can relate somewhat. When we moved house a week before Christmas (as you do ) the place needed a LOT of work. Let's just say the previous owners had, erm, loose bladders (carpet stench), and that they cooked only ever with grease (every area of the kitchen was sticky):lol: The wooden floor even had nails sticking out of it for some bizarre reason. The garden was bare - just earth and stones.

Whilst the middle bit between moving in and how it looks now was, for my parents, highly stressful, what they've done with the place is honestly lovely.
So try to keep positive. I hope you are still making some time for yourself. <3 *hugs*

Perhaps a (weather dependent) stroll outside. Get out of the house and have some space maybe?
Have you been doing pilates or gardening? I hope your shoulder is better now, too.

That's really disappointing about your niece and the whole local lockdown situation.
Your anger is entirely justified. Oh, I've had my fair share of rants. Just remember that you are playing your part in keeping yourself and others safe and well.
I hope the restrictions will be lifted for you soon.

Has your lovely GP friend contacted you yet?
How are the meds/psych/care co/cmht etc. ?
Have you met your new GP?
Did you get in touch with anyone from your DBT group?

I'm sorry to hear things are difficult with your partner. *hugs*

Has working from home become any easier? I do hope so.

So many questions. No pressure to answer any of them.

I'm good thanks. Work has been full-on. I've just finished seven days on the trot and I'm back in tomorrow. I do enjoy it though.

I've had a LOT of agro at work - two-faced bitchy women, criticism, tears, grassing - but I've come through it. Bit apprehensive because a temporary laundry assistant is starting her induction today and a full time cleaner is coming back from shielding so I'm a little worried that my hours are going to decrease.

I spoke to the deputy manager who reassured me that there will always be plenty of hours.
They're always short on care but (due to bitchy staff) I don't want to do care work, really.
The only place they aren't short is in the kitchen.

Classic pro-active me has therefore been applying for second jobs. I've an informal chat tomorrow night at a local pub. Sure, it's kitchen work but I'd rather that than nothing especially after the boredom of lockdown and with my boyfriend being back in full time work.

Things with the boyfriend are, for the most part, really good. We had a romantic night away last month and have a weekend away booked for the end of September.

Every relationship has it's problems and I'm remaining alert to a few alarm bells around his seemingly controlling and guilt-tripping behaviour and his frequent hypersensitivity to and questioning of my facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, actions, quietness and language which all feeds into my dormant insecurity of being inadequate (am I moody? snappy? aggressive? rude? lazy? selfish? unrefined? and ultimately, bad? ) and triggers negative thoughts such as "It's my fault" and "I am less".

I felt very uncomfortable at his flat last week. He wanted me to stay over another night and, because I wasn't going to and had pre-planned not to, he literally lay face-down on his bed saying nothing whilst I asked what was wrong. I felt really uneasy (not afraid, it was just weird) and pressured. I surprised myself by starting to cry! But I do talk to my mum about this (her father was very controlling in her parent's marriage but to a much worse extent) and I do talk to my partner about how this all makes me feel. We resolve things.

One thing he said to me once was "I have a temper, but you'll never see it" which is unrealistic and also a bit concerning. Is his temper so bad that I can't see it? His mother also said of their relationship, "we get on well but we do fight like hell" to which he denied.

He can get on a bit of a downer sometimes, too. I support him but try to uphold self-preservation.

But honestly, there is so much good in him and about our relationship, too! Although he is a bit of a hypochondriac who takes a home covid-19 test for a morning sore throat caused by sleeping in a hot room and cured instantly by a glass of cold water.

I don't think we'll see each other as much now with us both working full time. We miss each other but it does give the relationship a healthier balance.

So my counselling course is due to start on the 10th October. I'm really looking forward to it.

I'd like to meet some (or even just one) friend this year. Especially with the thought of not seeing my boyfriend so much now, I do feel a bit bored and lonely sometimes. Just like I would like to go out and about with a friend but it's so hard meeting people in my local area.

