Ah, thanks. Re the boyfriend, it was better I found out sooner rather than later. I feel a bit of a twonk but it's not so bad. It's a massive step for me to even think about entering the world of relationships. It hasn't put me off. One day, with the right person, I might even hope to give and receive love in a relationship. So it's positive, really. (I've always gotta find those positives....
Major shift in my thinking, though. The undiplomatic and ignorant boss would have triggered thoughts such as "I'm worthless" and "I'm less" in previous times, but (although it wasn't a pleasant experience) I left the job knowing I deserve better. I know my own truth.
I've tried different jobs (I work as a kitchen assistant predominantly washing dishes. Not that there's anything wrong with this, but I am capable of so much more.) but the stress and (mostly self-inflicted) pressure is too much and (if I even start the job in the first place) I don't cope.
But I DO have a trial shift washing up in some other restaurant this Friday night. I must admit, I have a lot of apprehension that I will fall back into my rut of not being able to hold a job down.
"What's the point?" is very much fuelling my depression right now. I don't feel pointless. It's just the job and day to day blah (even nice things in my day) are accompanied by "what's the point?"
I feel like the personification of a big deep sigh.
Meeting landlady tomorrow. She thinks she has someone to replace me.
Yeah, six weeks for the community visit. Does seem long. But by then, I hope to have completed my treatment with the community mental health team so it could be good timing...
I had an honest conversation with the other (more intense) option of community. They said it was very unlikely I'd be accepted having had anorexia (they've had significant issues in community with sufferers and ex-sufferers of anorexia) which is totally fair enough.
I'm sorry to hear that you experience those struggles at work. It seems to me that you are very effective at positive-reframing. To me, it seems that you have (for want of a better expression) the 'best of the bunch', i.e. your clearly successful and your manager is very supportive, plus you enjoy your work!
Do you think revisiting CBT or DBT or having some further therapy could reduce your fears of making mistakes and letting people down which would thus make your work life easier?
Regarding your partner, this is her problem and not yours. What I mean is, her refusal to acknowledge the relationship bears no bad reflection on you. It seems she can not admit to her sexuality (whether she is bisexual or whether she is straight apart from you - her special someone!
) The fact that you are the only woman she has fallen for says a LOT of good about you!! She must love you very much.
Have you asked her about her insecurities about her sexuality?
Have you asked why she won't acknowledge your relationship?
Have you told her how it makes YOU feel when she dismisses the relationship and your mental health conditions?
Forgive me for speaking out of turn, but ultimately is this relationship giving you more good, belonging, happiness and love than it is triggering and perpetuating your feelings of inadequacy, dissatisfaction and not being supported....?
Because, out of care, these statements worry me....
I feel that if I was good enough she would be proud to acknowledge me as her partner. This and her general approach to me definitely perpetuates my mental health issues.
My partner isn’t a big fan of me doing stuff without her and that then causes issues and an atmosphere.
I really don’t feel like I have a safe place, home and work certainly aren’t.
She is more than happy to support anyone else who has depression/anxiety but not me.
…. Why is this?
Re therapy, would you become attached if the therapy worked to help you overcome your struggles and feel fit for discharge? Could you arrange a maximum amount of sessions with the private therapist (with a 5-session extension or whatever) so it's flexible but has an eventual, appropriate cut-off point?
You are not weak or pathetic. I think you are mistaking those labels for feeling vulnerable. Looking deep into yourself and addressing what is within shows courage, self-awareness, strength and resilience. Nothing weak or pathetic about that. Feeling emotional in response to upset and/or as a symptom of mental health conditions is a natural human response. Again, not weak or pathetic.
For anyone, and especially for those of us with mental health issues, having somewhere we feel we can be ourselves is so important and liberating! I do think that DBT group could benefit you...
Besides your partner not wanting you to go, is it an accessible thing to meet up with them?
Hope you are feeling as well as you can be. Take care,