Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

[so sad]

Hi Em,
I’ve sent a chase email to the CMHT – I have a psychiatry appointment on 02/04 and I don’t trust him so I need to have met my care coordinator before then. Hate chasing but hate the radio silence even more. I really thought they would have made contact by now – very naive of me I guess. I really can’t shake the feeling of being a failure but I’ve made the complaint now and I sort of knew it would end up being seen by my ex-therapist so I need to just suck it up.
I’m still annoyed with your care co for what she said. She was incredibly flippant and showed little respect to you or your condition. It’s a shame we have to rely on these people to get the right support etc.

You are very articulate and the way you described the reactive v chemical was great. It’s good that you have the awareness of what is causing the depression but trying to work out how to change it is the obstacle I guess.

For what its worth, I think you did the right thing about work. It is a full on job and I think it’s all about identifying what we are able to do/want/need to do with managing our mental health. If we don’t manage it, things will spiral and we can’t afford for that to happen. Are your parents supportive of you regarding work?
You do deserve more, without a doubt.

Please don’t feel shame. Even if you were claiming something, that is what it’s there for.
There probably is a group of something but there are 2 issues – one being my partner and one being me not feeling good enough to go somewhere new. I hate imposing myself on others as they must hate having to put up with me being so miserable. When my manager chooses to work from home I think its because she can’t bear to sit with me at work. When she first pulled out of the conference, I blamed myself because I assumed she didn’t want to travel with me. I know I must sound very self-focused but I think that if I criticise myself first then its not as bad.
Me and my sister have nothing in common really. She is more confident and is a bit obsessed with herself 


I hope you do make the visit to the community. Transport would freak me out too so if your parents could assist that would no doubt help. From things you’ve said, I do think that the community living, if it’s the right one, would be good for you.

Fingers crossed that the nausea passes quickly and that the meds help very soon.

Criminology – sounds really interesting. Is it a class?

Even more interesting…..a date. Very exciting – where are you going? You’re so brave doing that, I wouldn’t have the guts.

Mx

[so sad]

Hi Minniemoo

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so bad.

Have you had meds before and had a bad reaction? I’m a strong believer that meds do work for the majority of people, to a certain degree. I know for some they make a tonne of difference and for those, their mental health feels good. They would probably never come off the meds as they work for them.

It is hit and miss, finding the right meds and at first you can get some side effects but if you are started on a low dose and increase them slowly then they can be managed.

It does sound like you could benefit from meds but you need a professional to decide.

Could you get some counselling through your GP? You do sound like you have a lot on and might benefit from having someone impartial to talk to.

Please keep posting if it helps.

M x

[littleem]

Hi Minniemoo,

I'm so sorry. I didn't see your latest post and only gave a short reply. I've since read it and I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling. Please continue to share. This is what the forum is for - so that we can listen and support each other. *hugs*

I remember you mentioning that your previous meds helped you. (or rather that things felt worse when you came off them) Could you go back on that medication?

Please know that you are not alone. Thinking of you.

Take care
Em xx

[littleem]

Hey M,

I'm certain you will speak to your care coordinator before your psychiatry appointment.
(I'm sorry it has to be a case of you having to track them down like this though.)

It's positive that you have the psychiatry appointment booked in. Could someone go with you to your appointment? (you say you don't trust him... is it personal as you can request a different doctor or is it just a generic lack of trust for a new person?)

Also, perhaps it would actually be good to meet with your previous therapist!
You already know each other and I sense that you worked well together?
When are you meeting?

I will be honest with you, I feel SO much better for not having to go to that dead end pot-wash job.
I don't know why I do it to myself... it's a constant cycle with these jobs. I've had, over the years, about 50 (no exaggeration) of these jobs. I don't like them! I think a lot of it as well is my history with anorexia (though recovered) as so much of my time was taken up with food.... that preparing and serving food in a job is the last thing I want to bloody think about!

Why do I keep going back to the same old crap job? …. Because I can. It's safe. It's easy. Because I'm AFRAID of making that change (e.g. community).

I hope now that my mood will improve and I'll feel confident to visit that community. At times I do so fingers and toes crossed and anxiety gremlin squashed! Otherwise it's the cycle....

Yes, my parents are very supportive. Thanks for saying that I deserve more.

What about a group which will make you feel good about yourself?
A support group, mindfulness/meditation, something in the church (is your GP involved in anything you could join?), some upbeat exercise/dance class, or volunteering....?

Or something that you and your partner could enjoy together? (for some reason, something like a pub quiz came to mind. You'd be socialising amongst others.)

Now this might be a big goal, but would it be appropriate to socialise with your manager (or other colleagues) outside of work? It would be a good way of showing your anxiety who's boss and also a good social opportunity! Just a thought.

It's an online diploma. (no classes running locally!) I've done two previously. I'm a total nerd when it comes to essay writing.

The nausea has passed pretty much. I'm feeling brighter. Like I've passed through the fog of doom.

I know! We're meeting for a coffee and going to the cinema. I'm surprised by my selective gutsiness, too! I worry about getting on the wrong tube, but I'll go on a pretty-much blind date! Ahhh... the inexplicabilities of mental health.

