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Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
littleem
Posts: 517
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Wed Mar 04, 2020 6:40 pm

Hiya :)

Sorry I didn't reply sooner.... I got through the blip. It was the worst blip I've had in a long time.

How are you? How are things?

Well done for getting through the weekend with your niece and for being able to enjoy parts of the time together, too.
Do you think the anxiety was around worrying if everything would go smoothly, if you would get enough sleep and on how your working week would be impacted? Do you think the dip in mood was related to any of this and/or to relief after getting through the weekend and/or exhaustion?

I hope you are feeling better today.

Slap my wrist, but it's a kitchen porter job. But it's a change and I need money and something to do in the interim until something non dishes related comes up. More positives than not to the job though.

Baptism was lovely. I enjoyed being with family.

I'm taking the lowest dose of sertraline. Diarrhoea stopped haha. Think it was too much coffee and not enough food.

Love Em x

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so sad
Posts: 234
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:28 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Thu Mar 05, 2020 10:21 am

Hi

Glad you got through it - I was worried about you.

Well done on the job front - you're being practical, like you said, you need the money and its a change. It gives you a bit of breathing space to look for something else if you want to.

I was anxious about it being perfect for her, not that she is much of a perfectionist at 4. I didn't sleep but that was because if my anxiety (general) and my partner having an horrendous cough. My dip has dipped even further so I'm really struggling. I feel worthless and pointless and generally, a miserable pain in the arse.

Glad you enjoyed the baptism and that your tummy troubles have settled.

How are feeling now?

xxx

littleem
Posts: 517
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Thu Mar 05, 2020 2:39 pm

Hiya,

Do you note a pattern in the dips of your depression?
Do the dips sometimes happen unexpectedly and without clear reason?
For how long do they last?
What brings you out of these dips?

(I ask all this also to help better understand my own experience of depression)

I've started as of this month keeping a mood tracker on my phone to note patterns.
I've also started doing overnight hypnoses each night and I had my first session of EMDR last week. I think it's going to prove effective.

Be assured that the low mood will pass. Remember you are not alone.

Much love,

Em xxx

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so sad
Posts: 234
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:28 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Thu Mar 05, 2020 4:01 pm

Hi

Please let me know how the hypnosis and EMDR goes.

I don't so much notice a pattern but I think I know more about my triggers which are:

Hormones - I have no regular cycle due to the peri-menopause so its like having 24/7 PMS
Food - I've been eating a lot if sugar which I know is awful for mental health. Plus, I'm putting on weight so a double whammy really
Work - fear of failure

The dips are never for a certain period of time but they are never brief. I always have a low mood, high anxiety - that's normal (how sad is that?) but at times like this, they both intensify.

Its mainly based on self esteem - I see failure everywhere. I'm convinced everyone else thinks as bad about me as I do. I do a lot of mind-reading. I feel worthless, like I wouldn't be missed etc.

Nothing in particular brings me out of them.

Can I ask you something about faith? Please say no if its not, I really won't be offended as I know its a very personal thing. My very lovely GP is very much into her faith, very active in the church and would love me to accept that God exists as she truly believes that my life would be better for it. She tells me that once you know and accept that God loves you, that it doesn't really matter what you think anyone else thinks. What do you think about that? It feels very simplistic. I don't 'not believe' and I think its amazing for those who do, that their faith gives them such joy and acceptance.

I am a nightmare for looking outside of myself for the answers. Like right now, I'm waiting for chmt to allocate me the ever-elusive care co-ordinator (I swear they should be on the endangered species list) and I really want that but I'm not sure what I need from them. I do think I would benefit from input from their psychologist but whether I get it as another matter. I think I hate myself that much that I can't possibly believe that I'll ever find the answer from within.

How many hours a week are they offering you at work? Do the people seem OK? I think you're dead brave starting a new job.

Love and hugs

Mx

minniemoo
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby minniemoo » Sun Mar 08, 2020 12:43 am

So Sad -

Hi I hope maybe I have some words of support.. I’m awake with anxiety about my health again :-(
Firstly I saw your note about feeling anxious when your niece comes and I wanted to say that even my own kids can make me feel anxious! Being in charge of someone is a responsibility, plus there is no down time at that age, it’s constant and it’s draining and it’s a shock if you are not used to it.
Secondly, I guess your GP has a point that if you know that God loves you (and either way I think you must be special because scientistifically / statistically it’s a marvel you have been born!) and He loves you exactly as you are then it could be a comfort. You could try a few churches or do some research.. my experience churches have always been a welcoming place and there are aspects of religion that could be good for MH (community, gratitude, being part of something bigger, having a good sing song etc etc!).

MinnieMoo x
Last edited by minniemoo on Sun Mar 08, 2020 7:16 pm, edited 5 times in total.

minniemoo
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby minniemoo » Sun Mar 08, 2020 1:12 am

Hey Em

Your mum does not sound very comforting when you are struggling. I’d find that really hard to be around. I love my mum to bits but I cannot turn to her when I have any emotional need and at times she has exacerbated my symptoms.
How are things there this weekend?

