Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

[littleem]

Hiya!

How are you?

Glad you had a mostly lovely break. I'm sorry to hear about the disappointments but I must say I noted how you still recognised the positives, i.e. "luckily my niece didn't realise";
"my parents got to see our new kitchen and the final version of the living room";
"still lovely to see them all". <3

Quick fire round right back at you now! ....
How's work? How's your dad's shoulder? Are you more settled with your new living room now?

All the best with chasing up the MRI result. I hope your pain lessens as we move into the spring.

Christmas was lovely thank you. I didn't feel at all stressed which is remarkable for me!
I really enjoyed work as I spent the shift with a really funny and positive colleague of mine.
We spent the afternoon and evening with my one brother, sister in law and their two children.

Obviously, plans were changed. The gifts for my other brother and his family, plus my boyfriend, are now being stored in the attic until we can meet again in (hopefully!) a few months.
Overall, it was a lovely day though thanks. I had loads of nice smellies which was exactly what I asked for. I probably have enough to last me the whole of this year!

New Year's Eve was okay. How about yours?

Work is going well thanks. Although recently we've started having positive cases with staff and residents. We can only do what we can to reduce the spread and keep ourselves, our colleagues, the residents, our loved ones and the public safe. <3 I have fortunately received the first dose of the vaccine.

I'm still with the boyfriend. I enjoy his company albeit it virtual. It's my issue but I'm still massively anxious about my weight/shape in comparison to him.

He's talked of moving in with my parents and I on a short-term basis. (I suggested it. Oops.
But in all honesty, I didn't think for one minute he'd actually leave his mother alone during a pandemic or that he'd leave all his home surroundings. Both are totally reasonable of course.)
But now he's apparently set on it.

I honestly don't think it would work. I like my space too much and I think he'd smother me.
I also don't think he'd be happy here without his Xbox (I hate the fact that he still plays this!), super fast internet and 50inch television. Despite his mother (with whom he lives) currently being in agreement of him moving here, I don't think realistically that she would actually be okay with it (put simply, she can be one hell of a moody, nasty bitch. )

So, getting myself into another of these pickles, we've agreed to re-evaluate based on the risk posed by coronavirus cases within our locality and places of work. He's of the mindset that things will improve in the next few weeks. I'm realistic. I know he won't move in with us if this is the deciding factor, which ultimately is the better, healthier and safer option.

I'd like him to move in with me if I lived alone but it's a whole different set up when parents are involved. For the sake of several months more, it seems more sensible to continue saving towards sharing a place together. By then, hopefully things will ease and we will be able to meet again in person.

I appear to have waffled on a bit. Sorry!

I hope you are keeping well. Keep me posted on how you're doing.

Much love,

Em xxx

[so sad]

Hi

Lovely to hear from you.

I’m really glad you had a lovely Christmas. Sounds full of love

Work is still the same. I realised last week that I’m stalling. My manager gave me a couple of jobs to do that will take time and have no real deadline. Because I’m terrified of what I could be given once its all done, I’m dragging my feet – scared to finish anything. That’s not me at all. I’m normally all about getting stuff done, ahead of time mostly but not now.
I was going to talk to her about it last Friday when we have a face-to-face but she had to cut it short and I bottled it. I think I’ll email her but I’m scared of the repercussions.

My Dad had his op last Friday. We were all pretty worried because he went down to theatre at 3 and we hadn’t heard by 6. Mum particularly was freaking out because she didn’t want him to stay in. Anyway, he was home by 8pm. Some discomfort and hard to sleep but overall he is good. I even said a prayer for him.

I’m OK with the living room now but we’ve started on the dining room so more upheaval just not as much. It all needs plastering, wallpaper etc. Never seems to end.

NYE was very quiet and we were in bed by 10.30. We’ve just got Netflix and its great!

I have to admit to being more freaked out about the virus than ever. Luckily we get food delivered by Asda and where as we would pop out maybe once a week for bits, we’ve stopped and haven’t been out for a couple of weeks.
I’m glad you’ve had the first vaccine – please keep safe.

