Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

[so sad]

Hi MinnieMoo

Thanks for replying. Children are a huge responsibility aren't they? She is such a good girl but I always feel like I'm not good enough for her.

I will try visiting a church and just see how it goes. I do want to feel some connection but I don't know if that's out of desperation or a genuine belief.

Mx

[minniemoo]

Hey So Sad

Yes totally get you. I feel guilty every single day about my kids at the moment. Coz they are so sweet and innocent right.. we beat ourselves up when we are not perfect.. but it’s hard work giving so much of yourself, and we are only human - it’s better for them to know we are not superheroes and that we all make mistakes. I bet she loves spending time with you. I remember the simple things from spending time with family as a kid.

I really wouldn’t worry, they will probably love a non believer coming along to give it a go ! I reckon lots of people are there for different reasons and some give lip service to it all. I am pretty honest with everyone at church about still deciding exactly what I believe. Of course they do want everyone to become firm believers, that’s kinda their job.. xx

[littleem]

Hi Mm,

Sorry to hear about the anxiety. I'm glad the beauty treatments helped and it's reassuring to still see some positives shining through in your post.

Spring time and summer definitely helps to boost the mood. xx

[littleem]

Hi M,

Yeah, it's common courtesy for them to call you back. I always try to give them the benefit of the doubt. With the nature of mental illness, we really don't know what the cmht have to deal with. Don't take it personally, they're probably just really stretched. That said, I do hope they call you this week.

Oh poor you! It sounds like you really are suffering with the menopause! Glad you're doing everything you can to help this though.

Glad that your GP isn't forceful. (I didn't think she was.)

I used to feel "on red alert" myself at home around my mother. With therapy and (a LOT) of practice, I started to give less of a shit. I know how exhausting that can feel. *hugs*

I am sure that your manager's reason for pulling out is genuine. There's so much cautionary advice and concern regarding coronavirus. It's responsible and understandable that she's decided not to travel. This definitely is no reflection on you.

You are more than capable. Are any other colleagues and/or familiar faces going to be at this conference? Please let me know how you get on.

My mood is very low. I think it's a chemical imbalance because the depression feels like an external force/weight that is out of my control. It feels separate to me and stronger than me.
Does that make sense?

But things do perpetuate it. Unfulfilling job, loneliness, not living the life I want to live.
Days feel like a chore. Never a pleasure.

There are times when I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up a suicide case. I could never do this to myself, but if I had the option to die (not by suicide) then I would take it.

I felt this way a couple of years ago and went into anorexia to starve myself to death. I almost achieved it. I've come so far since then that I now don't have the energy to go back into that. I also feel it would be a big slap in the face to my parents and those who've helped me get well (or rather, stopped me getting worse).

I'm still constantly plagued by thoughts, "you need to lose weight", which is exhausting.
The silent struggle. But I don't fear anorexia relapse. I'm far more in control of that demon than it is of me. Mr. Black Dog however, is (often/mostly) considerably stronger than I.

I really frickin' want to go to work tomorrow to beat black dog. I'd much rather lie under the duvet and sleep my life away but I feel that would be going back three years and starting over.

When I restored my weight and completed therapy in previous times, becoming 'well' I started to feel 'alive again', real, free, better, 'me'. I don't feel that. I still feel shit.
At least, I must feel less shit than if I had not had any therapy whatsoever.

Bleurgh. What a miserable post. Sorry.

Hope you are having a decent week. All the best for Thursday xx

[littleem]

Just spoke to my care coordinator. She thinks my mood is reactive rather than chemical. I disagree.
She is going to book me in for an appointment with the psychiatrist and said that by then it might be the case that I won't need antidepressants anyways because things will have gotten better. I told her that things are getting worse.
She said for me to take sertraline in the meantime to flatline me. She acknowledged that it had stopped working for me in the end anyways.
She sees me once every 6-12 weeks. Easy for her to say it's reactive

[so sad]

Hi

I think it’s the unpredictability of their comms that drives me mad. They say they’ll ring then they don’t and I don’t think they appreciate the impact of that. I still feel really bad that the complaint was escalated to my DBT therapist as I’m still convinced she will see me as a failure.

I’ve decided to not go to the conference. I hate them at the best of times and I never get anything out of them. I just can’t cope with the anxiety that its bringing up. I’m trying to balance that with feeling like a failure (are you seeing the pattern?!) for not going.

I do understand you when you said about the depression being separate and stronger and I agree that it sounds more chemical than reactive. Its very disappointing that your care co has responded like she has. I cannot believe that she said things will have gotten better – is she on another planet? That is such a simplistic way to see things and also invalidating for you. I think there should be some acknowledgement that you know your condition better than anyone else although I do see that someone being separate from the illness is useful.

I 100% agree with you about if there was an option to die you would take it. I constantly think about suicide but doubt I would put my parents through it. I had a general anaesthetic last month and I really hoped that I wouldn’t wake up.

Do you have many friends? I don’t. I have colleagues at work who I get on with and a couple of old work friends who I occasionally meet up for tea with but no close friends. Feeling isolated at home and no friends makes me feel incredibly lonely. Maybe we should set up a lonely gang!

I think you’ve been incredibly strong to achieve so much regarding the anorexia and I’m glad that you feel you’ve got that under control. The black dog really is another matter isn’t it? I’m sick of wrestling with it, constantly, its exhausting.

