Honestly, please don't apologise for your posts. It's positive that you feel you have a safe space where you can share what's going on with you. I certainly look forward to hearing from you and welcome any length of post. I mean, have you seen mine? You could never "go on". <3
How have you been?
Thanks for reading my previous post. I'm glad it managed to express the anorexia mindset clearly.
CBT would help me personally to reduce the impact of the trigger as positive reframing of anorexic thought aids emotion and action accordingly. Repeated practice of CBT reinforces healthier cognition, mood and behaviour, which thus lessens the impact of future triggers.
My new, balanced thought in response to "I am not good enough" became "He chose me".
What I mean is, my boyfriend doesn't have to be with me. He doesn't have to say or do nice things. The negative inner bully and/or anorexic mindset will say otherwise, but I have to learn to accept goodness from others in spite of this. As well, I think not acknowledging, questioning and referring to harmless, innocent, reasonable and 'normal' things he may say/do that trigger me could help. There's nothing really that one can do to deal with anorexia-fuelled discomfort other than act on it (obviously, a 'no-no') or sit with it and use distraction techniques.
I feel more relaxed not having to work all day and then race down to see my boyfriend in the evenings and get back home late. I also feel more relaxed about him not seeing me in person, although I expect my anxiety to go through the roof when we can meet again. I also know that this dread would persist irrespective of how much weight I lost meanwhile.
Okay, the next paragraph is quite sensitive, very personal and (I apologise!) potentially T.M.I.
Feel free to dismiss.
I feel more relaxed knowing that I don't have to become intimate with him. He's incredibly supportive, patient and reassuring, but (and I've not told him this because I don't want to hurt his feelings as it's not because of him personally) I don't enjoy sexual intimacy. Above all, I enjoy cuddling, I like holding hands and some kissing. I always thought this was due to my negative early exposure and pubescent anorexia having formed a warped perception of sex, sexual intimacy and childbirth as disturbing, disgusting, shameful and something to be feared. In more recent years, I have questioned my sexuality and have put it down to being 'asexual'. He knows all of this and has already said he wants to be with me even if that means no sex and no children of our own.
I understand that physical intimacy is part of a relationship so, whilst my libido is practically zilch, I choose to make this compromise. The only thing he doesn't know (because I don't want him to take it personally and thus hurt his feelings) is that I don't get any pleasure whatsoever from this. I like the fact that he does enjoy this but I don't enjoy, erm, the process of enjoyment.
My mum hasn't said much, which is good because if she didn't like him or our relationship then loud and clear I would have known ages ago. She, erm, isn't one to hold back. She's mentioned on numerous occasions that he clearly has fallen deeply for me and that I clearly like him and enjoy his company. My dad doesn't ever say much about anything, but he has said he can see how happy I am and I know that he thinks our relationship is a good thing.
I don't know what she would do if I pushed to split.
What do you mean by this? How she would react? (like, is she volatile/violent etc.) Or how she would cope? (i.e. alone, financially, practically and emotionally)
The latter really isn't your responsibility and there is absolutely no need to feel guilty whatsoever.
Does your partner have any family and friends?
From the outside looking in, and considering everything you have shared with me, it seems to me that your best practical option for your relationship to end is to buy her out. As you said, she can't buy you out and there's no way that you can stay with anyone else (plus if you did it would only be temporarily).
I understand that the financial stress is substantial, but is financing the mortgage as a single tenant possible? Are there any ways that the financial aspect could be made easier?
If it is an achievable expense, then I guess it comes down to you weighing up the impact of financial stress against relationship stress. Assess the pros and cons.
If my partner knew I'd told them it would be the end of the relationship.
If you decide to buy her out, could you tell her you've already told your manager and friend at work? Would that make the split easier and more mutual?
Could you tell your family, GP friend or anyone else? Do you think your family already know?
Any updates on your manager? If she wanted "rid of you", she wouldn't turn down other work to support you, she wouldn't do everything she could to make your job better for you and she wouldn't have kept her knowledge of your private relationship in confidence.
There could be a number of reasons why she's looking for another job - personal, financial, stress-related, professional, lockdown-related - and I can assure you the reason is not because of you!!
Remember how you felt about your GP friend that she didn't want to call you? You didn't let this negative thought win and as a result it was affirmed to you that of course she cares about you and wants to call you, meet up and be your friend!
Likewise with your boss. Could you talk to her about it? Or would she know you'd been looking through her emails?
So, I heard from my care co. The eating disorder service requested my BMI and whether I was menstruating. (because it's all about the tick box) *swallows rant*
Anyways, I seem to tick the right box this time so, having discharged me at the start of lockdown, they've accepted my care co.'s re-referral and I have an appointment next Friday.
I also have a telephone consultation with the psychiatrist from the CMHT next Thursday.
What's the latest with the CMHT your end?
Now this was a massive post and then some!!
I hope you are as okay as you can be right now. Take care of yourself.
Much love xxx