I have to admit that when I first read about your boyfriend’s desire to move in with you I did shout ‘No’ at the pc! I agree with you, I don’t think it would work and then unpicking that move would be stressful and problematic. I understand why he wants to do it because he loves you and wants to be with you but I don’t think now is the time and definitely not in that way. From what you’ve said about his X-box and TV he sounds like he likes to be a ‘lad’, chilling out etc. Moving in with someone else AND their parents may not be a fit for that. Not only will you both have to adjust to seeing each other all the time, but also him and your parents will have to do the same. Could is also cause some angst between you and your Mum if things don’t go quite to plan?

Sorry for sounding so down on the idea but it worries me that you’ll be caught in the middle of 2 strong-willed individuals (him and your Mum) if something kicks off. He won’t just be getting you but also a long-established couple who have their own patterns and rhythms of life.

It would be a shame if your relationship suffers because of this decision when waiting until you can move in with him, and just him, could be the long-term answer.

Going off what Chris Witty has said today, it sounds like the next few weeks will be critical and the most dangerous – could that put him off?

I’ve started going out for a short walk most days and I’m really enjoying it despite the cold. Can’t go too far because of my painful hip but I do about 40 minutes which often includes a 10 min chat with my parents through their kitchen window!

Would CBT help your anxiety around your body versus his body? If that’s a daft suggestion please ignore. Does it impact what you eat?

Got my psychology appointment tomorrow - should have been last week but she was ill. Also spoke to the woman who is doing the hypnotherapy with me. She is going to do me another recording and when I have another hypnotherapy session (as opposed to just a coaching one) we will tackle how I feel about my parents and then the third one will be about me and my weight. We'll see how it goes.

Hope you're OK

Love and hugs

Mx

[littleem]

Hello!

How are you?

How is work? Were you able to speak to your manager about how you've been feeling?

I hope your dad is recovering well and that all your family are safe and well. <3
I hope also your shoulder is easing.

I'm glad you are feeling happier with the living room. How is the rest of the decorating process going?

How is everything going with the new psychologist and your medication?

Wow. Question Time.

The boyfriend moving in here is a definite no-no. My mother's mood swings are too unpredictable and above all have a significantly detrimental effect on my own mental health. I much prefer to be at work because it's less time with her at home. Unfortunately she only works two days a week and my days off tend not to fall on these days. But when they do.... Bliss!

We looked at moving into our own place but doing so admist the uncertainty of the pandemic (and it feeling too soon, although only I would actually admit this.) It's best for us to hold off until restrictions one day permit us to see each other again and take things from there. I do care about him and enjoy his company. Lots of positives. But he also makes me want to tear my own hair out or scream into a pillow at times.

Work is overall going well. Covered some shifts in the kitchen two weeks ago to cover covid absences. Massive head stress but made it through. Last shift I slipped and banged my shoulder. Still aching. It's tough because we had a covid outbreak and have sadly lost twenty of our clients. <3

Overall, I'm doing as well as I can be in the situation. I hope that it's the same with you.

Sending much love and good vibes!

Take care,

Em xx

[so sad]

Hi

How are things?

I’m glad you’ve decided to delay moving in together. Everything is so uncertain with COVID and being able to find somewhere has been made so much harder. It also gives you longer to get your head around moving in with someone – it’s a big deal.

I’m sorry your Mum affects you so much. I wish you could move out earlier just to sort out that issue but it will happen and you’ll be free 

How is your shoulder? Well done for working in the kitchen – you’re definitely increasing your skills and pushing your limits.

That is so sad about losing residents – its an evil virus.

Work has got worse from my perspective. I feel so out of my depth. I’ve had a really rough couple of weeks with work stressing me out, being in a lot of physical pain and generally very stressed and anxious. I did speak to my manager and she knows the issues but also has work she needs to dish out and I have to be part of that process. Her manager (who I do like) often sends her an email suggesting that I do a particular piece of work – I hate it. Although I like him I feel like he is trying to catch me out. Plus, the work he sends my way is often something I know nothing about so I panic. I manage to pull something together (after crying and losing it) and he invariably changes it because he has information I don’t have access to. Drives me mad and makes me feel that I’ve failed at it.

