Okay! Take two. This time I'll be sure to save the message before I send it.
How are you doing? How is your shoulder?
Nice to see some real positives shining through in your post - gardening, tea trips, sunshine, afternoon tea and nice walks.
Did work always cause you an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety before
I ask this because I am feeling this way with regards to starting work again and so I would really love to have any advice on how you overcome the negative thoughts and feelings and push through work. This strength and resilience is something that always impresses me in others.
I'm sorry to hear that you're finding working from home tough. For how much longer do you think it will be? Or is that like asking "how long is a piece of string?"
I'm reassured to see that you are staying positive about the fact that you are still able to work however. The uncertainty of when
is very frustrating and gets me down sometimes, too. But we have to hold onto the hope that what is
certain is that things will (although at some unknown point) get better.
I'm sorry to hear that the trazadone isn't helping. I hope you get some clarity on how long it takes to work when you speak to your care co on Monday. Is there something else they could prescribe?
Could you call the cmht and chase up the psychologist? It's sad that we have to do this, but it's important that we still seek out the help we need and deserve.
Glad you are enjoying walking. Your walks do sound very calming and therapeutic. I love feeding the ducks and walking around the pond most of all. I also paddled in the sea on VE day which was very soothing.
I go either with my mum, dad, both or alone.
I start Tuesday as a domestic. Then I will work in the kitchen so I can pick up shifts in both areas. It's zero hours but hopefully I'll get a decent amount. I'm very nervous about it. Lots of negative thoughts resurfacing like "I'm a freak/idiot/boring loser", "The sight of me is embarrassing because I look like a child and nobody will take me seriously, I look like a little boy with a stupid haircut and everyone will be shocked and laugh at me because I've gained a massive amount of weight (I haven't)", /"I'm shit/stupid/incompetent/inadequate/useless/pathetic/worthless", "I'll be excluded/rejected/mocked/disliked" and "what's the point?/I can't be arsed".
But the more I do it, the easier it gets. Damn anxiety.
Yes, I could work around the course. If I did an A Level, I would choose history. CBT is what I'm passionate about. Namely helping those who feel inadequate and worthless to know that they are
of real worth and that they are at least
good enough. Pot calling the kettle black here, I know.....
But CBT is something that has proved effective in my own life. That said, I've just started revisiting it. I feel my self-esteem has taken a nose dive whilst anxiety and dread are flying up high.
I probably will self-refer, yeah. I mean, I'll have my mother (chief constable of the food police
) on my back about it. But also I owe it to myself after three years of relentless tenacity in getting them to finally submit their reluctance to help me, only to be fobbed off with a discharge having only three or four sessions to go.
He was very understanding about the physical stuff. He said (hypothetically!) that he's happy to wait for me until after marriage for sexual intimacy. He said if by then I feel sex and childbirth isn't something I feel capable of or desire then we will address it then and it will be okay.
He still wants to be with me after all I've told him so I have to just accept that. He has a very mature and understanding attitude.
Yeah.... my mum's comments have knocked me back recently. Yesterday, she said (of my new job) "I see a person who can do everything from their bedroom where the world is your oyster. You can apply for as much as you like and go for loads of interviews without having to do
anything. Lockdown suits
you. If you don't overcome your anxiety then lockdown will be over and you will still be stuck here doing nothing.
She's blunt enough to wipe the grin off a Cheshire cat's chops and delivers some harsh home truths like a double-sided slap in the face.
But I needed to hear it. She's right. It's safe here thinking about what I can do. Doing it is when things get scary. My anxiety and insecurities have resurfaced. This was something I had GOTTEN OVER! I'm going to write a big list of ALL the positives about my job and WHY I want to do it because (take away the anxiety bullshit negative thoughts) and I really do want to do it! Plus many things!
My mum's made some deflating comments recently....I've recently bought myself new clothes and gave myself a lockdown hairdo.
I feel a bit crap about myself and wanted to make myself feel better by looking nice and treating myself. Anyways, she said a new top looked like a "football jersey", that my shoes were like "Coco the Clown" and that my hair is "like a man" and "ruined".
She also, albeit jokingly, calls my paintings (which admittingly are wacky/very wacky) that I've mostly made as gifts, "creative junk". Cheers like.
I haven't baked since that one time I did so a month back for NHS staff. My mum made a massive thing out of me engaging in anorexic behaviours by feeding others and myself not eating. This actually wasn't the case. I was filling the time and trying to do something positive. Anyways, I'd rather not cook again. It's not worth the aggro.
I've tuned into a couple of church services and have enjoyed them so that was a plus. I've also seen a few friendly faces from my local church and have stopped for some socially-distanced chats whilst out on my walks so that's been really nice.
Look after yourself and keep me posted on how you are doing.