Keep me posted. Love Em xx

[so sad]

Morning

Well my email worked. By 411am I had a phone call from the woman dealing with my original complaint saying she wasn't happy wither as she was assured it would be sorted. By 12 she confirmed I have been allocated and have an appointment a week on Monday. Very nervous now about it.

Psych - when I first met him last year he seemed genuinely interested in getting my anxiety under control. He put me on some meds and said he would prescribe them himself until I was on the right dose then he would hand the prescribing to my GP. He wrote to my GP telling her that. When I got the max dose he suddenly said that it was never for long term use and he wouldn't co0nfirm with my GP. I was furious and so upset. My then care co and also my DBT therapist agreed he was in the wrong, that his letter was clear but they couldn't do anything as he was above them in the hierarchy. DBT therapist said that if my GP would prescribe them to keep taking them. My GP has continued to prescribe based on psych's first letter. I've never told her about what he did as I don't want the meds to stop. So now I don't know how to deal with it when I next see him. Normally, whenever I have a psych app, they've changed so I see someone different which drives me mad. Now I want a different one, they've stayed the same. He is the only one on the team so I can't ask to swap. I wouldn't take in with me anyone I know - too uncomfortable. My previous therapist is completely off limits as she is now the boss of the CMHT.

I am SO glad that making the decision to not do that job has made you feel better, you sound more at peace with it. It is not the job for you. Hopefully you'll be able to think about the community option now.

I am a pretty anti-social person and so is my partner so we bring out the worse in each other in that respect. I used to dance twice a week (modern line dancing) and loved it. I was really good at it, even taught it a few times, had friends etc but the BPD was so intense and I had a huge crush on the instructor. We became friends but me being me, put all in and in the end I felt used by her. It was always me doing all the contacting, putting in all the effort. I had hand surgery and couldn’t got for a while and then realised I couldn’t go back. The ‘friendship’ was really bad for me and it impacted on my partner too. Since then I’ve only done pilates and its not the most social activity.

I have had a few hours out with my boss in the past but I feel bad about inflicting myself on others. If I’m having a bad day, then I’m awful company and the guilt is overwhelming.

Doing something with my partner is a good idea. I’ll have a look at what is going on in the area and then make a suggestion.

You’re right about how weird our illness is for what we can and can’t do. The smallest things can freak me out and then I can sometimes do the big stuff.

Coffee and cinema sound like the perfect combo for a first date. Let us know how it goes.

Glad the nausea has gone - you do sound in a brighter place.

I also love a god essay. I did creative writing for a few years and I keep saying I’m going to start writing again (just at home) but I just never do it. Can’t keep my brain in the right space for long enough.

Much love

Mx

[andthistoomustpass]

Hi Em! * waves like... well, like a madman *

[littleem]

Hey M,

How are you?

Hey andthistoomustpass *waves*

[so sad]

Hi Guys

I've missed you!

Physically I'm good, mentally I'm crap. Anxiety is so high.

How about you two?

*waves*

Mx

[littleem]

Hey!

I've missed our chats, too!

Sorry to hear that your anxiety has spiked. But it's positive that you are in good physical health.

I'm as okay as one can be in this surreal situation. Sometimes, the enormity of the suffering and loss overwhelms me. I limit news updates to once a day and what helps me is my faith, family and the guy I met pre-isolation for those two dates. (he's lovely).

It's boring and I'm currently in quarantine until my dad gets his test back. If it's negative, at least I can get out for a once daily walk.

I've been discharged from the eating disorder service because they have to use their resources for the critically ill. I felt sort of sad but at the same time I understand completely. Fair play to the therapist, she seemed genuinely apologetic about it.

I'm still under the cmht but there's nothing really they could offer me. (other than augmenting my antidepressants) so I'll probably be discharged soon from them, too.

My (quiet and controlled) 'anorexic voice' is niggling at me that the inactivity of isolation will cause me to gain weight. This concerns my mother. There's a part of me that could go back down that route to lose weight but I know I can't do that. Not after how far I've come.

I am staying positive and productive with regards to my future. I'm taking each day as it comes.

Don't be a stranger. Reach out and keep me posted about how you're doing.

Stay safe and keep well.

Em xx

[so sad]

Hi

When will your Dad hear back? Is he poorly?

I'm glad you find strength in your faith.

Are all your dates virtual now?

You sound like you're in a pretty strong position considering what's going on and that damn anorexic voice. Can you do any fitness at home? Joe Wicks seems very popular. My pilates instructor is doing her classes via the net which I like as it gives me a bit of structure.

Work continues to be a huge trigger for me. The work (MY work) has all been stopped and its left me in a bit of a conundrum. I'm working from home which I know I'm very lucky but I hate it. Now that my work has vanished, I'm very vulnerable to being told to do something that I have never seen before or know anything about. Any training would be over the phone or over skype. That all terrifies me. My manager knows (under normal circs) to keep me doing my area of expertise to manage my mental health but with nothing to do, she can't protect me. I feel on the verge of going off sick but would end up on half pay pretty soon because of prior sick leave. I feel useless and pathetic. I know it sounds really crappy to be whining about that but I can't help it.

I'm supposed to be 'seeing' the psych and my care co on Thursday (2 hours before my grandma's funeral - she died just over a week of old age) and I think it will be a skype type thing - really don't know how I'll manage that.

Huge hugs and sorry for rambling on

xxx