Dad’s shoulder is still very sore and now he’s got problems with his kidneys and blood pressure. He’s been told he has chronic kidney disease and last week his blood pressure was so high; the machine couldn’t register the reading. So now he has to take it twice a day and speak to the GP on Friday. The GP thinks that because he is in constant pain, that’s affecting his blood pressure. He has to increase his pain meds but they’ve taken him off the anti-inflammatories because they can damage the kidneys – it’s a mine-field.
So naturally I’m freaking out about him. Thing is he is really fit and strong (and 70) and eats really well, does loads of exercise, doesn’t drink or smoke so in theory he should be OK, but he isn’t.

We’ve now started decorating the dining room. Its looking good but going up the ladder is always my job and then I have to reach up to put up the wallpaper and it really hurts my shoulder. Plus, my hip bursa is extremely painful at the moment so I’m in a lot of pain, constantly, and not sleeping either.

Psychologist is OK. Meds making no difference.

So not in a good place at all

Hope you're OK and that neither your Mum or boyfriend has made you bald yet!

Love and hugs
Mx

[littleem]

Hiya!

Lovely to hear from you, as always. I'm really sorry to hear that you're not in a good place, though.

I'm sorry to hear about your father's health. I hope he is recovering well. <3
I'm also really sorry to hear that you are in pain. Can anything be done with medication/bringing appointments forward/at home remedies etc. to help ease your pain and improve your sleeping?

Glad to hear the psychologist is okay. Hopefully, in time, that will shift to "good". <3

Could your anxiety/mood medication be adjusted? Perhaps try something else? My first two tries of antidepressants were awful in very different ways. I was third time lucky.

I'm really sorry to hear that work is such a stress and negative drain. Is it still the better option to not taking time off sick?

Please put a positive reframe on your outlook. <3 Your manager is certainly not trying to catch you out. Rather, he is most likely trying to help you by suggesting work that he thinks would be good for you (irrespective of whether it actually is or not).

Also, if you are not familiar with the work he assigns you and if you have no access to related information, then how are you (or anyone?!) supposed to be able to produce something?
You are 100% not a failure! The very fact that you are trying to tackle these tasks and achieving something (in spite of your stress, anxiety, external personal worries and physical pain) shows an incredible strength, resilience, diligence, courage and intelligence. <3

Can you identify certain types of work that would feel more manageable for you?
Would you be able to voice this to your line manager and/or to her manager?
That way, could they then ensure that at least some (if not all) of your tasks are related to your preferences?
Would you feel able to request access to relevant information when assigned tasks that are unrelated to your usual area of work?

Have you ever considered a job change? Either a different role in your company or something completely different? Ask yourself, what is it you'd like to do? (you don't have to share this).
Ask yourself 'what?' then ask yourself 'how?'

I have not yet gone bald! The situation with my anorexic thoughts/me giving into bad habits/me rectifying my behaviour/me feeling guilty for rectifying behaviour/my mother discovering my giving into bad habits and blowing things out of proportion blah blah blah. is ongoing.

I can't afford to move out alone. Unless I stay in a bedsit but after my last experience, I decided I never want to do that again!

My shoulder is much better, thank you. I've not returned to the kitchen.

I hope this post has helped some and not just seemed like 20 questions!

Take care of yourself. Much love, Em xx

[so sad]

Hi Em

How are you?

They are just monitoring my Dad’s health with regular blood tests and new medication for the time being. Still a worry for me and my Mum.

I have an appointment for a steroid injection in my shoulder in 2 weeks’ time. Still no news on the hip injection though. I take plenty of pain killers and use ice to help with the pain but not much helps to be honest. Heat makes it much worse.
I’m having to take sleeping meds on a regular basis to help get me through the night – not ideal.

The GP has slightly changed the propranolol to a slow release version so we’ll see if that helps. I’ve been on a lot of different ones over the many years and different combinations but none have done much.