I contacted my support group on our group chat. All bar one member plus the group organiser out of the ones I get on with most have left the group. I popped a message to everyone the other night but had one reply. It's gone very quiet, unfortunately. It's understandable though, what with the length of time it's been since we all met last and lockdown and people generally getting on with their own thing. It's a shame, but I get it.

Aaaaaaaanyways. Nothing from me for months and then booya! A novel.

Sending love, hugs and positive vibes.

I hope you have a brighter week.

Em x

[so sad]

Hi

Great to hear from you.

Glad work is going ok but such a shame about the bitchy staff. I don't understand people who are like that, I really don't
It takes so much energy and negative energy at that. You've done so well to keep going through it, i rhink I would have bailed. I admire your strength.

Sounds like the relationship is going well. I'm so pleased you've had a romamtic night together and have a weekend planned. He does sound a bit controlling, sorry , don't want to be negative but his behaviour does sound a bit manipulative at times but I'm glad the good well outweighs the not so good.

I haven't heard from my old GP. I am really disappointed to be honest and I'm trying desperately not to take.it personally. When we last spoke she said she would be in touch in a couplw of weeks and that was 10 weeks ago. I'm torn between worrying about her and being upset that she hasn't done what she said she would. I do miss her.

I still don't like working from home and having workmen in is a real problem as its hard to find somewhere quiet and private that stoll has internet connection. I still feel like I'm failing.

The new dose of meds is making no difference unfortunately. Maybe I'll never react well to meds which is a acary thought.
I'm losing faith with my care coordinator, he doesn't really listen to me which leaves me feeling frustrated and irritated.

I'm away at the moment on a short break. Hoping the change in scenery helps both me and the relationship although i doubt it to be honest.

Hope you've secured more hours and good luck with the second job. You're much braver than me.

Hugs and love

M x

[sai hope]

Hey em

Your post moved me. I feel you. Depression, insecurity, anxiety, lack of direction and self love

Ahh. I noticed one thing tho. You know what you don't want and yet you it. The job, the bf.

Just remember.. go to your childhood version. Have some good memories there? If so, go and relive it. You have 1 or 2 people in your life whom you trust and like to hang out with? Keep them CLOSE.

Connectivity is the cure all em. Believe me. Connect with people. Not many, just some of those people who ae close to our hearts. Keep them close and everything will be alright!

Hope this helped!

[littleem]

Hi M!

Long time no speak. I'm sorry for the late reply.

How are you?

Work is going well. I am sticking to the one job as hours always seem to materialise. The Queen Bitch has also recently been moved out of my department which is great.

I love aspects of our relationship. He has been very pressurising recently with wanting me to move into his flat with his mother. Why can't I have a partner who looks into our future without a parent tagging along?! I finally told him a loud and clear, "no". I explained that if he can't accept that when I look into our future I want it to be just him and I then it seems that this wouldn't work. He took that as me breaking up with him and so I then had him crying on the phone. Eventually, he accepted it. He didn't get my adult decision but he has promised to stop persuading me that living with him, his mother (with whom he frequently argues), his dog (who gets so overexcited when she sees me that I can't be in the same room as her) and his stupid xbox (I am not a gamer) in a small two-bed flat is a great idea.

He gets very low, anxious about coronavirus, and lonely. He offloads all his crap to me and then the next day he feels great and everything is sunshine and rainbows again, but I'm left mentally drained. I'm not his therapist like!! I want to help him (my nature is to problem solve), but he has an excuse for every suggestion I make.

His nit-picking and questioning as to whether I am okay have even featured in our text messages. Apparently "Hey" without a smiley face, four certain emojis and "lol" imply negativity, sarcasm, a bad mood (me) and an abrupt closure to the conversation (again, me). Get a grip.

