I'm just on my way home from like the best day ever. Let's just say Em: 1 Anxiety Gremlin: Big fat zero with a cherry on top.
I met with him today. Amazing, honestly. I'm so happy.
I know this might seem really surprising and confusing because of my previous posts but I guess that's a mix of the lockdown lows and its consequential emotions for both of us being expressed virtually with my anxieties, eating disorder history and deep rooted intimacy issues rearing their ugly heads to try and snatch my happiness and control.
His intensity and focus is undeniably a lot at times, but it's also understandable. Yes, he does talk to me about his feelings. Naturally, he has apprehensions about his imminent job security, too.
As you and I agreed, him and I both being back in full time work soon will give more of that natural balance to the relationship.
And now we're able to meet whenever I'm not working with the welcomed return of the sunshine and heat!
So worth going through the anxiety. Anxiety is always worse than the reality, I promise you that. The reality might not always be great - like today's meeting and my new job - but facing it reduces its impact in future. That said, nothing wrong in choosing not to endure it if it's impacting considerably on one's mental health. Wish I could follow my own advice more often than I do so, but slowly slowly.
My mum said she will hide the scales in her work so that if I do want to weigh, I have to ask her for the scales. I agreed with my therapist before the abrupt discharge that monthly weighing is ideal. My mum was okay with this.
I wish I had a magic wand, too. I was able today to genuinely compliment him on how he looked. I explained that I understood it was a positive thing for him that he felt good about and that I would have wanted to have been more positive about it with him, too. I said he looks great to me no matter what his weight, which is true. He didn't say much other than "thanks" and a smile in reply. He didn't mention it or bring it up. He complimented me a lot.
I was also able to see without anorexic distortion that he was not emaciated and I was not ten stone more than I was a few days ago.
I hope I explain the illness clearly enough (not that I see it my
illness anymore, thank you very much!
) as I know it might seem a bit..... Uh, complex?
Thank you re the care job. I'm loving chatting to the residents on the residential unit and wish the position was for this unit, but the nursing units will definitely be a challenge that will keep me motivated and interested! Worst case scenario, it's not for me. At least I will know, having tried. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
Totally with you re shopping. Not a pleasurable past time of mine anyways. Plus everything can pretty much be bought online these days. Safe shopping. Queues were baffling, I agree.
I could ring the care co, yeah. To be honest, I feel far away from needing the mental health services and have done since I met the guy and got the job. The thought would have been nice if she had called sooner though.
Good news that you like the psychologist and that she will be checking in on you monthly. Likewise, could you call her if you wanted to chat?
I'm sorry to hear that your GP is retiring, but very positive news that she wants to keep in touch. Please do take her up on this offer. She may prove an even better source of support as a friend than a GP so this is really good news on that front. Could you call her and ask if she could hand you over to another GP that she personally feels would be best suited to your needs? Could you also request that she hands over the information regarding your history and relationship so that your next GP knows without you needing to talk it all through again unless you wanted to? I'm sure your current GP would be more than happy to do this.
Also, please know that you can change your GP if you are not satisfied. When I was relapsing into anorexia, one known-to-be arrogant GP was very sarcastic. Another one almost aggressively challenged me about why I was claiming the measly amount of employment support allowance when I was weeks away from hospital admission. His insensitivity made me cry!
So then I switched GPs when I was discharged from hospital and she was amazing and a massive source of support. So please remember that other nice people and supportive GPs are out there!
Mild or severe, it is still abuse. I will reiterate that my late grandmother really came into her own when she left my grandfather. Before hand, he controlled her movements and if she went anywhere beyond this (like church or stayed with a family member or friend for longer than planned) he accused her of having an affair. When she moved away, aged 69, she started traveling and went travelling for the first time ever on her own to a place in Bosnia. During the last eleven years of her life, she went to this place in Bosnia she fell in love with 21 times! I'm not saying leave your partner and go to Bosnia, obviously. But you may find or remember who you are and become who you want to be.
Obviously, people see the real you beyond the damage your partner has done. For one, I am pleased we have met on this forum and I look forward to receiving your posts. Your GP clearly cares a lot for you and wants you to be happy. Your boss genuinely supports you out of care, respect and admiration for who you are and how you work.
Try to keep avoiding the news. Distraction is always helpful. What sort of things do you like doing that make you feel good? However simple, do more of these. Personally, scenic walks with blasting upbeat music in my headphones helps me, feeding the ducks relaxes me, chatting with positive people, enjoying the sunshine, painting totally engrosses me, bubble baths relax me.
I do apologise for my novelistic post!
I hope it is mostly coherent. I'm typing it on my phone. I cracked my phone screen pretty badly the other day by accidentally dropping it so texting is tricky.
I hope this week brings you peace, positivity and productivity.
Take care of yourself. You deserve it. xx