I don’t think going off sick would help. It would make going back even harder and being just at home with my partner, with limited things to do outside of the house – well, I think it would aggravate my anxiety. It would definitely make me feel that I’ve failed and I can’t manage that.

The only work I would be comfortable with is my old job that no longer exists (could be another 12 months at least until its back). Anything new is too stressful. There can’t be a proper training system because of us all working from home so it’s not possible to sit with someone and learn from them. Also, at the level I’m at, it’s expected that you can just get on with things, even new things.

I know both my manager and hers are trying to see what pieces of work they can involve me in but realistically they are all brand new and send my anxiety (and then my depression) through the roof.

I can’t do a job change for all the reasons I’ve just mentioned. It’s expected that at my level you can more or less hit the ground running, with minimal instruction. I wouldn’t risk moving jobs as that would also mean changing managers and there are some really nasty ones out there. So again, all too risky for me.

Are you getting much support from anywhere – care coordinator maybe? Sounds like you’re still having some tricky thoughts and as a result, some even trickier moments with your Mum. Something you could definitely do without.

How are things with the boyfriend?

I would imagine bedsits, particularly with COVID are a lonely option and not the right one for you. It’s so difficult when staying where you are causes problems but removing yourself from it isn’t possible.

Glad the shoulder is better. Are you enjoying work on the whole or is it just a means to an end?

Tough session with psychologist this week - she is really challenging my thoughts which is good but very difficult. We had a conversation about how I think its OK for others to make mistakes because there is enough 'good' in them to level out the mistake whereas I don't have that. She really reacted to that and pushed back. Needless to say I have homework to do!

Hope everything is OK with you

love and hugs

Mx

[so sad]

So things have progressed with my partner and not in a good way. On Sunday things came to ahead when she told me she was sick of the stupid things I do and that she is leaving. She told me she has been planning her escape for a few weeks, knows where she wants to go and what furniture she would take. She told me she doesn't love me.
Although things have been strained this still came out of nowhere. My 1st reaction was fine, what do you want to do about the house? She then went mad as she saw that as I wanted her to go which wasn't the case. I felt so on the back foot. She said I did too many stupid things which I know I do but its when she makes me feel so nervous that I just can't think.
She couldn't tell me what it is I need to do for her to love me again - I know I'm pathetic.
This morning she tells me she thinks I'm the way I am (?) because of all the meds I'm on. She told me that I used to be a great driver and now I'm not. I used to be a confident driver but I think the menopause interfered with that (seems to be a common thing) and I am more hesitant which I know is not good for driving. Also, I've hardly driven for months because of COVID and I think that has affected it.
She doesn't drive herself but is always quick to comment on my ability.
I don't know where I'm at. Do I try to reduce my meds? It is something I've been thinking about it before this happened as I'm not convinced they are helping. I think I need to speak to my psych about that but any appointment will be weeks away.
Last night she was commenting on the way our house was built (it is a bit odd) and she said if they'd made the bathroom a bit smaller then WE could have had a bigger bedroom. She makes it sound like we're still a couple but she was crystal clear that she doesn't love me.
I'm so confused. She was incredibly hurtful and I know even if she does think about it and regret it, she will never, ever apologise.
I just don't have the courage to say that I want to separate. She obviously has thoughts on how she wants things to progress with the house etc and until I know what they are I can't start planning but if I bring it up then we will definitely go our separate ways - aarrgghh. its all too much.
I've really aggravated the self harm I did and I want to do more.
Anyway, we're tolerating each other but I have started looking at what I need to do if we do separate. The house will be a huge issue as she will want buying out and I won't be able to afford a mortgage on my own so I would have to move.
So much to think about. She has played right in to my already rock-bottom self esteem.

I'm terrified as to what they might mean.
x

[caro]

I'm so sorry you are going through so much.
I read your posts and understand everything you say.
We have the same diagnosis and issues and are a similar age. .
I wish there was private message here, as i don't feel able to open up on a public page.
I've done it before, and it was a bad experience.
I don't know if it helps to know others understand, but you are not alone in feeling this way.
I'm 52 now, and still not able to hold my head up and be fine xx