Did you make it to work? Getting out of bed is so hard – it feels like such a safe place but I agree that we have to just do things and hope they make things a bit better.

Have you any other plans about joining a community?

Please don’t apologise for a sad post – that’s what we’re here for.

Hope today is better for oyu

Much love

Mx

[minniemoo]

Em I’m really sorry things are so bad right now. Not long ago you sounded so hopeful and excited.

I hope the psychiatrist is better. Hugs xxxx

[littleem]

Hiya M!

I don't think they appreciate the impact of that

Totally agree with this! I think your DBT therapist would be saddened to see that you are struggling and that a complaint has been warranted. In no way will she regard you as a failure.

I'm relieved that you're not going to the conference. This is not a failure, but rather an act of self-awareness and self-care. Besides, your manager isn't going either.

Thank you for your reassurance regarding my care coordinator. I was pissed off by her flippant response. Sometimes, I feel like an inconvenience and like she thinks I am making something out of nothing to get meds. Then I realised, I don't need a woman I see once every couple of months to diagnose me. I know my own condition.

It's not reactive to the job loss, end of relationship and moving back home.
The depression caused the job loss, end of relationship and moving back home.
I'm less depressed for leaving my job, relationship and the bedsit.

At the root of the depression was unfulfillment and loneliness (i.e. not having a deep and meaningful emotional connection and not feeling a sense of belonging).

So I didn't go to work. I got up and ready and waited for the bus. Then turned home. It was a massive struggle to get that far and I knew that I was setting myself to fail. I know I'm not up to split shifts, working alone and 20 minute bus rides there and back. It's full-on.

But, tonight, (as I did before when I left my last job), I feel better for it. There's a part of me that's like, "I don't want to do this! I hate this job! It makes me miserable!", then comes "well what makes YOU so special? LOADS of people hate their job and are depressed but still work", and then again "well why don't I deserve more? I only live once. I want more!"

I have such an enormity of shame for not working. I am not claiming anything and I am in a place where I am, at present, able to manage financially.

I 100% agree with you about if there was an option to die you would take it

I'm really, really sorry that you feel this way.

No, I don't have any friends. I like the people in my support group and Church (they're late 50s-90s!) but I don't have my own friends, you know? Definitely up for the lonely gang! There is so much need for this, seriously!

Are there any opportunities locally for you to meet new people? (I know you said it's difficult with your partner... but what about meeting people through your sister?) Is there anything you and your partner could do together that would give an opportunity for you to meet new people?

I've exhausted all opportunities to meet people in my local area over the last few years.
Hence the online dating avenue.

Well, I cancelled my visit to the community because of my depression. The priest friend replied that he wouldn't notify this change for three days in case I change my mind. He is not a pushy person, so he's clearly keen for me to come here. My parents may be able to assist me in getting there and back (the transport issue causes great anxiety).

Interestingly, my mother reminded me today that at Christmastime (just before I came off my meds.... the downwards dip came mid-Jan until now), I was functioning (worked a LOT) but I wasn't in a good place. She reminded me that I didn't go to church all over Christmas (I always do this) because I felt I would become so upset about everything that I've lost (i.e. community, belonging, faith-focused life, happiness, fulfillment, friendship etc. …. during India and the months before).

This loss and consequential unfulfillment and isolation is what caused my depression when I returned home some 3.5 years ago! And, whilst not as raw, the feelings still persist so obviously I am longing for something MORE in my life.

If I can put in place people to help me get to the community then I feel I have more chance of going there. It's similar to you and your manager travelling together! If that had been the case, you would have gone to the conference.

Because otherwise my life here is …. crap jobs, misery, loneliness, RUT.

I'm back on the maximum of sertraline. Probably too quick (I feel so nauseas) but stuff it. I need me some serotonin, man!

Also I've signed up for my third online diploma which starts tomorrow in criminology. Keep the ol' brain active.

In other news, I've a date planned for Sunday.

Let me know how you're doing.

Em x

[minniemoo]

Hey both

So I broke down at a routine nurse appointment today. She’s booked me in with the GP. She says there is nothing wrong from the sample she took, so it hopefully isn’t anything physical to worry about. I felt relieved but then she said she thinks I’m just going through the motions s and finding everything too much right now, I’m depressed and may needs meds to kick start the seratonin. I’m so confused, I’ve not felt right for about a month but before that I was doing really well considering everything that’s been going on recently (major changes for us, issues with extended family, being somewhat isolated..).
Then there were storms, coronavirus is being talked about everywhere.. that really really unsettled me.. I couldn’t start the job I wanted..

I just don’t know what to think. I feel more low now than I did before. I can’t take meds, I’m too scared to do it. I feel like I can just about manage the bad times, I’m terrified of having to eventually come off meds and feeling worse than I can cope with, or having a bad reaction to them.

There are odd days when I’m wracked with low feelings about the kids. My husband said they are not big things that I’m worrying about and the kids are ok. Other than that there is nothing specific I’m worried about.. except that my husband might lose his job due to this downturn and we will lose the house (him losing his job is a possibility but he says we have back up funds for a few months).

Thanks for letting me post and hope you don’t mind me writing all this on your post em.. I just don’t know what to think about how bad I am xx

[littleem]

Thanks Minniemoo,

I hope so too.
I hope you are feeling as well as you can be.
Much love, Em x