Last little rant. A couple of weeks ago, he expressed his concerns to me that I had lost weight.
I appreciate that must have been a big thing for him to do. Then last week, my mother blurted out to him all about my history of anorexia. It was the first time we'd sat down and talked about anything as a couple with just my parents. Not like my mother to be overdramatic. Anyways, fortunately I'd already told him everything.

So when we met up a couple of nights ago, he said don't eat before I come as we'll eat something together. Fine. Then he's anxious about busy places and don't get any food. (He buys himself a donut. I don't like donuts but whatever. He does. ) As we're leaving for me to get a train home, he says "I hope your mother won't think what am I playing at by us not having food again tonight" (this has happened twice before). He made out he was going to a supermarket to buy us something but "it was too late and we'd passed it", so I said I'd get the next train and we could pick up something from a different supermarket. He said "no" as he didn't want me getting home too late (fair enough). Aaaaaanyways! He text me later and said he'd had a couple of small things to eat when he got home because he didn't feel like eating. He asked if I ate.

Now a part of me thought he was messing with my head. I might have been oversensitive as this sort of thing does trigger me and I appreciate that other people (even if they've been told) don't "get" the anorexic mindset. I wouldn't expect him to. When I asked him this, he was outraged that I could ever think he'd want to trigger me.

Another time we had met up previously, one of the first things he said to me was "my mother said I need to be careful I don't faint because I haven't eaten much today" which a few minutes later he followed up with a new conversation about a colleague who used to eat "a kfc family bucket" for lunch but has had a gastric band and now "looks great".

It's like, that sort of talk isn't what I need to hear!

The stress of never being good enough at work when I slog my body really hard (no matter what I do, there's always something others criticise, complain about or bitch about) and the stress of my partner's persuasion, neediness and triggering comments have resulted in weight loss.

WOW! That was an awful lot.

Tell me how you are doing. Your partner? The work being done on your home? Work itself? Your GP friend? Your new GP, care co., meds and the CMHT?

Could you contact your old GP? There could be a number of reasons why she hasn't been in touch - anxiety about social distancing and rising cases being a highly likely one.

How is your shoulder now? Have you been back out in the garden recently?

How was your short break? I hope you enjoyed and that it was beneficial and refreshing, I really do.

I hope that you and your family are keeping well.

I will try to reply more promptly next time!

Much love,

Em xx

[littleem]

Thanks sai hope,

I have my boyfriend, but that brings stress, insecurities, anxiety and low mood at times too....

I have my mother but we have our clashes and I don't talk to her about "stuff" (mental health/problem "stuff") so much any more.

I'm closest with my great auntie but unfortunately we only see each other every few weeks or months.

I don't have friends which is just circumstantial. I would like to make more connections but it's difficult because I live in a quiet retirement town, plus this whole social distancing/lockdown situation we're facing lessens opportunities to meet others.

I am starting college part time in October, though. So hopefully I'll make some connections there.

I do have a specific happy memory of a certain period in my life that I do go back to in my mind.
It gives me reassurance, hope, motivation and strength to keep on going.

Thanks for your post. It was helpful.

Take care of yourself and I hope you are keeping well.

Em x

[andthistoomustpass]

I don't have friends...

Oi!

[littleem]

Awww!! <3 Well of course you!! (underlined, italic and bold. I mean serious business here)

You know what I mean, those local people who like do things with me in person like drink coffee and such

I did pop a couple of texts out last week to two people from the support group I clicked with. Both replied instantly and were well up for a chat. After I proposed a socially distanced walk or a cuppa some time, I didn't hear a peep. I'm not taking it personally, though. I'm putting it down to social anxiety and coronavirus anxiety. I know all too well that anxiety loves the ol' avoidance so it's alright. Disappointed, but I get it.

Hope you are doing well my dear friend <3 Much love xxx

[andthistoomustpass]

Thank You!!!

Sounds good, I think you are right about the Covid anxiety stuff.

Chat through our normal channels soon.
xxx