Congratulations on getting a new job. I feel like I need something where I’m feeling busy and helpful! The only time I wasn’t at all anxious today was when I was helping at a party. I’m busy with general life but not focussed enough to stop the thoughts. I can’t currently find a job that fits round everything else.

Xx

littleem
Posts: 517
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Sun Mar 08, 2020 5:00 pm

Hi M,

I hope this week brings good news of a care coordinator and support from the cmht psychologist.
You are entitled to and worthy of professional support. Let me know how everything progresses.

Are you taking anything for the peri-menopause?

Do you think some psychological work on your self-esteem would be beneficial?

Re. your question. Thanks for being considerate and thoughtful. Be assured that I would not be offended by questions about faith. I will answer as best I can.

Firstly, I hope your GP (however lovely) is not imposing her faith on you. Nice (not necessary, I personally believe) to (only ever gently and appropriately) share, but all along absolutely integral to uphold genuine respect if others feel differently.

Who is she to say whether someone's life would be better for believing in God? Someone shared with me recently that they are less happy in life since 'finding their faith' than they were beforehand when they didn't believe in anything, but also that they, all the same, do not regret their conversion.

I neither agree nor disagree with your GP's feeling that "once you know and accept that God loves you, it doesn't really matter what you think anyone else thinks" because this is a matter of opinion. If she feels this way, then that's truly fantastic. I wish I could feel as happy in my faith or life. I don't doubt that she feels like this at least for the most part, but she also is a human being. I'm sure she still has insecurities and imperfections. Otherwise, yes, it's very simplistic.

Work is okay. A better system than the last place. Mood is VERY low and I almost didn't turn in the other day. The boss is a bit of a charmer. Think he fancies himself a bit. But he seems nice enough, so do the people. It's a busy place, easy work, quiet atmosphere.

I'm... still low in mood. Ringing elusive care coordinator (she never called me back) to enquire about trying out different AD meds. Sertraline do crap all nowadays for me.

I've also switched to decaff incase caffeine effects my mood/sleep.

Hope you're okay. xx

littleem
Posts: 517
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Sun Mar 08, 2020 5:05 pm

Thanks minniemoo,

I'm okay. Still low but not really bad anymore.

How are you?

Hope you find a job that works for you soon xx

minniemoo
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby minniemoo » Sun Mar 08, 2020 9:27 pm

I’m not great but I’m ok thanks Em :-)
There is a lot of fear around at the moment and I tend to feel other people’s moods! Physically I’ve been having symptoms which may just be of anxiety (stomach and back pain, needing to wee a lot) but I actually had a couple of much better days after my beauty treatments so THANK YOU. Today was a good day too until the evening. I just want the Spring to come so we can spend more time outdoors, I think that will help a lot. Do you find that helps you too? X

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so sad
Posts: 234
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:28 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Mon Mar 09, 2020 1:10 pm

Hi Em,

I’m going to give them until the end of this week and if I don’t hear from them then I’ll go back to the complaints team. I don’t expect them to see me immediately but I do expect a phone call confirming I’ve been allocated to someone and that I have an appointment on X date.

I take a multi-vitamin that is designed for the menopause and it has other stuff in it that’s supposed to help. I also had a mirena coil fitted a month ago and I use an estrogen gel too. All prescribed by a menopause specialist. Its hard to know what is hormone related and what is mental health related.

I do think working on my self-esteem with a psychologist would help but having had done a 12 week course on it then I’m not sure what they can do with me about it. Feeling pretty broken on that count.

My GP has never forced her faith on me – she has written out paragraphs from the bible for me that she thinks will help and has encouraged me to go to a Carol Service at Xmas. I am open to it but I have so many questions about the suffering in the world and what kind of God could allow the innocents to suffer – big question, not asking for answers – that’s just whats in my head.

Its interesting when you said about the person who said they are less happy now they have found their faith but wouldn’t change it. I’m glad my GP has the life with God that brings her so much peace but I doubt it would apply to everyone.

I’m glad you’re finding work OK but I am very sorry that your mood is so very low. Can you pinpoint what it is?

Any luck with the care coordinator? I’m sure their job description must include ‘must have skills in being elusive and never ring back when you say you will’ – they drive me mad.

The switch to decaf is a good move – I have one normal coffee in the morning then switch to decaf. It’s a lot gentler on the nervous system.

My mood is also pretty crap – I always feel on red alert at home, like I’m responsible for how everything turns out so when something isn’t quite right I feel I have to take full responsibility. I’m exhausted with it.

I’m due to go to a conference on Thursday and I’m dreading it. I was travelling with my manager and would spend the day with her but she has pulled out. She says its because she is asthmatic and is worried about travelling with the coronavirus but I think she is avoiding being with me all day. She was my comfort blanket and now I’m terrified.

Hope you're okay

Mx


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