Thanks. This sounds harsh of me, but sometimes he oversteps the line between affectionate and annoying.
I did feel bad about my suggestion to ease things between us though - albeit until the restrictions are lifted - as I then realised just how much lockdown has affected him. I felt I ought to have been there more for him, but being "everything" to him and the prospect of him "losing" me being something that reduces him to tears and that would "destroy" him felt a bit intense.
Fortunately, I'm due to start full time work in the next 1-2 weeks which will naturally "ease" the amount of time we virtually spend together.
He's furloughed until the end of July and thinks he'll start working full time from August. This may initially be from home, but at least he'll have something other than me
to fill his days.
We should be able to meet in two weeks' time in accordance with the regulations. So, rather than breaking things off, I think we should meet up in person and see how things go over the next few months when life is a bit more normalised and balanced with us both being busy working full time and meeting up in person like once a week rather than virtually daily.
Massively anxious about meeting him though. Stupid faint residual anorexia whisper convincing me I'll look unattractive, he'll think less of me, he'll reject me and I'll be depressed. The fear is feeling bad. Only way out of that anxiety is through
it, i.e. meeting up with him.
I hate anxiety.
Think I forever will feel insecure about my weight. But I'm not acting on it.
I did (quite easily, thanks to the engrained anorexic radar) find the well-hidden weighing scales in the attic the other day and was relieved by the number. I was happy it had lowered slightly since last time, even though it was most likely merely a natural fluctuation. I was weighing bags of unopened flour and sugar just to make sure the scales were working properly.
He's not once since mentioned anything about his weight or eating. He only ever says complimentary things about me. So, whilst I feel triggered, I think I would feel triggered no matter who I was with or if I wasn't with anyone. This issue lies with me
. It's about how I respond to it that matters. He's incredibly supportive, understanding and caring.
I never thought I
would find myself having to reign myself in, but he's very
My mum seemed disappointed when she sensed a change between us.
I don't want to press you with regards to your relationship so please forgive me if I speak out of turn. I speak only out of genuine care and concern for your general sense of well-being.
A damaging, restrictive and unsupportive relationship in which you regard its' future as negative.
The repeated use of the concerning term "domestic abuse" from observation and self-admittance.
Feeling trapped in a perpetual cycle of low self-esteem and inability. No prospect of your partner changing. Abuse is
abuse - sexual, physical, emotional, mental, neglect.
There is always
a way out. Please reach out to those wanting and able to help you. - Domestic abuse helplines (Perhaps call one in a quiet area when you are out on a walk alone. Some offer a text/email service if you were at home.), your mum, your sister, any trustworthy family or friend, your lovely GP, your care coordinator. My late Nan was in an abusive marriage for 50 years before she finally walked away for good. Aged 69, she made a new life for herself. It was never easy for her but the next eleven years brought her freedom, friendship, community, faith, peace, safety, independence, opportunity and fun.
I've been offered a care position. My induction is in ten days and then I'll start the first week of July. Two twelve hour shifts a week on the nursing units. Very nervous as to be expected. I've since trained in the laundry so can continue to work weekly shifts alongside care both cleaning and in laundry.
How is your shoulder? Any news on the scan?
I'm yet to hit the shops. 3am queues - absolutely bonkers!
I did treat myself to some new clothes and a cool pair of converse this week via online shopping having received my first month's pay, though. Have you braved the shopping centres yet?
I'm alright. A bit flat today. The prospect of having to meet the guy in two weeks and feeling insecure plus the crap weather. I shouldn't complain, I know. I'll be alright tomorrow when I'm back in work.
Oh, plus my care co contacted me yesterday. Took me by surprise. Basically, they'll only discharge me when I eventually finish the last four relapse prevention sessions. She was most annoyed at the eating disorders team discharging all three of the joint patients from the cmht. She's emailing them to send out the relapse prevention work to me as she had promised but forgot to enclose it with the discharge letter.
She'll ring me in a month and then every two months thereafter.
Hope you’re okay and looking after yourself.
Love Em xx